Sufferer New here, SA survivor, feeling alone and trying to create a self-sufficient life

[Juliathemechanic]

Hi Everyone,

I’m happy that a place like this exists because even if I could afford therapy right now (which I can’t) I haven’t had much luck with it. I have read through many comments on the site and this seems to be a very compassionate and intelligent group of people.

I’m wondering - has anyone had any luck with finding a good counselor to discuss childhood sexual trauma with? I have been to three, and have had the weirdest experiences with each of them. The first flat out told me she didn’t believe me. (Ok…what would I have to gain by telling you a tall story for $100/hr out of pocket?) The second told me that I couldn’t join her trauma support group because she had warned them about me and they didn’t trust me, (Huh?) The third did even worse - I made the mistake of telling her that my greatest fear when I was growing up (before my rape by my brother’s dealer at 13) was that my brother would organize a school shooting. He was always threatening it, and my parents were afraid of it too. He was manic-depressive with psychotic features and was always describing in great detail how he was going to kill his peers, or me, then kill himself. I really didn’t think I was going to make it out of that house alive, so I never planned for a future. I wish I knew how heavily that mindset would figure in my future life. At the time I didn’t think that anyone could actually re-traumatize me more about my brother, but she managed. She told me to watch a movie called “We Need to Talk About Kevin” about a mother and her difficult relationship with a son who eventually stages a mass school shooting. When I came to the next session wanting to talk about my brother, she asked me why I was so obsessed with him and that maybe he should be afraid of me instead of the other way around. My brother is dead, as I had already told her. My parents are both dead. I could not bring myself to talk to anyone about them while they were still alive.

So…my real problem right now is that I need to believe in myself and my own abilities enough to find a job after being out of work for a long time, but I this stuff is getting in the way. I keep thinking about how, no matter what, I end up in terrible positions, terrible friendships, terrible relationships. From many years of avoiding people, losing my small business and living in isolation after covid, I’ve forgotten how to function in the world. Now I need to be functional and all of this old trauma keeps coming back up. I wish I could keep the past in the past and just move on.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi Everyone,

I’m happy that a place like this exists because even if I could afford therapy right now (which I can’t) I haven’t had much luck with it. I have read through many comments on the site and this seems to be a very compassionate and intelligent group of people.

I’m wondering - has anyone had any luck with finding a good counselor to discuss childhood sexual trauma with? I have been to three, and have had the weirdest experiences with each of them. The first flat out told me she didn’t believe me. (Ok…what would I have to gain by telling you a tall story for $100/hr out of pocket?) The second told me that I couldn’t join her trauma support group because she had warned them about me and they didn’t trust me, (Huh?) The third did even worse - I made the mistake of telling her that my greatest fear when I was growing up (before my rape by my brother’s dealer at 13) was that my brother would organize a school shooting. He was always threatening it, and my parents were afraid of it too. He was manic-depressive with psychotic features and was always describing in great detail how he was going to kill his peers, or me, then kill himself. I really didn’t think I was going to make it out of that house alive, so I never planned for a future. I wish I knew how heavily that mindset would figure in my future life. At the time I didn’t think that anyone could actually re-traumatize me more about my brother, but she managed. She told me to watch a movie called “We Need to Talk About Kevin” about a mother and her difficult relationship with a son who eventually stages a mass school shooting. When I came to the next session wanting to talk about my brother, she asked me why I was so obsessed with him and that maybe he should be afraid of me instead of the other way around. My brother is dead, as I had already told her. My parents are both dead. I could not bring myself to talk to anyone about them while they were still alive.

So…my real problem right now is that I need to believe in myself and my own abilities enough to find a job after being out of work for a long time, but I this stuff is getting in the way. I keep thinking about how, no matter what, I end up in terrible positions, terrible friendships, terrible relationships. From many years of avoiding people, losing my small business and living in isolation after covid, I’ve forgotten how to function in the world. Now I need to be functional and all of this old trauma keeps coming back up. I wish I could keep the past in the past and just move on.

I am truly sorry to hear about the difficult experiences you've had with therapists. It's incredibly disheartening when seeking help leads to further pain and misunderstanding. It is understandable to struggle with finding a counselor you can trust, especially when discussing such sensitive and traumatic experiences.

Your strength and resilience shine through in your message as you navigate through the challenges of processing childhood trauma and its impact on your life. Your willingness to seek support and share your feelings here is courageous and important.

It's clear that the trauma you've experienced has deeply affected various aspects of your life, including your ability to trust others, form healthy relationships, and envision a positive future for yourself. The impact of your past experiences on your present mental health is valid, and it is crucial that you give yourself the space and compassion to address these issues.

In addition to seeking professional help, which I highly encourage you to continue to do, connecting with others who have faced similar challenges can be incredibly beneficial. Platforms like myptsd.com offer peer-to-peer support where individuals can share their experiences, offer insights, and find understanding from those who have walked a similar path.

By sharing your story here, you are already taking steps toward healing and building resilience. Remember that healing from trauma is a journey, and it's okay to have setbacks along the way. Please feel free to explore the forums on myptsd.com that specifically address topics related to childhood trauma, relationships, coping strategies, and mental health recovery. You are not alone in this journey, and there is a community here ready to support you through these difficult times.

I commend your courage and strength in reaching out, and I hope that you can find solace and support within this community. Take care of yourself, and remember that your experiences are valid, and your healing is a priority.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum - condolences for the loss of your family. That’s a lot to deal with and, combined with covid, it makes a lot of sense that your spark for life shrunk. Hopefully this place helps you find it again:)