General Not Waiting for Her

[InWaiting]

I was going to weather the storm with her. My PTSD girlfriend of 3 years. But she kept pushing me away in spite of me being one of the only stable, non-drunk people in her life.

We were the best couple. We were so in love. And then a few weeks ago she snapped because of a lot of pressure building up as she is getting an advanced degree. I have an advanced degree as well but things were not this hard for me, obviously.

In spite of my constant support (and I am not exaggerating how much I cared for and supported her) she broke up with me out of the blue a few weeks ago. I did not even believe it because it was such a shock to me. She used to profess to love me more than anyone or anything in the whole world and vowed always never to leave me. She said she needed to just be friends. A day later she was drunk and making out (maybe more) with one of her classmates. At the time I still had no idea she suffered from PTSD since she was a teenager (she is now 29). And so I freaked out when I heard the news that she made out with someone else. It was so out of character for her. And so I forgave her within a day (very unusual for me since that kind of behavior is definitely one of my boundaries).

Last night she told me she never loved me and would be better off living the rest of her life alone. I tried to fight it and tell her that I know she did once love me and she said that maybe she did once but she no longer knows what love means and things have changed for her now.

So in spite of feeling like I would love her unconditionally and be there for her no matter happened with this, I am letting her go. I told her so too. She broke my biggest boundary (making out/being intimate with someone else) and broke my heart by telling me she never loved me (even though I do not believe this). So is this the PTSD talking? I think so. Does that mean I cannot feel pain over it all? No.

This all unravelled so fast and she does not understand why i am grieving it. I think the best solution for me to have peace of mind about it is to walk away, sad as that is. I wanted to fight for her and I but she clearly (or maybe not so clearly) does not want that. I have to respect her wishes and my own boundaries. Hope I'm doing the right thing...

 

[TLight]

InWaiting;
It definately sounds like she is in self destruct mode........not believingin love, that is very PTSD. The pressure building, her getting drunk..........she is having symptoms.

My intuition tells me she will come to her senses and realize she needs your love and support and that she has gotten out of control. I know this must hurt you very badly.
As a sufferer.....sometimes I think that I'm the only one in pain,the only one with razor thin emotions and who will likely die if I get hurt............I'm just now beginning to realize that others have sensitive emotions too, PTSD or not, we are all just humans.........my PTSD,my fears, my intense sadness, my feelings are not the only thing on the planet............I think as sufferers we tend to forget the needs and sensitivities of others.

She has slipped big time. Whether she snaps out of it and whether you decide to attempt to build trust with her again is something only time will tell.

I can tell you've been deeply hurt and building trust with her again may be a rollercoaster experience. Is she in therapy?

 

[InWaiting]

Thank you for your response TLight. Your words and this forum in general have been very helpful. She is in therapy which she sought out on her own. For that I am very proud of her because I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to reach out when she was crashing so hard. I know she is suffering very much right now and hopefully you are right that her recent thoughts about love are symptoms and not her real feelings. She said she only has ever known lust and anger, something she never would have said a few months ago or at any other time in our relationship. I know though, whether she does or not, that we did have love between us. Maybe eventually those feelings will come back for her. Regardless, I am working on trying to not take this all personally. I want to be there for her but space right now seems like the best thing for both of us.

 

[Nicolette]

While I do not wish to diminish anyone else's situation it has been a breath of fresh air reading your post InWaiting. While I am sorry for the loss of your relationship, or should I say the current situation, it is so good that you have made some wise choices and stuck by your boundaries. Well done!

 

[TLight]

Boy, I can relate.......I've only known anger and lust too......that is beginning to change for me, thank heavens. I'm a passionate person, but I'm realizing I can make that a very positive thing.

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself, InWaiting. It must be terribly difficult for you. You have given your feelings to someone who may or may not be able to return them to you in a healthy manner right now. Please be very aware and careful for yourself......actually, the best thing you can do for her is to do just that........then perhaps a supportive friendship may be a route you two can take if that sounds like something she can handle. If not...........you can not afford to go down with a sinking ship........life is just too damn short.

 

[InWaiting]

Thank you both for your support. And you're very right TLight, life is too short. Every time I feel like caving in on my boundaries, I come to this website and somehow renew my strength. A part of me wishes she would come to this forum too and let it help her the way it has helped me but I know her situation is so much more difficult and painful than mine. There's just something healing about knowing there are so many others out there going through the same kinds of things.

 

[Nicolette]

but I know her situation is so much more difficult and painful than mine.

While based on medical evidence this comment is true, it still does not mean you should diminish your own pain. Everyone's pain is exactly that to them..pain!. My mum would often say "there is someone else out there who is worse off than you" and while true it didn't change the fact that to me at that point in time I felt my world was terrible. I recently read a book on depression which I heard was very good and it says "Don't point out there are people in this world far worse off then them. It just adds to their feelings of guilt and hopelessness".

Sorry, I have digressed a little.

 

[Ann Onimous]

In Waiting, I agree with you. I went through a lot of the same things you are going through. I finally decided that when others act in ways you can't control, the only thing to do is back off, because you can only control your reactions. Plus, when they break your boundaries, they have BROKEN YOUR BOUNDARIES.

I tried to be supportive of my ex (a sufferer himself); I tried to be friendly with him after our sudden break-up. But then I realized that his actions during the latter part of our relationship are inexcusable and a friendship would be too painful. Plus, if I were to act as if the things he did to me were okay (regardless of his suffering), I would only be enabling him. He overstepped my boundaries; your sufferer overstepped yours.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello InWaiting,

I agree with Nicolette- you should not diminish your own pain.

In fact, from what I have learned about ptsd, the pain and feelings suffered by someone who loves/cares about/ or cares for, someone with ptsd, can be extremely similar to what the person with ptsd is experiencing, and cause as much pain to their heart.

It takes courage to establish and maintain your boundaries.

Thank you for your kindness and compassion, too.
Best of luck to you and peaceful acceptance of whatever you must decide.

 

[Deleted member 1606]

I would recommend leaving her alone after telling her that you're willing to talk whenever she'd like to. You need to have your life. And she seems to indulging in out of control behaviors because she's afraid of failing.

I get the impression that she's lying when she says she never loved you. She's more likely pushing you away because intimacy frightens her now. Trying to hold on to her will make pull away even more.

The only way is to let her know the door is open, then get on with your life.

 

[InWaiting]

Thanks everyone. Just to update.... it's only been a few days but her behaviors did get worse. The drinking, drinking and driving, hanging around bad influences, who knows what else. So I am happy with my decision to walk away. You're all quite right. I cannot control her behaviors, nor should I expect to. The only person I can control is me. And to protect my own heart and feelings, cutting off contact for now is best. I let her know that if she ever wants to talk, she can contact me. But I know I could never expect to have a life or a family with someone that might just disappear someday. That's just my personal feeling on the matter. And Karma, thanks for saying that her telling me she never loved me was a lie. I feel that it is a lie too. It's something she said, I believe, to help push me away. Space is better for both of us. Thanks for all your support, everyone!