Overwhelmed

[A soldiers wife]

Ok, I will try my best to give a brief history of events...
My husband has been in the military for 16years, 3 deployments. We have been together for 10yrs, married for 4 of them. I have been with him as a girlfriend for his second deployment and as a wife for his 3rd. He has always been the sweetest, most romantic, and loving man. Strong morals too! He has always been so full of life, loved laughter and always had an optimistic attitude.
Upon returning from his last deployment, 3yrs ago, it felt as if my husband never came back. At first I just convened myself that he was having a harder time adjusting this time. We spoke and/or emailed daily during the deployment and he was still that positive, loving man I maried and so I was lost as to what happened. I tried approaching him several times about how distant he is, my concerns and I was met with defense and aggression. I would shut down and completely forget what I was trying to say to him (this is due to childhood stuff on my part). He has become an extreamly compulsive spender, didn't care if bills didnt get paid as long as he got what he wanted and complained when he couldn't have something. "You never let me buy anything I want or do anything I want". He escapes to his computer to play video games only to come out to eat and sleep (spending $200-300 a month buying stuff in the games and hides it).
The intimate side of our relationship has been on a decline since he came home... once a month, once every other month, 3 times a year to nothing.
It's been hard on me, I've become so angry and then I hate myself for being so angry at him when I have no idea what he went through. (I agreed in the beginning never to ask him). Every attempt to reach out to him was met with aggression and just pushed him farther away. His parents are jerks and only talk to him when they need or want something. His best friend has become that kind of person too.
It took me falling into a deep depression for him to start talking to me and then admitting that he thinks he needs help!
He has been diagnosed with PTSD and has an extream disconnect. He sees the counselor and we have just started going as a couple. This all starting about a month and a half ago. He has PTSD classes that start up in a few weeks and we will be doing the couples classes also.
During the first few weeks I learned that he feels nothing for me. There is no connection at all to me or to anyone and that he just wants to lock himself away and avoid life. I am still learning about PTSD and trying to learn as much as I can. I have accepted that this is who he is now and that with counceling and my support we can build towards helping him cope with it and us learning to live with it. I know this journey will be challenging but this is the man I love "in sickness and in health, till death do us part"! I will fight for him, I believe in him, we can do this!

A week ago today I learned that he cheated on me. He said he doesn't know why, he just didn't care. It was only kissing and went on for a few months...
It took 2days to hit me, it felt like I was in a dream. The man I married would rather take a bullet to the chest then cheat on me. It felt as if everything wasn't really happening, I was watching someone's nightmare, my nightmare and I couldn't wake from it. I couldn't stop crying and at times I couldn't breath. It constantly felt like my whole body was trembling. My heart pounding, the vibration making me tremble more, cry more. I had spurts of rage, I wanted to kick and scream and AHHHHHH! Then I'd find hope in the smallest thing telling myself "we can still do this, I love him and I know this isn't my husband... he is still in there!" Followed by an image in my head of him with this other woman and my heart sinking into my stomach, just to repeat the cycle. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat... I thought I was going crazy. It just barely stopped, the trembling, but I am still an emotional rollercoaster. I want to scream at him for hurting me but it would just infuriate me looking into his eyes and seeing nothing but a void. I am frustrated, mad at myself for being frustrated at all of it. And it's more frustrating that he won't accept that PTSD is a part of his life.
He doesn't want any kind of physical contact with me but is addicted to porn. I know it's the PTSD but it's so hard to not feel unwanted, unloved, and worthless when the love of your life looks at you blankly and says "sorry, it is what it is". The coldness behind it is so hard to get past and it's so hard to not burst into tears. And then feeling like an ass because he is fighting a whole new war in his head and here I am making it more stressful. I try to hide away and cry just to get it out but he inevitably finds me and I get that void look again with "what's wrong"... "oh"... he doesn't even grasp that I can't just turn it off, that I need time to heal. He's frustrated with me because I'm emotional and I'm frustrated with him because he isn't.
Im going to try to find a counselor, just for me, to help me with everything going on in my head. I don't want to create a home life that stresses him more. I don't trust my friend to not tell the entire world and to be honest I don't trust anybody right now. But I still need to vent to someone! We are still doing all the other counceling and classes and still hanging in there? It's really hard to tell where he stands...

I wanted to get any advice from people who have PTSD. Things that made it worse for you that your spouse did and things that they did that made it easier on you. Things you have done that have helped. Any advice is welcomed.

I am a patient, caring, understanding and forgiving person... I know some of my words, my feeling might come across as insensitive and they are. I'm venting, I love this man more then words can begin to express. He is my best friend, my hero, my strength, my lover and my husband. I accept that this is who he is now, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less to see the love of your life not able to feel the love I have for him. Him not being able to feel the love he had for me. I can't even imagine how hard that would be... I am here for him and ready to walk by his side, hand in hand.

 

[Shawn b]

Firstly I commend you on your strength and love to stay to save your marriage but also to save a man who sacrificed so much to do the right thing.
Next find yourself a good trauma therapist who understands ptsd in the military and first responders ( you wouldn't go to a proctologist when you need dental surgery even though their titles all start with Dr
So what now??? Go fix your husband right? NO!!!
Your role is to stay strong and be his rock this takes skill strength and insight something YOUR therapist will help you with
Many people who suffer ptsd engage in emotionally and physically dangerous behaviour, drugs alcoholism promiscuity
Finally the lack of emotion and numbness
Is very common
Your husband is not mentally ill
He has a brain injury. If he came home after being shot by the enemy or stepped on an IED while saving a child would he not have come home a hero? It will take time and regular therapy with some who's specialty is military trauma
I have almost 40 years of experience as a first responder and it took almost 35 year to recognize I had an injury and another 3 years to fight through the stigma that I was not mentally ill but I in fact had a bonified work related brain injury.
Learn as much as you can about ptsd and it's side affects you alone cannot fix him but you can re assure him he is never alone on his journey
God bless and stay strong

 

[Abigail7]

I hesitate to tell you to keep fighting and never give up as it's possible that you'll be sacrificing your own health and happiness if he never gets to the point of wanting to heal. The truth is that he won't get better unless he has the desire and drive to get better. Yeah, it sucks that PTSD happens, but we as sufferers have no right to take everyone down with the ship. We may be sick due to no fault of our own, but we still have a responsibility to attend to our own healing and not treat those around us poorly. Fight like heck and do everything you can to help him now, but realize that there is a point where you should walk away in order to save yourself, if he refuses to engage in his own recovery.

 

[PaigeDR]

Oh gosh- I am basically going through same thing. Not military, but childhood trauma that I thought was worked out many years ago. it was 2 years of hell the first time around. Then finally things were great and we were rock solid. He was moody, but nothing bad. Well, a HUGE trigger sent him right back to the depths of the darkness. The man that is (was?) my whole work looks at me like he hates me and is disgusted by me. He stays away as much as he can. Sleeps in the truck in the driveway. God, I don't know that I can do this again. He has every PTSD symptom, but won't seek help. Just avoids avoids avoids.

I can say what I did wrong the first time that I am trying really hard to not do again....

1. I got clingy. When the man you adore and love unconditionally suddenly hates you, it's hard to not grab hold of any little sign of okayness. I am no where near accepting that I might lose him, but I have to get my house in order. I have to be independent. Groveling at his feet isn't attractive to him and makes me look and feel like a psycho.
2. Don't be a psycho. Not as easy as it sounds when your world falls apart!!
3. Don't take it personally. I know this is important, but I sure haven't figured out how to do it yet. But everything from the cheating to the acting like an ass in front of people- it all hurts. You need a wall- he isn't himself right now. He isn't the same man that you fell in love with. It's like a demon took over. Don't blame yourself or the man inside for what the demon does.
4. Protect yourself financially. Hard to not be bitter when he devastates you on that level too. Also hard to leave if he gets dangerous.
5. Don't neglect your kids. Don't know if original poster has any, but I do and it takes its toll on them too. Mym basically raised my kids for two years the first time we went through this.
6. Never think you are out of the woods. I keep thinking this current flare up is just going to be a few weeks and I know better.
7. Have a suicide prevention plan. Seeing my husband with a gun to his own head made me realize how serious it was. By that time he had me so numb I didn't care.
8. Don't neglect yourself. Totally guilty here. Trying to figure out what this means as I feel like I now have PTSD too- numb, can't sleep, nightmares, irrational behavior. It sure isn't good for him or me if I get possessed by this thing too.

 

[A soldiers wife]

Thank you everyone for the support and in sharing your wisdom. It's a long, hard road ahead of me. I have to take it one day at a time. I have wrote a note to myself, one I will read every morning before I start my day....


Remember this,

He is your husband, the man you fell in love with and the man you gave your heart to. He is still in there and he needs you now more than ever.
There will be good days and there will be bad days. There will be days that challenge you more than you can imagine. There will be days when you just want to scream and cry.
Remember the good days, the laughter, enjoying his company and cherish every moment of them.
Learn from the bad days, be understanding and forgiving of him and yourself.
Remember you are both human and thus will make mistakes along the way. Get back up and try again.
This amazing husband of yours has fought for you, fought for his country and sacrificed much. You may not be able to understand what he has gone through or what he is currently going through. It's your turn to fight for him, to give him all the love and support you can.
He has always been your strength, your rock. Now it's time to be his strength, his rock!
Remember to take a deep breath when shit gets crazy or when your emotions feel like they are going to explode.

Stay strong, you are strong!

He may push you away; he may make you cry, but hang in there. This is the man you love and the man you would give your life for.
If the roles were reversed you know damn well he would be there for you, no matter what. He would be there loving you, supporting you, giving you the strength and courage you need. He would hold your hand and never let go.

Don't pressure him to talk, to open up. Just be there for him, ready to listen, when he does. And remember JUST LISTEN!
Don't constantly remind him he has PTSD. This is hard for him too, even if he is numb to his emotions.
Don't cling to him; let him have his space when he needs it. You have never been that kind of person, you are a strong woman and better than this.
Don't take everything so personally. I know this is the hardest thing to do, especially when he does/says something that makes you feel rejected and unwanted. Do your best!
Don't be afraid to cry. If you bottle the tears up then they will come pouring out at the worst possible moment... you know this from experience.

YOU are beautiful! He may not say this very often and not like he used to, but you are beautiful!
YOU are kind! Some of the thoughts you have in your head right now may make you feel like you are a horrible person just for thinking them, but you aren't. This is hard on you too!
YOU are loving! Don't ever change that!
YOU are forgiving! Something you have always admired about yourself. Hate weighs too heavy on the soul.
YOU are funny! You like to see people smiling and laughing. You like to smile and laugh with them. Laughter is the best medicine!

Be the person you are, the person he fell in love with. Be the optimistic, loving, understanding, weird and sarcastic person he remembers you as!!!

"If today turns out to be a bad day, a day that brings you to your knees, just remember tomorrow will bring a new day."
-A Soldiers Wife-