Supporter Newly Married

[betty lowa]

Hello,

I have been married for about a year and my age is barely past legal drinking age in the US. I found this website because I am concerned about my husband. He is a good man and has an amazing heart, but sometimes he has another side to him that can be intimidating, I guess. I don't know how personal I should get on this site or how much info is too much....

Basically, I decided to join this site to learn more and make a better decision on how to handle the future. I am currently a college student trying to get my Bachelors degree in History and move on to Grad school to get a Masters in a specific field in History, I prefer not to give overly specific details unless there was a less public way of communicating. lmao I take solely online classes and my husband greatly supports me getting my degree but says he does not desire for me to get a job because he is afraid of me meeting other people, other guys to be exact.

There are certain events that have occurred not too long ago, but it is difficult to face seeing as my husband shrugged it off as he did, claiming it was the best time he had ever had... After this experience we continued on with how we normally are, or gradually built up to it, and yet what happened and things he says and threatens me with hangs like a dark cloud in the back of my mind. I am afraid to confront this darkness because I love my husband with all my heart and soul and would do anything to make him happy.

I am afraid to find out that the only person I have ever felt this love for and who I believed to be my "soul-mate" would desire to hurt me like this. It is as though he is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde or something, I have never actually read this book, but people with polar opposite personalities living in the same body are often compared to this book. I don't know what else to say. I don't know if I'm supposed to be asking a question or what, but it told me to introduce myself, so this is what I thought of saying.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum betty Iowa. Sorry to hear that your husband seems to have this Jekyll and Hyde problem. This forum is for those afflicted with post traumatic stress issues - can be sufferers or supporters. Polar personalities is a different issue. Has your husband consulted professional health therapists ? If not, my suggestion to you is that you get help as this will be a very rocky road that you will be walking, especially if he doesn't get help for himself.

 

[betty lowa]

Thanks for the reply. I consider this to be a PTSD issue, which is why I joined this site, for I feel many of my husbands actions toward me resulted from abuse he experienced as a child from his mother. I am also on here due to the abuse I receive from my husband. So...in this case I am sort of both the supporter and the sufferer.

My husband can be very sadistic, it comes to him naturally, especially during sex. But outside of that realm he can be a nice person, depending on his mood, he is difficult to predict sometimes. It can be confusing for he is constantly bringing home presents for me on his way home for work, tells me how beautiful I am and what a good cook I am, how intelligent I am and so on. But there are times where he does not seem to be this person, for example, after he drinks a little, he will get close to my face and smile at me, but not a nice smile, and tell me that he really wants to tie me up in the bedroom and leave me there for a week and starve me, torture me, and have sex with me whenever he wants. He says things like this to me quite often, but generally only after he drinks.

I love him and hate him sometimes, truly hate and despise him, especially when he tries to control what I wear, what I buy, if I go to the grocery store and who I can be friends with.

He is gone for the year now though, on deployment, so I am attempting to take this year and seek help for myself, figure out what is going on with him and if I can help him or not, and if not then the only solution may be to leave him before things get worse, for it seems to quickly be building up to more and more things that he does to me.

I've seriously decided to take Muay Tai classes so that I can learn how to fight and counter attack and so on, this way I won't feel I am a victim anymore and such things tend to build self-confidance. Also, if he hits me again when he gets back, I will better know how to defend myself. Do you think this is a smart move? I mean, do you think Muay Tai will help?

Also...when I said Jekyll and Hyde, I didn't mean quite literally that he had different personalities in him, I meant his actions (sweet then sadistic) appeared that way to me. Perhaps you are right though, perhaps it is an entirely different problem, there are so many mental illnesses and so many symptoms that are incredibly similar, it is difficult to say.

I am also concerned he may become even worse after his deployment due to his possibly traumatic experiences in Afghanistan.

<Quote removed and paragraph breaks inserted by Amethist>

 

[betty lowa]

Sorry, I forgot to add that my husband has not seen a therapist of any sort, he's very charming and good at hiding this side in public. Most people take his jokes about torturing little animals as funny or a strange personality trait of his....considering he is in the Army, not many of the Army guys find such talk to be disturbing or see a problem in it.

Also, even if I did somehow, miraculously, get my husband to see a therapist (I know he would do it if I got a male therapist and told him I was going whether he came with me or not, but he'd be pretty pissed about it), chances are incredibly likely the therapist won't see the problem, for my husband will have tight lips and sit patiently and mostly silent, giving the minimum amount of words necessary to answer particular questions.

Many of the guys don't find such controlling behavior abnormal, in fact, I think many army wives experience similar things (I think, at least the physical and sexual abuse part) but never come out and speak about it for fear of getting their husbands in trouble.

<Paragraph breaks inserted by Amethist>

 

[intothelight]

Hi Betty,

What you described is a lot of what I lived with for 20 years. My ex was not military, but the personality change sounds very familiar, especially under the influence. My suggestion to you is to not remain under the same roof with him, and make it clear that you will not continue a relationship until he gets help and you both get help as a couple. Even then make NO promises.

For yourself, get therapy now. I don't know if my PTSD is solely related to an abusive marriage or an abusive childhood or both. But that point is pretty moot as I have it now. If you have PTSD, get it treated for yourself and even if you don't you will need help navigating the damage a controlling/abusive relationship leaves.

There are certain types of abusers that do not get better, even with therapy. They get more and more controlling and violent. You really need to weigh the risk against the benefit of any relationship. Marriage is suppose to be a lifelong commitment, not a lifelong sentence.

Wishing you the best.
Debbie

 

[Froggie]

Hello again Betty,

I fully agree with what Debbie mentionned, your story sounds like domestic violence and you need to protect yourself ASAP. It is a good decision to take Muay Tai courses to learn to defend oneself.

Here are a few links concerning domestic violence, this may give you some guidance :

http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

[DLMURL]http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page5.htm[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL]http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm[/DLMURL]

Take time to look at these links and if what you're living sounds similar, then maybe you should consider what Deb mentionned.

Best of luck to you Betty ... Linking arms with you

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Betty,

Welcome to the forum! Reading your story immediately raised a red flag for numerous signs of domestic violence. Please check out the sites that Froggie suggested above.

Certain men seek out women whom they can control in each and every area of their lives. Some grew up that way. Others learned it from people they idolized. Still others come up with it on their own. It usually starts with controlling minor things like when dinner should be ready, what you should wear, and then progress further to what you can do job-wise, who your friends are (with the goal of limiting people the wife can reach out to), when you can or cannot go out, disrupting all contact with your family of origin, possibly moving from one place to another regularly, and finally escalate to physical abuse, torture, sexual abuse.

Just to let you know for children who grow up in a house like this, their experiences are exactly the same as if they were physically abused themselves.

I do not want to scare you for no reason. However you are still very young. You clearly love your husband and he seems to love you in the best way that he can. His best may just not be good enough for you. Watch movies about domestic abuse (older or newer) that you can get online or from the library (e.g. the Burning Bed), watching some of Martina McBride's videos will also give you an idea. It is an extremely dangerous and volatile situation especially when drinking or drugs are involved.

Think about t his carefully. Find a therapist you can talk to (maybe referral from a domestic violence shelter in your area) and see if the therapists responds to the same things to which we are responding. You are young and important. You have your whole life ahead of you in which you should be able to fulfill your deepest wishes...

Best of luck on your journey! It may seem hard, but I suspect it will only become harder down the road.

 

[Jen93]

If you are still dealing with your husband being abusive Betty, get help.

Talk to a friend, let them know what is going on- let several people know- silence is the enemy during times like this.

Get help from a shelter or your parents or something. Get out of the house and stay out of the house.

Follow the posters advice above me... I'm not really familiar with this stuff...

Stay Safe
Good Luck
Jen

 

[piratelady]

Hi Betty, What you have described sounds almost exactly like the marriage I just got out of (aside from the military part). He had two sides to him. I stayed with him for a long time and suffered through the intermittent abuse. I would seriously think about the others on this thread have said. Talk to a therapist and consider leaving. You have to keep yourself safe.
Good luck.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Betty, sorry to read of your situation.

I will speak frankly from personal experience and express my fears, you can ignore them if you want.

PTSD or not, if he won't accept that his behaviour is abusive you need to get away from him. Unless you want to live like this? Some people do, check out the thread on codependancy, and that's their choice.

If you believe that your love will have any affect on him as he is, I am sorry, but that won't happen. It is just an excuse to let him abuse and control you further. Love does not equal fear or pain or control, unless that's what you want - again, some do and need to find partners who share their values - not force them on others who do not.

Was he like this before the wedding?

 

[Beverly G.]

Been there done that and if a man will hit you once he will do it one hundren times. He cannot get better until he admits to having a problem. I still consider my ex-husband the love of my life but if I had stayed I would not have a life to love him with. Each attack got worse than the one before so he would probably have taken my life by now. I pray for him and I am corgial to him but being his wife was no longer an option.

For five years I used the excuse I have to stay for the kids, or God expects me to be married for life. Then one night my pastor saw something that raised a red flag for him and he told me to go to a shelter for battered and abused women. I denied what he was saying and stayed until one night when hubby knocked me unconscience and when I woke up he was shouting that he was going to kill me. My pastor helped me escape and explained to me that a loving God would never ask us to live a life of abuse.

I have been out of that marriage for 15 years but I still have moments when I long for the romantic firey love i shared with this man but I am glad I found the courage to leave. I never could have imagined the blessings in store for me.

I'm not going to give you advice just take what you will from my story. From one woman who loves an abuser to another, do what you can and Know it is not your fault.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Betty, if it makes you feel any better, my first marriage lasted 7 months.

He got drunk-slappy with me and I fought back hard. It got very nasty when he pulled a knife on me. I was on the next bus out of town with my belongings in bin bags.

Sofa surfing can cut you some time to breathe, any friends of family you can trust can be a buffer if you need to communicate with him. You can neither help him if he doesn't want help nor stand there like a punch bag while he works out his issues on you. By accepting their behaviour (returning for more) we validate it and normalise it.

Please look after yourself.