desiderata310
VIP Member
Today started off a little off kilter and has just STAYED that way.
Woke up after a night mare: I was at work and was walking through the big load in doors to the stage to give the safety talk for a load in of an opera so there were tons of hands. Most were from the new house but many faces were from M-town. As I walked in I slipped in some water and fell hard on the floor. At that moment, S came out of nowhere. He was coming at me and wasn't stopping. I spent most of the night running down halls and alleyways trying to get away from him. When I woke up in a sweat, my bed was completely torn apart. *sigh* and it was time to just go ahead and start the day.
Got a text from Z that he could start filling his part of the bargain finally and would soon be able to do therapy starting next month.
And then work started. I was still a little ill from a huge ugly meeting the day prior when I had to tell the stakeholders that the fire wall needed a complete redesign and they were also pissed at my boss and putting me on the spot asking me questions about sound issues and a ridiculous plan my boss had for hiring someone to "design" a recording set up and protocol. (Personally think it's a HUGE waste of money but I digress.) I had to meet with my boss about the budget and was getting emails about how there were anomalies dating back to when I started and some woman over in finance was being pissy because I was telling her that the charges she was sending me were NOT mine!
To put a cherry on the top of a silly day, I got a text from my therapist saying he wasn't available to meet today because he has a bug. I TOTALLY get being sick. Hell, I am glad he isn't coming in and exposing me the week before I have 3 shows back to back to back!
Part of me was relieved that I wouldn't have to go through talking about the email I sent him Sunday; about what he meant when he asked me about the compartmentalization. That was actually stupid. I should have just left well enough alone. (He texted me that he had gotten the email and we would discuss this week. *Face palm* I don't want to discuss it) And honestly, even without the EMDR, therapy is a bit like torture.
I am going in to talk about unpleasant shit and how I feel about it and the fact is, dredging it up is miserable. All that said, once I got over the momentary elation that I wouldn't have to go to therapy I have admit, I now feel… lost and quite uneasy. It's that shitty feeling right before I go down the rabbit hole: nothing feels right, I'm squirmy and want to curl up and cry but I am not really certain why. Suddenly, tomorrow afternoon feels like an eternity away. I told my therapist that I was cool and not to worry about tomorrow afternoon (we rescheduled for then) if he wasn't 100% but right now, I am not feeling ok. Quite frankly, that's stupid but for whatever reason, I can't drag myself out of this.
Woke up after a night mare: I was at work and was walking through the big load in doors to the stage to give the safety talk for a load in of an opera so there were tons of hands. Most were from the new house but many faces were from M-town. As I walked in I slipped in some water and fell hard on the floor. At that moment, S came out of nowhere. He was coming at me and wasn't stopping. I spent most of the night running down halls and alleyways trying to get away from him. When I woke up in a sweat, my bed was completely torn apart. *sigh* and it was time to just go ahead and start the day.
Got a text from Z that he could start filling his part of the bargain finally and would soon be able to do therapy starting next month.
And then work started. I was still a little ill from a huge ugly meeting the day prior when I had to tell the stakeholders that the fire wall needed a complete redesign and they were also pissed at my boss and putting me on the spot asking me questions about sound issues and a ridiculous plan my boss had for hiring someone to "design" a recording set up and protocol. (Personally think it's a HUGE waste of money but I digress.) I had to meet with my boss about the budget and was getting emails about how there were anomalies dating back to when I started and some woman over in finance was being pissy because I was telling her that the charges she was sending me were NOT mine!
To put a cherry on the top of a silly day, I got a text from my therapist saying he wasn't available to meet today because he has a bug. I TOTALLY get being sick. Hell, I am glad he isn't coming in and exposing me the week before I have 3 shows back to back to back!
Part of me was relieved that I wouldn't have to go through talking about the email I sent him Sunday; about what he meant when he asked me about the compartmentalization. That was actually stupid. I should have just left well enough alone. (He texted me that he had gotten the email and we would discuss this week. *Face palm* I don't want to discuss it) And honestly, even without the EMDR, therapy is a bit like torture.
I am going in to talk about unpleasant shit and how I feel about it and the fact is, dredging it up is miserable. All that said, once I got over the momentary elation that I wouldn't have to go to therapy I have admit, I now feel… lost and quite uneasy. It's that shitty feeling right before I go down the rabbit hole: nothing feels right, I'm squirmy and want to curl up and cry but I am not really certain why. Suddenly, tomorrow afternoon feels like an eternity away. I told my therapist that I was cool and not to worry about tomorrow afternoon (we rescheduled for then) if he wasn't 100% but right now, I am not feeling ok. Quite frankly, that's stupid but for whatever reason, I can't drag myself out of this.
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