Opiate Withdrawals... Again

[BOAG]

I've been therapy long enough to understand the reasons I turned to opiates as a coping mechanism. They made me numb, they made me be able to not think about things, they made me able to get through the motions of life. Fair enough.

And I realize being a mostly on again, and rarely off again addict for the past few decades just engrains the pattern and the dysfunctional thought process that drugs are the answer to all my problems, ranging from being able to go to the grocery store to dealing with all the things I don't want to deal with.

But for f*ck's sake, when am I going to be able to say enough is f*cking enough??? OD'ing and being on a ventilator to be kept alive? Nope, that barely registered. Hurting the only person who has ever loved me? Well, that one does sting, but doesn't stop me from using. I have an arsenal of reasons/excuses why it is ok for me to use. I'm a very special snowflake, after all.

I want to be done with this bullshit. I'm currently going through withdrawals at the moment, so I'm not the very happiest of campers. But christ on a crutch, at some point I have to decide for myself that I cannot do this anymore. And somehow make that stick. I've done detox, rehabs, psych wards, dual diagnosis, therapy (still currently in), IOP, suboxone (don't even get me started with that one)... they all work for awhile, until they don't. Or until I say f*ck it.

I don't know. I'm being whiney, no doubt.

I just want this to be done with this, once and for all. With all my heart, I want this to be the very last time I ever have to go through withdrawals. It's not the physical aspect that's so bad, I'm fairly used to that, it's the mental mind f*ck.

I guess what I'm asking... what I'd love to hear... is if anyone has been an opiate addict and found a way to quit that lasted. Yeah, I would love to hear that.

 

[mama13]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have not gone through withdrawl first hand though I have been around addicts who have either lost their lives or have accepted their addiction and cope each minute with the disease. I know this sounds silly but I have found Intervention the show one of the cable networks, has success stories online. My friend's father and sister both had serious drug addictions and both lost their lives to it. I have plenty of functional alcoholics in my life as well, though my brother has quit both drinking and smoking the day he woke up hungover and couldn't breath. He accepted his addiction, and many years later, still fights urges and somehow has developed a social anxiety but channels it through finding a small tribe of friends and going to movies a ton as well as starting his own business. I am sorry that I am not able to offer more but I think talking about it and facing/owning up to your truth, your reality is the best place to start. I wish you all the support in the world!

 

[ladee]

Twelve Step recovery program. I am clean and sober for 32 years this past Dec.
With that and therapy for my PTSD...but you have to want to stay clean. Even on the days you are INSANE. Plenty of days I stayed clean 5 minutes at a time.
It taught me How to live . Gave me a foundation to build on. I no longer go to meetings but did...every single day for 10 years. More than one on the crazy days. Stayed up my sponsors ass, worked the steps..really helped with self forgiveness.
There is never going to be an easy way to stay clean.

You have to want it..no matter which path you follow. I've been where you are. Wouldnt go back there again even on my worst PTSD days.
I hope you find a way. I know how you feel.
Gentle hugs.

 

[GrayOwl]

Opiate addict......no.
Compulsively addicted to escaping reality? Through whatever means is available?
Alcohol, weed, coke, gambling, work, yep. All my life. Compulsively.
Opiates, heroin, needles, meth....something in me drew the line. Maybe cuz I saw the utter devastation that causes to the brain waves.
Physical withdrawals pale in comparison to what the mind does when it decides quitting is no longer a good idea, and the "need" kicks back in. You are correct.
Tons and tons of support, determination beyond anything I had ever wanted in my life, and finally an awareness - that my addiction was smarter than I'll ever be, more cunning than I could ever dream of being, and would win and whip my ass every single time - helped me overcome. Some 12 step principles - and being willing to accept any progress forward, no matter how slow or how small, is gift enough each day. It's slow, I'll always be flawed, but I am ok with that and with me most days, and my life today is "only as good as I allow it to be" today. Most days that is acceptable.
Take any progress you can make. No matter how slow.
I hope you find what you're looking for. Support and prayers. It can be done.

 

[OneBloodyMoment]

I've been therapy long enough to understand the reasons I turned to opiates as a coping mechanism. They ma...

I have, for 10 years now. I didn't go to a programme. One day I just became utterly, completely disgusted with myself and the way opiates (heroin at first, then morphine prescribed for post-cancer pain) had me living. Even though they were being prescribed for me by a doctor for physical pain I was abusing them because my psychological pain was stronger. I wasn't looking to be numb; my brain did/does it's own numbing. I was looking to do quite the opposite, to feel something good. Without opiates I was either numb or depressed/in misery.

I stopped cold turkey and had the worst withdrawal ever (yes, I'd gone through it many times before). I quit and it lasted because I was so sick of being a slave to drugs, even though the damned things actually worked somewhat. But, as I'm sure you well know, too much is never enough. I wanted to feel great, not just out of misery and that's a losing game. One thing that helped keep me off the opiates was staying FAR away from any access to them.

Unfortunately I have chronic pain problems which stem from my childhood abuse and recently I've had to go on prescription pain meds in order to regain some functionality. So far Embeda has been working alright, but I know it's going to be really hard not to fall back into the old behaviours. I struggled everyday to stay clean before; now I feel like the struggle has at least doubled.

 

[ladee]

@OneBloodyMoment , I too am a recovering addict.
I also am on pain meds.
I spent time making a very clear distinction about the difference between meds and drugs.
I am on meds...not drugs. I have yet to get 'high' on anything I take. It eases my pain. Period.
I keep a 'med log' . I write down the time..the med..and on the days I take more, I write down why. For instance...on cold rainy days I hurt more. I am less active.
I just started Pain Managment and will get test results in a few days. My Dr. And I will work out a plan.
I told him upfront I am an addict. Disclosure keeps me honest with myself and with him.
Yes we have to be careful and be honest. Hopefully when I know exactly what is going on...arthritis or something else or a combo of.... I can also start excercises that help. See what foods are aggravating my symptoms,etc.
I never want to go back to the hell of addiction.
But sometimes we have to take 'medicine'. And it is our responsibility to stay off the slippery slope.
And my PTSD symptoms are more managable by keeping myself accountable .
Hope this helped.. Many recovering addicts here. You are not alone.