littleoc
VIP Member
I'm not looking forward to court on Monday. I've been feeling hopeless and am dealing with people not hearing me or listening to me lately. People talk over me -- not in the "talking loudly when I talk" way, but in the "you're obviously too slow/stupid to understand me so I'm going to look over your head at your 'caregiver' and explain it to them and not agree to listen to you" kind of way, like I'm not even a person.
Actually, I'm not sure what I want from this thread. Probably not encouragement because my friend offered me that already -- I texted him that I was expecting at most that the judge will find me guilty and I'll end up in jail even if I get a payment plan for the fine because I'm still waiting in disability money. He replied, "Well I think maybe they'll be able to see with the evidence that you aren't lying and really did just panic and it happened to look like stealing, and you don't get a fine and the judge will be so sad about what happened to you that he'll award you a million dollars that Walmart has to pay to cover your emotional damages," obviously being funny.
Which is not only encouragement, but challenging the distorted belief of fortune telling, where I'm clearly just expecting the worst in order to (a) protect myself from the worst possible outcome so it "can't" hurt me as badly when it happens, and (b) prepare for what I expect. Meanwhile my Bestie is helping by doing the opposite, which is guessing a really good, equally unrealistic outcome to the worst case scenario I'm expecting in order to... I'm not sure how to word it. Make it easier to find the most likely middle ground.
I think if it's possible the judge will hate me and condem me instantly, then yeah, it's possible that they will listen earnestly and genuinely try to hand out justice, since that is supposed to be their job. And Walmart's people will genuinely try to say I stole from them despite what I say, because at this point their job relies on it. They're all just people, obviously, and it's my anxiety that makes it feel like they absolutely hate me, that I f*ck up wherever I go and don't belong in society, etc.
On the other hand it was such a big blow to my feeling of security that I'm so devastated that it is difficult to do anything but say the logical answers without being emotional about it. I finally got to the point where I could be in public again, and for what. To be stalked in the Walmart and get so triggered I thought it was the traffickers waiting to grab me. Foolish on my part, K guess, but not out of the realm of reality. I think.
Anyway, not looking forward to defending myself. The police said the judge would give me a public defender, and I'm not sure what to bring. I genuinely didn't steal. So even if it ends up in my empty criminal record, I guess it doesn't matter in the long term.
It would be helpful if I had a therapist, but I've been kicked out of therapy (I am exaggerating an issue because I'm upset about it and feel it was unfair, and irresponsible of the office since I just got out of the hospital and am not doing well (the context is due to disability, such as narcolepsy, I struggle to know when I'm going to be able to make appointments and I'm therefore taking appointments from people who deserve them more than someone who can't make them). That was a ramble.
So I guess the real issue is that I feel helpless, not that I'm going to court. And that I'm just not expecting it to go well, I've been so suicidal that I have my method picked out and the supplies needed in my Amazon shopping cart (despite this, very happy to hear Amazon is getting sued finally), and I feel it doesn't truly matter what the outcome is.
Though, if the last part were true, why am I insisting that it will turn out badly no matter what I do? Seems like I'm hoping it does go well, though I'm sure when/if it does, I will feel silly and dumb for having fortune-telled the worst outcome and feel like I overreacted and that my feelings SHOULD be invalidated.
And I can't even say I want support either, because I'm getting support?
I can't quite tell what I want. To be heard, maybe? To know people know I'm not trying to do crime and also that Walmart is terrible? Because people already know that, and the people who matter in my life do believe me.
So I don't know. Maybe I want the wider world to take me seriously for once, for my life to quit being affected so severely by my two full pages of diagnoses, to be part of society enough that I have housing? For things to stop happening?
The actual worst case scenario according to that would be that the judge and court are corrupt and never let me talk, I don't get a public defender to help me voice what actually happened, or they all point at me when I go mute and also accuse me of having a fake service dog and act like I'm being stupid if I cry about it. And then I get fined a billion dollars, get all my assets sold, am awarded disability but all the money goes directly to Walmart, and have to live in jail for two years.
And based on that, best case scenario is that the court will be full of angels who will sense when I'm telling the truth, give me hugs and tell me the whole case is dismissed for both parties.
And based on THAT, the likely scenario is that court will follow some legal script I'm not familiar with, the public defender will speak on my behalf, and I'll be judged as fairly as a human can judge another human in a Tennessee court, leading to me either getting financial assistance, hopefully, for a fine if the judge decides I was guilty, or the case being dismissed with a warning that I better not be seen stealing ever because it looked like I was and it would be disappointing if it turned out I was stealing 24/7 or whatever. Also the judge may even decide that they targeted me for having a service dog with me. Who knows I guess.
Anyway, I needed something to look forward to after that case so I'm not thinking JUST of that case like it's the end of the world, so Bestie and I are going to go to one of our favorite restaurants afterwards. Hopefully I won't be too tired to go, as it's a two hour drive.
Mainly I just hope I don't get narcolepsy symptoms that morning because I'm going to drive there no matter what. I'd be more upset if I didn't even show up to court and had a warrant out for me, though I'd at least turn myself in or answer the door when the cops arrived I guess
ETA: I think I was so happy in the mental hospital because I genuinely had no recall cues (bc brain damage) to remember any of this? And was just happy about getting out of the ER I'd been in for 11 days that was neglecting my basic needs and being abusive towards me. I don't want to sound like I hate healthcare workers, I don't and I do believe they were trying their best and just didn't want to listen to me. Most people don't seem to listen to me I guess? I can't remember why I am adding this tbh lol
Actually, I'm not sure what I want from this thread. Probably not encouragement because my friend offered me that already -- I texted him that I was expecting at most that the judge will find me guilty and I'll end up in jail even if I get a payment plan for the fine because I'm still waiting in disability money. He replied, "Well I think maybe they'll be able to see with the evidence that you aren't lying and really did just panic and it happened to look like stealing, and you don't get a fine and the judge will be so sad about what happened to you that he'll award you a million dollars that Walmart has to pay to cover your emotional damages," obviously being funny.
Which is not only encouragement, but challenging the distorted belief of fortune telling, where I'm clearly just expecting the worst in order to (a) protect myself from the worst possible outcome so it "can't" hurt me as badly when it happens, and (b) prepare for what I expect. Meanwhile my Bestie is helping by doing the opposite, which is guessing a really good, equally unrealistic outcome to the worst case scenario I'm expecting in order to... I'm not sure how to word it. Make it easier to find the most likely middle ground.
I think if it's possible the judge will hate me and condem me instantly, then yeah, it's possible that they will listen earnestly and genuinely try to hand out justice, since that is supposed to be their job. And Walmart's people will genuinely try to say I stole from them despite what I say, because at this point their job relies on it. They're all just people, obviously, and it's my anxiety that makes it feel like they absolutely hate me, that I f*ck up wherever I go and don't belong in society, etc.
On the other hand it was such a big blow to my feeling of security that I'm so devastated that it is difficult to do anything but say the logical answers without being emotional about it. I finally got to the point where I could be in public again, and for what. To be stalked in the Walmart and get so triggered I thought it was the traffickers waiting to grab me. Foolish on my part, K guess, but not out of the realm of reality. I think.
Anyway, not looking forward to defending myself. The police said the judge would give me a public defender, and I'm not sure what to bring. I genuinely didn't steal. So even if it ends up in my empty criminal record, I guess it doesn't matter in the long term.
It would be helpful if I had a therapist, but I've been kicked out of therapy (I am exaggerating an issue because I'm upset about it and feel it was unfair, and irresponsible of the office since I just got out of the hospital and am not doing well (the context is due to disability, such as narcolepsy, I struggle to know when I'm going to be able to make appointments and I'm therefore taking appointments from people who deserve them more than someone who can't make them). That was a ramble.
So I guess the real issue is that I feel helpless, not that I'm going to court. And that I'm just not expecting it to go well, I've been so suicidal that I have my method picked out and the supplies needed in my Amazon shopping cart (despite this, very happy to hear Amazon is getting sued finally), and I feel it doesn't truly matter what the outcome is.
Though, if the last part were true, why am I insisting that it will turn out badly no matter what I do? Seems like I'm hoping it does go well, though I'm sure when/if it does, I will feel silly and dumb for having fortune-telled the worst outcome and feel like I overreacted and that my feelings SHOULD be invalidated.
And I can't even say I want support either, because I'm getting support?
I can't quite tell what I want. To be heard, maybe? To know people know I'm not trying to do crime and also that Walmart is terrible? Because people already know that, and the people who matter in my life do believe me.
So I don't know. Maybe I want the wider world to take me seriously for once, for my life to quit being affected so severely by my two full pages of diagnoses, to be part of society enough that I have housing? For things to stop happening?
The actual worst case scenario according to that would be that the judge and court are corrupt and never let me talk, I don't get a public defender to help me voice what actually happened, or they all point at me when I go mute and also accuse me of having a fake service dog and act like I'm being stupid if I cry about it. And then I get fined a billion dollars, get all my assets sold, am awarded disability but all the money goes directly to Walmart, and have to live in jail for two years.
And based on that, best case scenario is that the court will be full of angels who will sense when I'm telling the truth, give me hugs and tell me the whole case is dismissed for both parties.
And based on THAT, the likely scenario is that court will follow some legal script I'm not familiar with, the public defender will speak on my behalf, and I'll be judged as fairly as a human can judge another human in a Tennessee court, leading to me either getting financial assistance, hopefully, for a fine if the judge decides I was guilty, or the case being dismissed with a warning that I better not be seen stealing ever because it looked like I was and it would be disappointing if it turned out I was stealing 24/7 or whatever. Also the judge may even decide that they targeted me for having a service dog with me. Who knows I guess.
Anyway, I needed something to look forward to after that case so I'm not thinking JUST of that case like it's the end of the world, so Bestie and I are going to go to one of our favorite restaurants afterwards. Hopefully I won't be too tired to go, as it's a two hour drive.
Mainly I just hope I don't get narcolepsy symptoms that morning because I'm going to drive there no matter what. I'd be more upset if I didn't even show up to court and had a warrant out for me, though I'd at least turn myself in or answer the door when the cops arrived I guess
ETA: I think I was so happy in the mental hospital because I genuinely had no recall cues (bc brain damage) to remember any of this? And was just happy about getting out of the ER I'd been in for 11 days that was neglecting my basic needs and being abusive towards me. I don't want to sound like I hate healthcare workers, I don't and I do believe they were trying their best and just didn't want to listen to me. Most people don't seem to listen to me I guess? I can't remember why I am adding this tbh lol
