Partners also with trauma

[QuirkyLady22]

Is anyone else dating or in a relationship with someone with trauma too? How do you make it work? I feel like my partner and I are just in some kind of trigger cycle that won’t break. I’m exhausted. I’m in therapy and so is he. Both in our 40’s. What’s your story?

 

[Friday]

How do you make it work?

The exact same way I make it work with someone who eats food; by knowing (or coming to learn) my own limits & expectations. IE what I’m willing to tolerate or not tolerate, what I’m willing to negotiate or not negotiate, what I love-like-DGAF-dislike-despise, & what I’m willing to do about any of that, and how important it is to me (both on its own, and in relation to rest of it).

Spoiler: Meaning…

Meaning there is no way in hell I even attempt to make it work with some people whose diet/manners (or the way they handle whatever disorders/conditions they may have) are absolutely unf*ckingacceptable, negotiate to see if there’s common ground with others, am variably in awe at their prowess to openly amused at how badly they suck with some, vexed or nonplussed, list goes on.

Nearly all of the people I have, or have had, relationships with have trauma histories up to their eyeballs; and most of them share my brand of crazy, so it’s essentially as much of a non-issue as dating someone who eats food. Or wears clothes. Or is spends money (working, inheritance, mine, whatever). Or goes from point A to point B. HOW someone does those things? Comes down to a combo of personality & personal choice. That’s what matters to me. Where their personality and choices and my personality and choices intersect & interact. Because 10 people with nightmares? Will react to those nightmares in 10 different ways. 10 angry people? Will be angry in 10 different ways. 10 triggered people? 10 dysregulafed people? 10 people in pain? Pick a symptom, any symptom, and stick 10 people with those symptoms in a line and they all do them their own way.

So there’s no real question/excuse in play. It’s just them. Being them. Or me being me. And we get on, or we don’t, to varying degrees.

Just like with every other facet of a relationship/partnership, there’s nothing special about trauma, PTSD, or eating food, in my book.

 

[user27357]

patience. realizing that being right leads to little more than being right and that being patient leaves the door open for everything else, the good stuff. It is easier to just get it done than it is to spend an hour on why my partner doesn't care enough to saddle up and pull the load together. And I find shelter, in the form of an alternative activity to working on the hammering out of a relationship all of the time. Anything. Books, swapping out engines, threading a needle, cutting and splitting firewood. Typing at myptsd.

We are all in imperfect relationships, thats the basis for top forty radio. Sometimes the only way to win the tug of war is to just let the rope fall, or better yet just leave it alone.

You have to decide if the relationship is worth it, imperfect as it is. If it is liveable then get on with life and accept that there are battles that just plain don't have a winner. And then, the big trick, remember that decision every time it comes into question. If you decide it isn't worth it, thats the game. If you decide it is worth it, get it tattooed on the inside of your eyelids because it is all too easy to forget and start trying to hammer it out again, see paragraph two.

 

[QuirkyLady22]

The exact same way I make it work with someone who eats food; by knowing (or coming to learn) my own limits & expectations. IE what I’m willing to tolerate or not tolerate, what I’m willing to negotiate or not negotiate, what I love-like-DGAF-dislike-despise, & what I’m willing to do about any of that, and how important it is to me (both on its own, and in relation to rest of it).

Spoiler: Meaning…

Meaning there is no way in hell I even attempt to make it work with some people whose diet/manners (or the way they handle whatever disorders/conditions they may have) are absolutely unf*ckingacceptable, negotiate to see if there’s common ground with others, am variably in awe at their prowess to openly amused at how badly they suck with some, vexed or nonplussed, list goes on.

Nearly all of the people I have, or have had, relationships with have trauma histories up to their eyeballs; and most of them share my brand of crazy, so it’s essentially as much of a non-issue as dating someone who eats food. Or wears clothes. Or is spends money (working, inheritance, mine, whatever). Or goes from point A to point B. HOW someone does those things? Comes down to a combo of personality & personal choice. That’s what matters to me. Where their personality and choices and my personality and choices intersect & interact. Because 10 people with nightmares? Will react to those nightmares in 10 different ways. 10 angry people? Will be angry in 10 different ways. 10 triggered people? 10 dysregulafed people? 10 people in pain? Pick a symptom, any symptom, and stick 10 people with those symptoms in a line and they all do them their own way.

So there’s no real question/excuse in play. It’s just them. Being them. Or me being me. And we get on, or we don’t, to varying degrees.

Just like with every other facet of a relationship/partnership, there’s nothing special about trauma, PTSD, or eating food, in my book.

I see what your point is. Thanks for sharing!

patience. realizing that being right leads to little more than being right and that being patient leaves the door open for everything else, the good stuff. It is easier to just get it done than it is to spend an hour on why my partner doesn't care enough to saddle up and pull the load together. And I find shelter, in the form of an alternative activity to working on the hammering out of a relationship all of the time. Anything. Books, swapping out engines, threading a needle, cutting and splitting firewood. Typing at myptsd.

We are all in imperfect relationships, thats the basis for top forty radio. Sometimes the only way to win the tug of war is to just let the rope fall, or better yet just leave it alone.

You have to decide if the relationship is worth it, imperfect as it is. If it is liveable then get on with life and accept that there are battles that just plain don't have a winner. And then, the big trick, remember that decision every time it comes into question. If you decide it isn't worth it, thats the game. If you decide it is worth it, get it tattooed on the inside of your eyelids because it is all too easy to forget and start trying to hammer it out again, see paragraph two.

Thanks for the reply. I’m trying to reach this point. I’m learning to step away and self soothe when I have my abandonment triggers. Sometimes it takes awhile. I have someone willing to be there when I’m ready. I’ve never had that so it’s scary. My system doesn’t know what to do with it.

Recently I have looked at him and had such strong empathy for him and both our respective childhood traumas. I know even if it doesn’t last (very new) that this work we are doing is worth it.

 

[user27357]

Recently I have looked at him and had such strong empathy for him and both our respective childhood traumas. I know even if it doesn’t last (very new) that this work we are doing is worth it.

Thats a whole nuther angle right there. We heal at different rates and in different orders. I have to fight back the urge to say "wow, you are just now getting that?" when she tells me about something that happened with her T, and i suppose she has learned to keep things like that to herself. As have I. She is heads taller than me on some stuff, struggling with some stuff that is basic PTSD 101, stuff that I got coming in the front door of this diagnosis. Lots of room on THIS bus.

Big trick #2 is healing together, apart.