Oh No . . . Feelings For My Therapist

[Nicolette]

This is a bit scary for me. I will keep seeing my therapist and hope that things don't go wrong now that the invisible shield I keep around myself has been penetrated.

Just wondering if this "invisible shield" is something which gets turned on and off? When its on do you block everyone out including your family or is it just towards certain people who potentially abuse your trust in them?

 

[Mina]

I think the previous posts are right...that it's a great thing you have compassion or are developing it.

But to add to it, caring about someone and feeling compassion for them generally isn't something that happens overnight (at least not for me :rolleyes:). So, you might look at it this way: these feelings have developed over time. They were probably there a month or two ago, or before that. What's new is your AWARENESS of them because something happened which made you realize those feelings. It's not like you let down your shield overnight...it's a relationship which has been established over time, and the compassion and caring and developed over time. They were there before; you just didn't know about them yet.

By the way, I also care about my therapist - she's a kind and wonderful person, aside from being a good therapist.

 

[Jade-]

Just wondering if this "invisible shield" is something which gets turned on and off? When its on do you block everyone out including your family or is it just towards certain people who potentially abuse your trust in them?

I had to think about your questions a bit in order to be completely honest.....

I guess the shield does get turned on and off. It has it's own sensor though. When I meet someone, there's an automatic 'red alert' that starts flashing....everyone is a potential abuser. It tries to analyze the situation, but it has malfunctioned so many times before that I push the override button and block all access.

Seriously though, I do block most everyone. It's a lonely existence, but it's the only way I know to protect myself. Every time I let someone in, I end up being hurt in some way so it's easier to not let them in at all. When I do actually let them in, it's only at the superficial level.

I do block my husband out 50% of the time, but I feel like I have to.....just in case. If I didn't, and something went wrong with our marriage, I think the pain would be too unbearable. I know it's probably not rational thinking, but I have this belief that if he doesn't know just how much I do care and do love him, it won't hurt as much if things go wrong.

But I do let my kids in, 100%..... But .... unfortunately when things go wrong and become painful, they get blocked too. That's something I'm working on in therapy. I don't want to block them, it's an automatic response. It hurts too much to not block them.

When I reach out to people and they respond with kindness, it makes me want to run the other way. I automatically think they must have an ulterior motive.

....and writing this makes me realize how screwed up I am.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

(((((((((((((((Jadbear)))))))))))))))

There is a lot that is incredibly right within you, too. (No ulterior motives either :) nothing I want, need or plan to do to you ;).)

I'm glad to see you - I got scared for you, yesterday...
Love,
Deer

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Jadebear)))))

I'm the same way.

May it's the parts of our world that made our abuse possible that are screwed up. We just know how to function in that world....but not recognize the safe one when we're in it?

 

[Sethe]

Jade-

You're not screwed up. You've experienced trauma and your body is working to protect you from possible future threats. Unfortunately, I see most people as 'possible abusers' too and I hate it. It sucks.

I want to say something that I've seen a lot here, but is hard for me to do (and I really want to learn how).

Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[jesse]

Hi JB I get freaked out too in situations like this. I think/know I have major abandment issues. It's like when you realize you care or have deep feelings you want to withdrawl and hide. So unhealthy for me but I can completely understand why you would feel that way.