Parents Treating Me Like I'm Well

[Kintsugi]

So sorry that you live in invalidationville. OMG it sucks there.

Most beat town ever. Feels like there's only a liquor store to go to. Everything else is a movie theater reading: "Now You See Me--Just Kidding!"

It's good you recognize this. You mentioned an aunt. What would be the barriers to you going there? Anything? If not, I strongly recommend you consider it. [/quote]
3500 miles. :(

Just doesn't sound healthy all up in there.

You said it, sister. And it's like being with a family living on donuts, and you say, "Don't you at least want to try vegetables sometimes?" And they can't answer you because they crammed another donut in their mouth.

 

[The Albatross]

You did get the concessions, though there was difficulty and it took a half hour. You (like I) didn't like the blame avoidance stuff she used afterward. I focus on the concession these days and ignore the rest from my own mother. Too much difference of opinion or time in conversation dissolves into a tug of war.

The concession was given, I leave it at that. It is too much, in my family, to expect that all aspects or opinions of mine will be agreed with. I decided I can live with it. Most of my interactions with my mother are a half hour or less. We are both better off that way unless we are together engaged in an activity of some sort.

 

[EverOnly358]

But it's not helpful when you just want a hug or some sympathy.

I'm still catching up, but MAS, I am so sorry! Here's a {{{Hug}}} and I have lots and lots of sympathy for you. Jez... your parents kinda sound like a nightmare.

No advice, no list of things to do... just lots and lots of understanding. Hang in there!!!

D

 

[Kintsugi]

We have a breakthrough!

My mother came to me tonight and told me, in effect, this:

I agree that I have a problem with becoming defensive
I have noticed this pattern elsewhere in my life
I realize that I don't recognize it when I am speaking to you
I do not like this pattern of speaking; it makes me feel bad
I want to work on this to change this pattern

I was so impressed, really. I kinda tried to hide my pleasure at this. I didn't want to scare the thoughts away by appearing smug.

The paranoid part of my mind tells me she only said this because she was so happy at how I handled dinner at their friends' place. But the paranoid part of my mind is wrong, because my mother would have NEVER made such major concessions like this just for that.

I was truly taken aback. Never thought she would make a series of statements like that. Best I woulda hoped for is "I realize I have these behaviors, but I'm too old to change my ways" (she--and my sister on behalf of my parents--always uses this as an excuse for treating people inappropriately and I hate it because I've seen people fifteen years older than she make major changes, and we have many members here trying to change for the better who are her peers).

!
*does a jig*

 

[bell]

So happy for you that it's going better! Yay!

Breakthroughs can truly mean so much, I hope this one makes the decision to go back home worth it! :)

 

[The Albatross]

There may be blips and skitters... because old behavioral patterns are sticky and hard to break. But very glad to read you had some genuine dialogue with your mother.

I, wrongfully, thought that my own mother's admission would continue to be more expansive after she told me some similar things. But was able to get along better knowing that at least a few times (initially and a couple times over the subsequent years) she did acknowledge it.

Very happy for you MAS!

 

[presentjoy]

Maybe she bit into her donut and realised there indeed WAS jelly inside.

In seriousness, it is a pretty big thing that she said those things. Like The Albatross said, old behavioural patterns are sticky. Like jelly donuts. (Thanks MAS you made me want donuts)

Wonder if you could tell her you appreciated what she shared, and ask her to make up a code word with you (based on what she said that she doesn't recognise the pattern when she is talking to you) so if you notice it, you can use the code word? Maybe that's silly and random. But I like random code words for difficult topics because they take some of the directness out of the thing, and they can be funny.

Anyway. Great stuff.