MeloniMelons
New Here
Hey all,
I've just found this page and thankful for it.
I am mid 30s and diagnosed PTSD due to work related incident. I'm in corrections originally from the UK but living in Australia now.
The incident itself was an assault on a vulnerable person by a person who abused thier position and power who then gloated about it.
I never dealt with the original situation, I sought help and treatment but apparently it was too soon to manage.
I suffered another work related injury because of the report I'd made of improper conduct. As if they could expect anyone to not say something. It was expected and I was punished for not towing the line or being part of the team. I suffered a severe injury because I was perceived to be the problem, I should be taught a lesson, we won't help you.
I remained in the job and carried on, obviously with the great British mindsets of, there is always someone worse off, we do not talk about feelings and keep calm carry on. You never complain never explain type mentality.
This served me well until it didn't. My reluctance to talk to anyone regarding what had happened only served to further harm me. Realising now it's an extremely toxic mindset to have.
Fast forward 2 years and I suffered a retriggering event, this triggered a slow steady spiral of a year and a bit, ending in a paranoid psychosis episode, where I had cartoons on my shoulders playing devil's advocate with my brain in the middle.
The intrusive thoughts won daily regardless of the situation, it only got worse where I thought my partner was having an affair and didn't want me to go swimming with them and a friend.
I was so far down a rabbit hole by this point that I had a weird road rage incident scaring everyone in the car and not really seeing what the issue was as I thought I'd just shouted a bit not had a full meltdown driving erratically at like 100mph. This in fact was a precursor, an entree for the main event.
I had a full paranoid episode where my eyes glazed over I was big scary shouting drivel pulling my hair out talking in riddles and circles about the voices.
I scared the life out of my long term partner, who bless had noticed I was a bit off but wanted to respect my privacy in the hopes I'd get better. What neither of us knew at all was how PTSD can alter your mind, reality and really affect your mental health so severely.
They called someone to help me, I recall sitting there eating McDonald's calmly stating what I thought had happened. In reality I was muddled, manic, riddling, going round in circles about not being heard and the voices still.
I have other disorders, asd, adhd, ocpd, odd, rads, extensive childhood trauma. I had been medicated and started it around the retriggering event, is that a factor? Unknown currently.
My partner had had enough after my psychosis episode. They were fearful for thier safety, thier life and own wellbeing. They left in fear taking what they could and leaving what could be replaced.
During this period they played happy families for thier safety, I was none the wiser. I was still out of control, decided to go on a trip on my motorcycle.
10000kms later I'm there thinking I'm cured I got my confidence back and blah blah still not truly knowing what the truth is. I sent out texts and messages telling people in laws and friends how enlightened I was and what I think of them in a confident and assertive manner...
This definitely wasn't recieved well, as it was all my head and I was mental. I'm unsure how to process some of this but my plan backfired and I was accused by one my in laws as being a coercive controller and an abuser.
I got home, expecting my partner to be there and be happy and to fix things talk be confident and go back to being happy again. I was still in an episode and world crumbled I got home to an empty house with a letter.
I still had no idea what was going on, went to the police as I felt I had been accused of domestic violence in the letter and the gremlin that is paranoia is there saying you've done nothing wrong you're not abusive aggressive or violent why would they accuse of this? Police report made and I felt like I had protected myself from them.
Fast forward a few weeks, a family tragedy brings us to have the most open of conversation. More so than any other conversation in years especially since the ptsd started.
I relay the information to my treating psychologist who immediately puts it all together and tells me what's happening/happened and that they're off on a jolly holiday so I have to wait for some extra help.
I have the triggers, I have the line that can't be crossed, I have the means to put the timeline in and want to workout ptsd behaviour V my norm.
This is all very new to me and my partner, they're talking to me but they also have to work out what's real and what's not. Is what I'm saying the truth? Coupled with the anxiety and absolute fear it's tough to see. I focus on consent and try to not be assertive, aggressive or triggering to them. It genuinely devastates me that they are so afraid of me.
The paranoia gremlin has really done a number on me and I find myself questioning the past year. I know some things are true, but others I'm unclear on. I had to rescind the police complaint as I did not know if it was reality or in my head. Clearly in my head as my partner never did the things I thought they had.
I'm stuck with which therapy would be best and how much do I ask of my partner, especially as right now they probably know me better than I know myself. They definitely know my behaviour patterns and the weird things I've been saying or doing since the original event.
Right now I'm trying to not be too hard on myself but it's hard when I feel like I've nuked my entire life!
I've sent this link to my partner, they may or may not read it. I'm in hope that there may be someone with a similar story or understanding that may provide some starter ideas or resources or resolution.
Thanks in advance for help or advice.
I've just found this page and thankful for it.
I am mid 30s and diagnosed PTSD due to work related incident. I'm in corrections originally from the UK but living in Australia now.
The incident itself was an assault on a vulnerable person by a person who abused thier position and power who then gloated about it.
I never dealt with the original situation, I sought help and treatment but apparently it was too soon to manage.
I suffered another work related injury because of the report I'd made of improper conduct. As if they could expect anyone to not say something. It was expected and I was punished for not towing the line or being part of the team. I suffered a severe injury because I was perceived to be the problem, I should be taught a lesson, we won't help you.
I remained in the job and carried on, obviously with the great British mindsets of, there is always someone worse off, we do not talk about feelings and keep calm carry on. You never complain never explain type mentality.
This served me well until it didn't. My reluctance to talk to anyone regarding what had happened only served to further harm me. Realising now it's an extremely toxic mindset to have.
Fast forward 2 years and I suffered a retriggering event, this triggered a slow steady spiral of a year and a bit, ending in a paranoid psychosis episode, where I had cartoons on my shoulders playing devil's advocate with my brain in the middle.
The intrusive thoughts won daily regardless of the situation, it only got worse where I thought my partner was having an affair and didn't want me to go swimming with them and a friend.
I was so far down a rabbit hole by this point that I had a weird road rage incident scaring everyone in the car and not really seeing what the issue was as I thought I'd just shouted a bit not had a full meltdown driving erratically at like 100mph. This in fact was a precursor, an entree for the main event.
I had a full paranoid episode where my eyes glazed over I was big scary shouting drivel pulling my hair out talking in riddles and circles about the voices.
I scared the life out of my long term partner, who bless had noticed I was a bit off but wanted to respect my privacy in the hopes I'd get better. What neither of us knew at all was how PTSD can alter your mind, reality and really affect your mental health so severely.
They called someone to help me, I recall sitting there eating McDonald's calmly stating what I thought had happened. In reality I was muddled, manic, riddling, going round in circles about not being heard and the voices still.
I have other disorders, asd, adhd, ocpd, odd, rads, extensive childhood trauma. I had been medicated and started it around the retriggering event, is that a factor? Unknown currently.
My partner had had enough after my psychosis episode. They were fearful for thier safety, thier life and own wellbeing. They left in fear taking what they could and leaving what could be replaced.
During this period they played happy families for thier safety, I was none the wiser. I was still out of control, decided to go on a trip on my motorcycle.
10000kms later I'm there thinking I'm cured I got my confidence back and blah blah still not truly knowing what the truth is. I sent out texts and messages telling people in laws and friends how enlightened I was and what I think of them in a confident and assertive manner...
This definitely wasn't recieved well, as it was all my head and I was mental. I'm unsure how to process some of this but my plan backfired and I was accused by one my in laws as being a coercive controller and an abuser.
I got home, expecting my partner to be there and be happy and to fix things talk be confident and go back to being happy again. I was still in an episode and world crumbled I got home to an empty house with a letter.
I still had no idea what was going on, went to the police as I felt I had been accused of domestic violence in the letter and the gremlin that is paranoia is there saying you've done nothing wrong you're not abusive aggressive or violent why would they accuse of this? Police report made and I felt like I had protected myself from them.
Fast forward a few weeks, a family tragedy brings us to have the most open of conversation. More so than any other conversation in years especially since the ptsd started.
I relay the information to my treating psychologist who immediately puts it all together and tells me what's happening/happened and that they're off on a jolly holiday so I have to wait for some extra help.
I have the triggers, I have the line that can't be crossed, I have the means to put the timeline in and want to workout ptsd behaviour V my norm.
This is all very new to me and my partner, they're talking to me but they also have to work out what's real and what's not. Is what I'm saying the truth? Coupled with the anxiety and absolute fear it's tough to see. I focus on consent and try to not be assertive, aggressive or triggering to them. It genuinely devastates me that they are so afraid of me.
The paranoia gremlin has really done a number on me and I find myself questioning the past year. I know some things are true, but others I'm unclear on. I had to rescind the police complaint as I did not know if it was reality or in my head. Clearly in my head as my partner never did the things I thought they had.
I'm stuck with which therapy would be best and how much do I ask of my partner, especially as right now they probably know me better than I know myself. They definitely know my behaviour patterns and the weird things I've been saying or doing since the original event.
Right now I'm trying to not be too hard on myself but it's hard when I feel like I've nuked my entire life!
I've sent this link to my partner, they may or may not read it. I'm in hope that there may be someone with a similar story or understanding that may provide some starter ideas or resources or resolution.
Thanks in advance for help or advice.
