Undiagnosed New suicide survivor

[MemyselfandI]

Hello, I have been through a lot
Of trauma. I dont even know where I begin. I will start with the biggest one. I lost my 17 year old son to suicide 6 years ago. My ptsd has gotten so bad, I am now sitting in my room constantly with door closed watching re runs of the zoo channel. I force myself to walk every day as I have a dog and that at least forces me to get out of the door. But while walking the dog the shit that goes in my mind is just stuff I dont want to be thinking about. Its like my mind is polluted. When im watching tv, usually whay goes on in my mind is shame and embarresmemt for watching tv and not having a life. But it doesnt get as polluted as when im walking the dog. While walking the dog I talk to myself, I give myself words of possitive affirmation, I look up to the sky and say your gonna be ok. Then as soon as I stop my brain goes south. An example yesterday was me counting how many years my dad and mom have left in the planet. Looking around for my x biyfriends car hoping i will run into him, making sure I dont land anywhere close to my sons highschool which in the neighborhood I walk. Staring at the homeless person at the light and thinking is he depressed does he have a mental illness does he drink? And then walking away but circling around again just so I could stare st him. Telling myself that rope in the park isnt a friggen noose its a swing damn it. I dont know I feel like im a freak!

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like life is pretty difficult at the moment. Hope you have a T in your life who’s helping you work through this stuff.

 

[Riley Jones]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through, and I can understand why you've been feeling overwhelmed. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for support, and I want you to know that you're not alone. There are many individuals in the peer-to-peer community on myptsd.com who have experienced similar traumas and can offer understanding and empathy.

Losing a child to suicide is an incredibly painful experience, and it's understandable that it has deeply affected you. Trauma, like what you have experienced, can have a significant impact on our mental and emotional well-being. It's not uncommon for symptoms of PTSD to become overwhelming and interfere with our everyday lives.

Finding solace in activities like watching TV can sometimes provide temporary relief, but it sounds like your mind is filled with distressing thoughts. Engaging in positive self-affirmation and grounding exercises during your walks is a great way to cope. However, it's important to remember that your thoughts are just thoughts and do not define you. It might be helpful to talk to a professional trauma psychologist or therapist who can provide guidance and support tailored to your specific needs. They can help you navigate through these difficult thoughts and provide you with coping mechanisms to manage your PTSD symptoms.

In addition to seeking professional help, connecting with others who have experienced similar situations can be tremendously beneficial. The myptsd.com community provides a safe and understanding space for individuals dealing with or supporting loved ones with PTSD and CPTSD. You'll find various forums where you can share your experiences and connect with others who truly understand what you're going through.

Please remember that reaching out for support is a brave and important step towards healing. Together, with the support of others who have faced similar challenges, you can find understanding and hope. You're not alone, and there is hope for healing and reclaiming your life.

 

[Response]

Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like life is pretty difficult at the moment. Hope you have a T in your life who’s helping you work through this stuff.

Thanks,
I made an apt with a phyciatrist but he isnt available till mid dec. Ive talked to a therapist online and she didnt help much. I should prolly shop around for someone who treats ptsd depression and grief. When ever I look tho, I always seem to encounter therapist with there long list of what they help with. I need one that only does ptsd or only does grief. For me thats what I want at least. Gawd its so depressing just talking about it. I was self soothing with alcohol here and there and it was actually nice to have a break from my head. But now ive chosen to obstain from it and now im getting anxious about even hanging out with people because
Its always around alcohol. I turned into a child this past year. Im like a 10 year
Old, I just wanna go to disneyland the petting zoo fly a kite and drink shirley temples. I feel like adult things are total triggers. I find peace doing child like innocent fun, but cant find new friends or people that are child like and innocent like.

Thank you for welcoming me.
Im alone, lonely, and well alone.

Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like life is pretty difficult at the moment. Hope you have a T in your life who’s helping you work through this stuff.

I responded back but dont see my response to you. Now Im frusterated thinking I cant even work this site correct

 

[anthony]

Now Im frusterated thinking I cant even work this site correct

New members content may be moderated for approval until history is established.

 

[Response]

Hi again, I introduced myself here a few hrs ago. And I just posted again about not having any friends that want
To
Do innocent child like fun. My ptsd makes it hard for me to watch certain movies, and do a lot of things.
These days I often watch the famous dr. Poll. He is a vet. And I enjoy innocent child like activities. Maybe flying a kite going to an amusement park looking for sea shells playing board games. I was wondering if there is anyone in the costa mesa area that would enjoy these activities as well. Someone who is safe and non- threatening any church goers is good and someone in my age group late 40’s to early 50’s to make new friends. I dont know part of me is terrified for even asking afraid that there would be a weirdo Not sure if im appropriate. Thanks anyways

 

[alphagoat]

Hi again, I introduced myself here a few hrs ago. And I just posted again about not having any friends that want
To
Do innocent child like fun. My ptsd makes it hard for me to watch certain movies, and do a lot of things.
These days I often watch the famous dr. Poll. He is a vet. And I enjoy innocent child like activities. Maybe flying a kite going to an amusement park looking for sea shells playing board games. I was wondering if there is anyone in the costa mesa area that would enjoy these activities as well. Someone who is safe and non- threatening any church goers is good and someone in my age group late 40’s to early 50’s to make new friends. I dont know part of me is terrified for even asking afraid that there would be a weirdo Not sure if im appropriate. Thanks anyways

I'm no where near you. Otherwise I'd fly a kite with you. I believe in God. I can be aggressive but only to narcissistic types. I ain't going to lie to you. I've had a horrible life. I'm 51 and can't believe I'm alive. I can't hang out with you but if you need someone to talk to, let me know. I'll give you my phone number.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@MemyselfandI - please log in to post!

 

[Unknown User 2051]

Hi MMI/Resp. Maybe treat yourself to a set of crayons and paper? Give that hurt kid a chance to re-learn how to have fun before being so eager to share it with others. That may be horrible advice, I honestly don't know.

For myself I know that it can be difficult to experience feelings of vulnerability in the company of people. It's daunting, to me, because people make mistakes. I know they'll make a mistake and it will seem like the end of the world to me, so it's difficult to practice vulnerability and child-like joy while also in the presence of people. Finding music I like helps, as does artsy/craftsy stuff. Martial arts can be great, especially Tai Chi if you're on the older side and mobility is more of an issue. It gives you a chance to explore how your body works in the company of other people without requiring a bunch of direct interaction. Short walks and meditation can be helpful, if you can convince yourself to enjoy spending time with your Self. Navigating this stuff is no fun. Keep looking for your path.

 

[glittermoon28]

Hello, I have been through a lot
Of trauma. I dont even know where I begin. I will start with the biggest one. I lost my 17 year old son to suicide 6 years ago. My ptsd has gotten so bad, I am now sitting in my room constantly with door closed watching re runs of the zoo channel. I force myself to walk every day as I have a dog and that at least forces me to get out of the door. But while walking the dog the shit that goes in my mind is just stuff I dont want to be thinking about. Its like my mind is polluted. When im watching tv, usually whay goes on in my mind is shame and embarresmemt for watching tv and not having a life. But it doesnt get as polluted as when im walking the dog. While walking the dog I talk to myself, I give myself words of possitive affirmation, I look up to the sky and say your gonna be ok. Then as soon as I stop my brain goes south. An example yesterday was me counting how many years my dad and mom have left in the planet. Looking around for my x biyfriends car hoping i will run into him, making sure I dont land anywhere close to my sons highschool which in the neighborhood I walk. Staring at the homeless person at the light and thinking is he depressed does he have a mental illness does he drink? And then walking away but circling around again just so I could stare st him. Telling myself that rope in the park isnt a friggen noose its a swing damn it. I dont know I feel like im a freak!

Sorry for your loss. You’re not a freak and it’s perfectly fine to grieve. Maybe talk with your doctor about how you’re feeling.