Odd Adult Son Tormenting Daughter

[Raj]

Our 19 year old, Oppositional Defiant son is harrasing our daughter. She is 15 and has mild Cerebral Palsy and he when he visits he calls her names and now strokes her hand in very creepy way. He is way into porn and has groped his brother 16 and tried to get brother to grope him about four gears ago. Counseling did not help stop violen tendencies either. Do we tottally ban him from house at this point, we already supervise visits. Made him leave yesterday. Really sad.

Raj

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Your daughter's safety should be your main concern but also the safety/wellbeing of the younger son. Has the older son tried any therapy to help him learn how to redirect or address some of the symptoms of his disorder? If not that maybe should be considered. In the mean time, you can either ask he should either be supervised at all times around his siblings or should only have visits with you and his mother, or in public settings until his behaviour and/or your trust improves - though without therapy this is unlikely. If he becomes more abusive, I would put your other children first - in my opinion.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi Raj,

First of all, I think you are doing the right thing supervising his visits. He should obviously not be left alone with your other children (or anyone he could possibly overpower for that matter). His behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. I can't judge if you should ban him from your lives completely, but your son needs serious help.

How do you feel about this? Do you think you can sit down with him and convince him to get professional help? I don't know how this works in the U.S., but I believe in my country people can be forced to accept psychiatric help if they have been proven to be a danger to society.

Just be careful and focus on keeping everyone safe. But don't forget that he is your son and it could be very good for all involved if you're supportive of him wherever you can. It could make a huge difference to him.

 

[Dee Morris]

Why is this even a question? It's YOUR job to protect your daughter who is extremely vulnerable. He is clearly a danger to your other children. Keep him as far away from them as humanly possible.

 

[Raj]

He refuses counseling, when younger we did not give a choice when younger. Violence included hitting brother forvnot groping an breaking my ribs during verbal argument.

Raj

 

[Queen Boudica]

Did you call the police on him when he broke your ribs? Because if he is that violent you need to consider restraining orders. Safety of the family first. Then he needs help or he will end up in jail.

 

[Ronin]

Is there anyone (adult. experienced. possible authority figure but not enough 'danger' vibes giving so he'd entirely refuse to work with the person) that may step in with him? How does he relate to people that are not family?

Other question: Is there any safe setting for him to get physical, without taking it out on people?
Third question: Do you know what triggers his outbursts? Is there some way you could minimize that, if you happen to learn what it is?

 

[Raj]

We are in a very rural community, hitting and rib breaking four years ago. Counseling was option we chose we thouhgt violence control improved, recently he threatened his boss. Resources here are not great. When he was minor enforcement kept telling us it cwas a phase and football players are just rough. None of this is roughness, it is abuse! We had him see multiple counselors and he still says we have all the problems. We also had family counseling.

Raj

 

[Queen Boudica]

No violence acceptable in the home. If he gets violent you call the Police and issue restraining orders. If he does not get psychiatric help he is not allowed back. Simple as that. You have other kids to protect. He is on his way to jail and or seriously hurting someone. Threatening his boss is another indicator. And if you don't insist he gets help now and get REAL tough that is where he will end up.

 

[Justmehere]

Raj - first of all, my heart goes out to you. You and your family have been through a lot.

It would be very reasonable to exclude him from your home. If you and your partner (if you have one) want to still stay in contact with him, maybe you could meet him for dinner, in a public place or do other things together, away from his daughter, with the condition that he is in treatment. If he is not in treatment, then no contact would be reasonable too.

Keeping him out of your home and away from your daughter will keep him from traumatizing your daughter and you. If you meet him in a public place, it will give you a safer place to still have a means of contact with him. If you require he is in treatment in order to meet with him in public, it will be the best way to push him to get help. Keep good boundaries to keep your other kids AND YOU as safe as possible.

Do you have any support for you and your other family members in sorting this out? Do your other kids have any support? (Other than the ODD son) No matter what you decide to do, this is really hard stuff to be going through. I commend you on your courage to deal with it instead of turn a blind eye like some families do.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Counsellors can be manipulated very easily. No violence is a phase and no excuse he is a football player. Abuse is what it is and anyone who excused him with oh you are just rough because you are a football player or it is a teenage phase is negligent. If he is truly OD and been fed these excuses you are going to have a tough time turning it round. You need someone really good and it can't be you. You need to keep yourselves safe. Family counselling maybe when he has got further down the treatment but for now I would suggest you stick to your guns and keep him away.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

If he does not get psychiatric help he is not allowed back.

This.