Sufferer No Words

[Disquieted]

I don't know what to say. In therapy I still can't talk about what happened. I get there and just freeze...I always plan on speaking but the words won't come out. I hate this diagnosis. I want to be myself again, whoever she is now. I want to be able to eat, breathe, close my eyes and sleep. Dissociation stinks. Anxiety stinks. Feeling vulnerable is no fun.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Welcome @BeMindful .

I want to be myself again, whoever she is now. I want to be able to eat, breathe, close my eyes and sleep. Dissociation stinks. Anxiety stinks.

I totally agree.

Have you tried journaling at all or even writing during therapy? Some days my therapist and I only communicate through writing. I can write down a lot of my thoughts in a journal that I could never speak out loud. I give my journal to my therapist to read and it gives her a starting point on what we should focus on. It's okay not to talk about the trauma right away and focus on stabilizing your emotions first until you feel safe and ready to talk.

I hope you find support here, I know I have.

 

[Disquieted]

Yes, I have written to her. I sent an email after our session last week of all the things I wanted to say but didn't. Now I am dealing with the embarrassment and anxiety of going back...One of those what was I thinking moments.
Thank you so much

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum.

I do the same thing and then go home and email my therapist to tell him all the things that I wanted to say. Sorry you're stuck in it as well because it is embarrassing and frustrating. Unfortunately, I have no helpful advice for you because i still do it after 3 years!!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Now I am dealing with the embarrassment and anxiety of going back...

Try to trust that it was a good step. I get that feeling sometimes when I hand my journal over when I know I have written something really hard to talk about. And I suddenly realize, wait- she's going to read this. What was I thinking? Nope, you are not alone in that feeling. It usually helps me in the end though.

 

[ghotiff]

Welcome :)

Sometimes it helps me to not say to my T what I can't say, but instead talk about how I can't say "it".

I pushed myself to hard and fast in the beginning and have learnt to pace myself. So my advice now is to be gentle with yourself.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Disquieted]

Welcome :)

So my advice now is to be gentle with yourself.

I am not very gentle with myself. So yes and thank you.
I am so ready to spew about everything as I need to get rid of all these secrets...years and years worth of crap. I'm not certain that I will ever verbally share. I just need for someone to at least have a clue what's going on in my head, no one can help me if I don't share.

 

[joeylittle]

no one can help me if I don't share.

So true. Welcome to the forum, @BeMindful. I love your user name. I hope you find a great resource here.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I just need for someone to at least have a clue what's going on in my head, no one can help me if I don't share.

@BeMindful Welcome to the forum.

This is just the place to fond that 'someone to at least have a clue'. So glad you found the forum, you will find loads of support and understanding.

:hug:s if you accept them

Laurie

 

[Sarah542]

Welcome @BeMindful .

I give my journal to my therapist to read and it gives her a starting point on what we should focus on. It's okay not to talk about the trauma right away and focus on stabilizing your emotions first until you feel safe and ready to talk.

I agree. I too have written a journal and gave that to my counsellor to read. It helped me at the start of my counselling when I was still at university. Don't beat yourself up about not being able to talk about it. I know its easy to say and difficult to do. When you notice that you are beating yourself up go do a hobby or something. Its understandable that you feel embarrassed about writing emails after the session. This is better than not writing those emails. Have you thought about writing a book? Perhaps it sounds strange but it could be a way of getting ride of those secrets. I'm writing a a novel on my life and traumas and I'm writing a happy ending.

 

[Disquieted]

. Its understandable that you feel embarrassed about writing emails after the session. This is better than not writing those emails. I'm writing a a novel on my life and traumas and I'm writing a happy ending.

Thanks Laurie! I'm not sure how I feel about the email...actually I am certain I am utterly embarrassed but I will get over it. And awesome that you're writing a novel. In my 20's I wanted to do that but now that I am older I don't really have the desire :) Take Care