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Not worthy of repair

Midnightmoon

Confident
Its an anniversary of my Ex T leaving/ terminating (abandoning seems more appropriate but I'm trying to be grown up about it...) and the attachment pain is on in full force. I went from seeing them twice a week with phone support to nothing in the blink of an eye. One of my main fears, that we used to talk about often, was opening the can of worms and then being left to deal with it on my own. There was so much reassurance that that wouldn't happen (unless beyond her control of emergency ill health etc), she was in it for the long haul. I'd never had therapy before, I knew nothing of what I was letting myself in for. It was warm and caring and god it hurt my brain. Experiencing that care that I didn't know existed.

The whole time a voice inside told me it was too good to be true, it can't be real, surely no one can care about us like that, not really. Week by week that voice got quieter until I nearly forgot it was there at all...

Until it was right. I'm told I've gone too wrong, were ending work immediately. No plan, no closure. Just left on my own. That was that. I sat stunned. I had made a mistake, but nothing awful, nothing that put me or ex T at risk. I thought we'd have to talk about it, I really, really didn't think I'd be told she was done with me.

There is a sentence that keeps playing in my head that I wish would shift. I looked at her (rare, my eye contact was poor to non existent) and almost whispered 'I'm not worth repairing with', and she looked back and just said, so matter of factly, no.

Ex T still practices, still specialising in CPTSD. I still have this persistent attachment pang for her, for what was. Then the shame of being too damn messed up for a specialist T is really really biting my backside.

I have a new T, were only a handful of sessions in, and I've told them I don't want to continue. I don't know if that's self sabotage or self protection. I didn't listen to that little voice before and I ended up getting really, really hurt. Isolating isn't ideal, but neither is therapy that harms. Unsure why I'm moaning on, today just hurts, feeling more broken than normal
 
I get the not being worth of repair… hard.

But?

I’m contrary.

I may not be WORTH fixing… but I’ll fix myself just to spite the truth. As I see it.

I have a new T, were only a handful of sessions in, and I've told them I don't want to continue. I don't know if that's self sabotage or self protection.
When in doubt? Throw it out. Shrug. IMO.

Find someone who inspires you. Who lights the fire. If only to spite them. If, better, to be your own best.
 
Then the shame of being too damn messed up for a specialist T is really really biting my backside.
I had a T who was seeing me 2-3 times a week. Then one day I got a call from his boss to let me know he wouldn’t be seeing me any more. Still works exactly the same job, just…not with me.

It hurt a lot. Like, a lot.

But, it was a him issue. Not a me issue. And the same goes for you. It’s got nothing to do with your worth.

Try and be gentle with yourself while the emotions wash over. It gets easier.

If you can, allow your new T the opportunity to show you what support can be like. They may not get it right either, but you deserve the support.
 
we hire them, we fire them, never forget which way the money flows. I have experienced similar things with t’s through insurance changes, retirements, and i have pulled the plug many many times. Yes, they were there for me one day and then the next day gone or not accessible.
Every time i have needed another I have found one, eventually. Dont give up on yourself or therapy. If for no other reason than it works.
Of all of those therapists, do you know how many I exchange christmas cards with? Yep, zero. I get more from ex mortgage bankers, real estate agents and insurance salespeople and i was for sure less attached to them emotionally.
Keep looking, it beats the alternative by a lot, a helluva lot
 
I wish I could believe it was a 'them' issue, but it's a me issue. I must have approached 20 plus T's when I was looking again, and all but two told me no... If that doesn't scream a me issue I don't know what does!

Ex T worked in such a human way, there was bday cards and little gifts and transitional objects. I had a little insight into her as she practiced from home, it felt such a gentle space. There were phones calls late at night when I didn't have anyone else and flexibility and so much warmth. That loss is almost worse than the not knowing... I was blissfully unaware of what care feels like. Now I'm so deeply aware its 'missing' it's like it's reinforced attachment wounds from long ago. No one is really safe or stable, even if they're a professional.

I don't know what to do about new T. Minds like a blender.
 
if you look you can find services in your area i hope. i am in the us, there are numbers i can call at the county and national level, maybe state but i dont know, help me out here someone?
i have reached out to my employee assistance program who found me therapists when i didnt have the time to spend looking and finding everybodies practices were full, they were a great help.
really, this all goes better if you can find a guide that knows the path, keep looking, keep trying and you will find someone!
 
I don't know what to do about new T
The 2 places that can be reliable for referrals where I am are your GP, and therapists connected to the Trauma units at nearby private hospitals.

There are also online search engines, although I can’t vouch for how good they are.

Ex T worked in such a human way, there was bday cards and little gifts and transitional objects. I had a little insight into her as she practiced from home, it felt such a gentle space. There were phones calls late at night when I didn't have anyone else
Yeah, I hear you.

I got burned pretty badly by my own experience. I’m now very fussy about making sure that my T is observing responsible professional boundaries.

Complex trauma is not an easy thing to sit on the other side of, no matter how much kindness or empathy a T might bring to the table. They are still human, and those boundaries are there to protect their own sanity and wellbeing. Without those boundaries, no matter how well-intended or compassionate, humans burn out.

It still hurts like a mofo, and can feel a bit like a crisis. Which is a very shitty space to be. But keep plugging away at it - it will be temporary. There is more than one T in this world who is capable and willing to help you.
 
I still can't work out how to quote bits of text, sorry, maybe one day (!) but it's really useful to hear this stuff.

I think part of the issue is I don't have anyone involved, no GP etc, as it's all part of the trauma stuff. So no one to refer to or ask. That probably makes me a risky proposition to any private T, understandably, so they nearly all say no. But to work through any trauma to be able to have people involved, I need a T... I've been trying for years to do it myself and it's only got worse/ more entrenched. Catch 22...

I understand the boundaries thing, I was like that anyway, if anyone was even remotely nice I'd run for the hills questioning what an earth was going on. I let my guard down a bit with Ex T, tried to trust the process and lean in and all that bull that they like to tell you. Look where that got me... This time round my defenses are so reinforced maybe it's a hopeless battle even trying to learn again.

Ah well, new T isn't letting me quit without a meeting, not decided if I want to go through that or not yet.
 
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new T isn't letting me quit without a meeting, not decided if I want to go through that or not yet.
Be aware of the Run reflex that we have with ptsd.

Like it or not, therapy or no, we have an overactive amygdala. That’s the part of our brain, right at the primitive core, that controls our fight/flight response.

For ordinary folks, their amygdala triggers that fight/flight response when things are genuinely dangerous. For us, it has a hair trigger. Even experiencing an emotion (say, disappointment, or shame) can be enough for our amygdala to set a whole series of physical responses in motion that all work simultaneously to tell us, “Run! Run now, and run fast!”

Seeing someone new isn’t dangerous. Even though it feels unsafe. You have zero commitment to each other. T may decide it won’t work for them because… You may decide it won’t work for you because… No harm, no foul.

If it isn’t going to work with this T? At the very least, they’re an excellent person to ask, “Do you know anyone else you’d recommend?”.
 
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