mcfancypants
New Here
Hi... so I've just been reading this forum for the first time today and my mind is a jumble of thoughts and it's hard to write this but I need help.
I am 33, and have been in therapy for the last 6 months or so. My counselor is now certain that I have PTSD, though I was diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago. I know that my childhood had a lot of emotional and physical trauma, but my counselor strongly suspects that there was sexual abuse too. I don't remember any, but I do know that certain behaviors of mine throughout childhood and as an adult would generally point to my having experienced early childhood sexual abuse. Most of my childhood is locked up and I don't remember much except in little pictures, or in stories that I have heard members of my family tell and re-tell -- they're not really "my" memories. I remember plenty of unpleasant stuff between my mother, sister, and I - fights and arguments and emotional/physical abuse, but not to the extent that I think it would be causing such problems for me to this day.
Throughout my life, I've had spells of what I thought was depression, though now I think it was anxiety and being overwhelmed. Depression was a word that felt safe and accepted to use, so I would tell doctors and counselors that I had a history of depression. So, that's what I was treated for, but nothing really ever made much of a difference, and I would bounce back on my own. At age 19/20 I went through a period of self-harm that manifested by having sex with random strangers I met online or on a phone sex line. I don't remember much about it except that I am ashamed about it now, and that I felt almost mechanical and detached when it was all happening. Then I attempted suicide sort of out of the blue at age 21. Between these times, and in general, I have been overall a very high-functioning, seemingly smart person. I've been successful with work, until occasionally I just could not get myself to go to work and would call in sick too often, etc., but always manage to get another job because I present well - I come across as confident, charismatic, etc.
I got married 8 years ago and generally things were smooth for a number of years. I periodically fell into a funk or experienced anger that I could not explain, but generally my husband and I both just chalked it up to my "history of depression". Then my son was born in 2006, and things got much worse for me then. My anxiety skyrocketed, but of course I didn't really recognize it as anxiety then. When my son was 2, I became so dissatisfied at my husband and how he didn't seem to be helping me or recognize that I was falling apart. I remember a very clear "split" happening at that time, and deciding in my mind that I was "done" with my marriage and that since he didn't care about me anymore, it was up to me to find my own happiness. I didn't tell my husband anything at that time; I have always avoided conflict to a just crazy degree. I didn't want to, or couldn't, deal with it then. Shortly thereafter, I started experimenting with BDSM and ended up doing risky, dangerous, scary sexual stuff with people I met online. At the same time, I was also working full-time at a rather prestigious job that put me in the public eye. To all people observing, I was successful, on top of the world. Part of me was almost "high" on this feeling that came when I was engaged in my hidden world, and I remember frequently feeling proud of myself, but also guilty and ashamed and knowing that eventually everything was going to come crashing down around me and I was going to get caught. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get caught, and didn't want to, but frankly at a certain point was sort of fatalistic and thought that I was just going to do this as long as I could, and when I got caught, I would just kill myself. I was detached and unemotional about that. I didn't really want to go on living.
In 2009, I gradually stopped feeling that compelling urge to do what I'd been doing sexually, though it didn't stop 100%. I was still hiding almost all of myself from my husband and keeping a completely separate life from him and anyone else in my "real" life. My work started to falter and I couldn't seem to concentrate on anything or make myself DO things that needed to be done. It got to the point where I could barely get through a day at work and couldn't understand what was happening to me. My husband finally told me he thought we should go to counselling, which shocked me because, in my mind, we had been "done" for over a year. He never had any idea. The truth started to come out - in trickles at first, because I could NOT face what I had done, let alone tell him about it. The shame hit big time, then. We struggled hugely to come to terms with what I'd done, and I still can't even tell him WHY I did those things. We have been in marital counseling for the last year. Sometime maybe about a year ago, a friend of mine mentioned that it seemed like I might want to get evaluated for ADHD. At first I was skeptical and judgmental (didn't really have a perception of what ADD was except for over-diagnosed and hyperactive little boys). But once I started reading, things started clicking for me. My mind was all over the place. I got evaluated and they diagnosed me, and I started taking Ritalin. It DID help, and I began to see improvement right away -- but a lot of strange things were still plaguing me, and I still didn't understand what was going on with me.
About 4-6 months ago we started seeing a new counselor - at first for just marital. I have always had varying feelings about sex, and instinctively knew that something was "not right", but it's never EVER been something I've felt comfortable talking about in therapy. Pretty quickly, our new counselor was picking up on things with me and she said months ago that she was not convinced of my having ADHD, and it felt more like trauma to her. I didn't understand that because I didn't think I had any real trauma to speak of, except for what I have already mentioned. We've been going slow, she's been teaching me coping techniques, etc., but just in the last week I have begun really falling apart. Now that it seems "real", like stuff in my childhood really is connected to all the weird issues I've had all these years, well... that ought to be comforting to me, I would think, but instead I am just ...... not good.
I just started a new job 6 weeks ago and really NEED this job; it is providing my family with decent medical insurance for the first time in years and we really need the income. For the previous 6 months I wasn't really able to work, but just now, I am feeling less able than ever to work. I went in today for an hour, and started to have ... I guess a panic attack, or something, but I passed it off as nausea, because I didn't want them to think I was mentally ill. Apparently I looked bad enough that they thought I had the flu or something, but now my anxiety is higher than ever, because there will be so much work for me to come back to tomorrow, and at the same time, I am not 100% sure I will be ABLE to go back tomorrow. Which really brings me to the reason I am writing today, after all that above... how can I keep my job? CAN I get through this without losing it? Should I? My counselor told me last night that I might really just need to take some time to finish getting through this. I understand that, but ... this job was a very rare opportunity and very good one. Getting better is the #1 most important thing right now, but losing this job would be very bad.
Ugh... I am sorry this is so long. If anyone has gotten through it... I guess, any words of advice would be so much appreciated. I am going to be seeing my psychiatrist next week to ask for medical treatment for the PTSD. I am currently taking 40mg Ritalin and 60mg Buspar, which seems to be helping, but obviously I may need something more, at least for the short term.
Last question is about this trauma... if in fact there are repressed memories or something... do they HAVE to come out? My counselor has NOT been encouraging me to go digging - she says that if they come, they will come when I am ready - but - I am not convinced there is anything "extra" there beyond what I already know about. And I am not sure I want to know, ever. If there is something... well, I think I know the "who", if not the "what". And I really don't want to face knowing something horrible about these people in my life.
Thank you very much if you happen to get this far.
I am 33, and have been in therapy for the last 6 months or so. My counselor is now certain that I have PTSD, though I was diagnosed with ADHD about 6 months ago. I know that my childhood had a lot of emotional and physical trauma, but my counselor strongly suspects that there was sexual abuse too. I don't remember any, but I do know that certain behaviors of mine throughout childhood and as an adult would generally point to my having experienced early childhood sexual abuse. Most of my childhood is locked up and I don't remember much except in little pictures, or in stories that I have heard members of my family tell and re-tell -- they're not really "my" memories. I remember plenty of unpleasant stuff between my mother, sister, and I - fights and arguments and emotional/physical abuse, but not to the extent that I think it would be causing such problems for me to this day.
Throughout my life, I've had spells of what I thought was depression, though now I think it was anxiety and being overwhelmed. Depression was a word that felt safe and accepted to use, so I would tell doctors and counselors that I had a history of depression. So, that's what I was treated for, but nothing really ever made much of a difference, and I would bounce back on my own. At age 19/20 I went through a period of self-harm that manifested by having sex with random strangers I met online or on a phone sex line. I don't remember much about it except that I am ashamed about it now, and that I felt almost mechanical and detached when it was all happening. Then I attempted suicide sort of out of the blue at age 21. Between these times, and in general, I have been overall a very high-functioning, seemingly smart person. I've been successful with work, until occasionally I just could not get myself to go to work and would call in sick too often, etc., but always manage to get another job because I present well - I come across as confident, charismatic, etc.
I got married 8 years ago and generally things were smooth for a number of years. I periodically fell into a funk or experienced anger that I could not explain, but generally my husband and I both just chalked it up to my "history of depression". Then my son was born in 2006, and things got much worse for me then. My anxiety skyrocketed, but of course I didn't really recognize it as anxiety then. When my son was 2, I became so dissatisfied at my husband and how he didn't seem to be helping me or recognize that I was falling apart. I remember a very clear "split" happening at that time, and deciding in my mind that I was "done" with my marriage and that since he didn't care about me anymore, it was up to me to find my own happiness. I didn't tell my husband anything at that time; I have always avoided conflict to a just crazy degree. I didn't want to, or couldn't, deal with it then. Shortly thereafter, I started experimenting with BDSM and ended up doing risky, dangerous, scary sexual stuff with people I met online. At the same time, I was also working full-time at a rather prestigious job that put me in the public eye. To all people observing, I was successful, on top of the world. Part of me was almost "high" on this feeling that came when I was engaged in my hidden world, and I remember frequently feeling proud of myself, but also guilty and ashamed and knowing that eventually everything was going to come crashing down around me and I was going to get caught. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get caught, and didn't want to, but frankly at a certain point was sort of fatalistic and thought that I was just going to do this as long as I could, and when I got caught, I would just kill myself. I was detached and unemotional about that. I didn't really want to go on living.
In 2009, I gradually stopped feeling that compelling urge to do what I'd been doing sexually, though it didn't stop 100%. I was still hiding almost all of myself from my husband and keeping a completely separate life from him and anyone else in my "real" life. My work started to falter and I couldn't seem to concentrate on anything or make myself DO things that needed to be done. It got to the point where I could barely get through a day at work and couldn't understand what was happening to me. My husband finally told me he thought we should go to counselling, which shocked me because, in my mind, we had been "done" for over a year. He never had any idea. The truth started to come out - in trickles at first, because I could NOT face what I had done, let alone tell him about it. The shame hit big time, then. We struggled hugely to come to terms with what I'd done, and I still can't even tell him WHY I did those things. We have been in marital counseling for the last year. Sometime maybe about a year ago, a friend of mine mentioned that it seemed like I might want to get evaluated for ADHD. At first I was skeptical and judgmental (didn't really have a perception of what ADD was except for over-diagnosed and hyperactive little boys). But once I started reading, things started clicking for me. My mind was all over the place. I got evaluated and they diagnosed me, and I started taking Ritalin. It DID help, and I began to see improvement right away -- but a lot of strange things were still plaguing me, and I still didn't understand what was going on with me.
About 4-6 months ago we started seeing a new counselor - at first for just marital. I have always had varying feelings about sex, and instinctively knew that something was "not right", but it's never EVER been something I've felt comfortable talking about in therapy. Pretty quickly, our new counselor was picking up on things with me and she said months ago that she was not convinced of my having ADHD, and it felt more like trauma to her. I didn't understand that because I didn't think I had any real trauma to speak of, except for what I have already mentioned. We've been going slow, she's been teaching me coping techniques, etc., but just in the last week I have begun really falling apart. Now that it seems "real", like stuff in my childhood really is connected to all the weird issues I've had all these years, well... that ought to be comforting to me, I would think, but instead I am just ...... not good.
I just started a new job 6 weeks ago and really NEED this job; it is providing my family with decent medical insurance for the first time in years and we really need the income. For the previous 6 months I wasn't really able to work, but just now, I am feeling less able than ever to work. I went in today for an hour, and started to have ... I guess a panic attack, or something, but I passed it off as nausea, because I didn't want them to think I was mentally ill. Apparently I looked bad enough that they thought I had the flu or something, but now my anxiety is higher than ever, because there will be so much work for me to come back to tomorrow, and at the same time, I am not 100% sure I will be ABLE to go back tomorrow. Which really brings me to the reason I am writing today, after all that above... how can I keep my job? CAN I get through this without losing it? Should I? My counselor told me last night that I might really just need to take some time to finish getting through this. I understand that, but ... this job was a very rare opportunity and very good one. Getting better is the #1 most important thing right now, but losing this job would be very bad.
Ugh... I am sorry this is so long. If anyone has gotten through it... I guess, any words of advice would be so much appreciated. I am going to be seeing my psychiatrist next week to ask for medical treatment for the PTSD. I am currently taking 40mg Ritalin and 60mg Buspar, which seems to be helping, but obviously I may need something more, at least for the short term.
Last question is about this trauma... if in fact there are repressed memories or something... do they HAVE to come out? My counselor has NOT been encouraging me to go digging - she says that if they come, they will come when I am ready - but - I am not convinced there is anything "extra" there beyond what I already know about. And I am not sure I want to know, ever. If there is something... well, I think I know the "who", if not the "what". And I really don't want to face knowing something horrible about these people in my life.
Thank you very much if you happen to get this far.
