Supporter Northern Nj Supporter Looking For Advice And Help

[lovesasoldier]

I need advice, help and support in regard to a soldier Ive been seeing. I got mad at him and now he isn't returning calls, texts or emails.

 

[kahlan]

Give him some space. Its hard but doable. :)

 

[intothelight]

There is a supporter section in this forum that you may find helpful. Take the time to read and learn all you can about this disorder. Isolation is common, but difficult to deal with.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum! :)

 

[lovesasoldier]

I did give him space. Oh ok, I texted him frequently but I finally got a reply. He told me he was going through something, and when I got angry at him he said he reacted like a bitchy little girl. But it took two months. I wish I could say things are fine between us, but they aren't. At least not for me. Him, I have no idea, he doesn't let me in. He's scheduled to be deployed to Afghanistan on August 3rd. He took 3 weeks leave and has spent it in Europe visiting his family. I've only heard from him 3x (he has international calling on his phone but forgot the charger…I guess they don't sell them in Europe?), and I have no idea when he's coming back. An email on June 28 said he'd be back in a couple of days (it's now July 3), no word and I know he was online yesterday. I haven't seen him since May 22, although until he went to Belgium and Portugal, I was getting texts everyday and a few phone calls. He's supposed to leave for TX on the 18th, so I know he won't have time to see me.

Another issue came up last time I saw him. My birthday was at the beginning of May and he was supposed to be on base training for the deployment. Only I find out that he was in a motel 10 minutes away from me with another woman. She's a woman he's know for years, and she had had breast cancer and in the last 8 months reconstructive surgery. We sort of have an open relationship, so his sleeping with her is not why I'm upset. I'm angry because he didn't tell me, and I'm incredibly hurt because it was my birthday. I had seen him the week before and told him how important it was to me that he remember to at least wish me a happy birthday (he doesn't celebrate birthdays or holidays). He did wish me a happy birthday-at 330 am when he was leaving the motel to drive the 45 minutes back to base. He claims he didn't lie to me (I was always told a lie by omission…) he just didn't tell me. But he did lie. when I asked him where he had been he said "shooting guns".

The way I found all of this out was on the day he came to see me, May 21, a friend was talking about not trusting her boyfriend, and that my guy couldn't be trusted either. Yeah she's a little paranoid. But that night he started to tell me about things he'd never shared before, and we've been seeing each other (if you can call it that) about a year. So I started wondering what isn't he telling me? So I did a bad thing. While he was sleeping I went through his phone. It was like a knife to my heart. I realized I know nothing about this man. I confronted him and to his credit instead of leaving, he stayed and we talked for 3 hours. Frankly he doesn't know why he's an idiot. I asked him if he saw any kind of a future for us, and he replied "you have nothing to offer"! He said "you're a great person, kind, and funny, and really smart, but you don't have an apartment (I'm looking), a job (I'm on SSI and I went back to college so I could change my life), or any money". WOW. My situation isn't great right now, but that's not ME. Turns out when he and his ex-wife moved here from France (he met her while in the French Foreign Legion) they were homeless, living in their car, dumpster diving for food. So this isn't about me, it's about his past. He's terrified to end up like that again. My circumstance are very different. He did acknowledge that and added that I am a survivor, which he respected and admired.

He has admitted to some PTSD (duh!), emotional numbing, and avoidance. He has said he feels like an empty shell, or nothing is important to him anymore, and he has few friends, and no one he confides in. Although when his brother was here in May he did say that he talked to him about how he was feeling. His brother told him he needed to change his behavior and life, and made some suggestions. Ironically, the Army has been sending him to MRT courses! So is it the PTSD, or is he just not that into me?
I love this guy, but then I wonder, do I really? Do I love my version of him? Or the version he let me see? Yet, I know, without a shadow of a doubt in my heart (am I rationalizing?), that there is an awesome person in there somewhere. I am now going back to therapy for this. It's such an awful feeling to love someone who doesn't love you back (by choice or because of an illness). I'm stress eating and gaining more weight. I had told him by the time he returns next year I will have gotten the extra weight off. He was excited for me and very encouraging.

So what do I do? The thought of him being in Afghanistan and not hearing from him would kill me. But I also don't want to just be his f**k buddy. I wonder some days if I can believe anything he says. Is he really being deployed? In the last year I have not met anyone he is related to or knows. That is a red flag I know. He hadn't even told anyone about me (until recently he told his brother about me, I think). He claims it's because he doesn't discuss his personal business with anyone, not even his family. I don't think he's married, or engaged, or has a real girlfriend. But then how can I be sure? It could all be explained by the PTSD and his fear of getting involved and hurt again (he keeps saying "I don't know what will happen in a year."). But, again I could be rationalizing.

I feel like my heart has been ripped to shreds by this man. And I allowed it. I allowed him to dictate our entire relationship for fear of losing him. That is pathetic, I know. Logically I know I need to break this off, by my heart says no, hang in there, we have unfinished business. Maybe, while he's gone I can disengage. Or maybe ("hope is a thing with feathers…") we might get closer. If I hear from him that is…AAARRRRGGGG!!!!!

I know this was a long and drawn out post, one I'm not sure anyone will actually read, but I do feel a little better getting it out. So Thank you to any kind soul that responses!!!!

 

[nursenurse]

If I was to tear apart everything in this post that cried "Danger! Will Robinson!" I would have a book, so for the shortened version:

What the heck is there to love? If someone does not owe you fidelity, they owe you nothing. Wake up and see the situation that you have helped create, and given him permission to play into. You have no unfinished business but to say good bye, learn from your mistakes, seek counselling for yourself, and move on. You set yourself up, maybe unwittingly, to be a victim. It doesn't mean you have to continue the role. Stop dissecting the problem, fix the parts you own, and get out of Dodge.

 

[lovesasoldier]

I know you are right. I started therapy last week and hopefully I can find a way through this pain. Turns out he's not being deployed and I am beginning to think he may still love his ex-wife.

I almost hoped for his deployment thinking it would give me the time and room to disengage. Now I have to figure out how to let him go without causing more damage to my psyche.