Performance Evaluation Results - Horrified and Confused

[PerfectEmpire]

Please help me understand this. I am scared because apparently the whole staff has issues with me and I had NO clue.

My director pointed out the following:

"*** was appalled that you laid your head down on the table in the middle of a manager’s meeting. I feel sure you must have had a good reason for this because I can’t imagine you behaving in such an unprofessional and immature way without justification. Regardless of why, *** was embarrassed in front of her employees and shocked at your lack of excuse for your behavior."

I don't remember doing that at all. I'm so confused. I remember sitting up and being alert the whole time. This scares me...that I don't remember my own behavior.

"It seems you made it verbally clear to the staff early on that you have no interest in this area of practice and the staff got the message that you are dissatisfied with your placement here."

I never said anything negative about my placement. I've actually loved my placement from the very start. Again...I'm really confused. I'm so confused about this I'm scared. Am I being possessed while at work or something??? I'm pretty sure that I remember everything that I ever make "verbally clear" and that is not something I feel let alone would make verbally clear.

"I have observed that when you DO let your guard down and communicate openly, you come across as bright, friendly, and engaging to converse with. So I encourage you to take advantage of opportunities to initiate conversation with your coworkers and permit them to see what a pleasant and interesting person you truly are."

How can I do this when working when there is so much work to be done and the staff is...well...um...let's just say I might as well be a space alien to them. We're of totally different worlds and viewpoints. I simply don't fit in. And in my experience, the better people get to know me the more freaked out they get. Just being a vegetarian and going to synagogue instead of church has been enough to provoke screaming from people I've worked with. Just stating it and nothing else. I just learned to keep a closed door on who I am until I see that somebody shares a viewpoint of mine...then and only then will I open up.

Thank God this review was sent to me via email and not given in person. Ugh! But I have to sit down with my direct supervisor and go over this stuff this week. How do I do that? How do I respond to these things?

I had no idea...no idea I was coming across this way. I'm so confused. Am I dissociating the entire time I'm there? I don't have DID. But what is going on here??? Do I not have control over my own body? Is my memory false?

I'm scared.

What is the best way to respond to this/deal with it? Especially when I go back in on Monday. I'm angry and hurt and embarrassed and confused...and so much more. Am I overreacting? Is this as bad as I am making it out to be? I've never worked in an office environment before and I'm totally confused. There are all of these invisible laws and I'm not finding out about them until it's too late. I don't think I like this environment. Fortunately this is a temporary placement.

My director said one really helpful thing:

"I understand that you may be new to the office work environment and may not understand the fragility of egos people have about their life’s work. I hope you are not offended by my reminder to be cognizant of the fact that a person projects an air of negativity whenever he or she fails to express personal interest in co-workers’ jobs, families, or just in how their day is going."

I don't know how to be comfortable enough with myself to act all happy and interested in people. I'm kind of trapped in my own little world. What can I do? Has anybody found themselves in this situation? What kind of things help?

Thanks!

 

[Pixie]

Hi Perfect Empire

Wow... that is an awful thing to be told via email in a review! This should have been done in person IMHO but I am a little comforted by the positive things said.

I do not work at the moment and I had similar issues though my boss knew the specifics of my condition and my co-workers had been working with me for so long to have seen the obvious and dramatic change in me to not be offended at my behavior. Having said that, I too was told of things that I did and didn't do at work that I had no memory of (though I've recently been diagnosed as DID). All I can say is that my work place was a place where I was constantly being triggered in almost every situation and spent the best part of 4 years in a haze of dissociation and depersonalization.

I also found it difficult to express interest in others around me. The usual "how are you?" greeting seemed way too false for me as I wasn't interested and my response to their inevitable "good, how are you?" was a lie.

I don't know the answer honey and others may disagree with me, but I would tell your Director about your PTSD and give them a chance to understand your condition. If they don't know, they can't make allowances for you. It is a risk, I know that... and I was lucky to be in a place that understood and modified my duties to accommodate. BUT it is a risk that should be weighed very carefully...

Rell

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Pixie,

Thanks for responding! Yeah...I def. can't tell about the PTSD. This is not a permanent situation though. I know I can survive.

When people ask me how I am I don't really want to answer at all - I don't feel like putting on a happy face when I'm not happy, and when I am happy I don't want to show it for fear of being beaten down. So I generally like to keep to myself unless I find other people who are on my wave length.

I think a big reason the staff have felt like I don't like them is because when they greet me "how are you?" I say "good!" and then quickly walk away so that I can stay on task and not have to deal with the awkwardness of shallow conversation. I guess I just need to deal with it. Ugh. I'm afraid I'll turn into one of those happy office people. I realize now that I am probably hurting their feelings and making them feel rejected.

Several years ago I worked with an executive coach and got an extensive personality analysis. Apparently I am extremely task oriented and totally not people oriented. This makes me come off as uninterested in my coworkers. My extroversion is manifested in my constant and rapid initiation and completion of tasks and thought processes rather than in connecting with other humans. In other words: I am not a people person, I'm an abstract doer. I need to find a place of work that suits these traits.

Considering the conditions I was raised in, it is no wonder I am task oriented rather than people oriented. And it is no wonder I constantly avoid in person interaction with others and come off as closed and cold despite my warm and emotional nature.

Anybody have any tips for summoning the courage to initiate friendly interaction with others (in person)? When I find that I am supposed to talk to somebody on my own, I feel really cold and like I can't stay inside my body. I mentally flee and then I find it incredibly difficult to express myself. I just feel really cold inside. I've tried affirmations but they don't seem to have any effect on me (Affirmations such as "your father is not here, nobody's going to yell at you" or "if they yell at you that's their own problem. You are going to be okay"). Maybe I'll try "These people aren't here to hurt you. They're here to work." For some reason I feel really freaked out right now. I'm going to go relax...:think:

 

[anni]

Hi P.E.,

Whew. It must have triggered an awful lot of the usual negative feelings 'we' tend to get about ourselves anyway- as you said, it's a reallyyyy good thing that lovely little blurb came via email!

I have to say that it sounds as if the director was actually conveying to you the 'real' state of affairs, and no doubt hoping like heck you'd read between the proverbial lines and intuit his own understanding of other's reactions. Of course I wasn't there, but would have to imagine that what you said is pretty much the case- you're an entirely different kind of fish from the general aquarium there. It's an unfortunate state of affairs but those office environments can be pretty much like any other social environment. Remember high school, or whatever the primary education equivilent is in your neck of the woods? If you put adults in some other 'clump', in another setting, the same superficial dynamics come into play all over again. I think it's very natural for you as a PTSD sufferer to internalize the general negativity as perhaps something you've been responsible for. I would have to guess you haven't and are just suffering the effects of some nasty group social hierchy nonsense.

That isn't at all helpful, I know. I hope it would be at least helpful to know that that no, you probably haven't done any of the things 'wrong' you've been 'accused' of. The director's email you included in your post plus your description of the others in the office does seem to paint a clear enough picture to be able to say this. I would have to imagine that the description of you laying your head on the desk in an unprofessional manner isn't even a matter of you not remembering you'd done that. It's more than likely an event where you looked down and had it maliciously interpreted. These wierd little environments really can be just that dreadful, and I don't think you should automatically assume you had done something blameworthy.

I don't think I can tell you how to handle the situation when you have to return other than to say to be true to yourself.
Be the same graceful, gracious person you sound as if you are, neither accepting nor assigning blame. You can't do anything about 'their' ridiculous mindset, but you can not allow it to crush you or change the way you behave. There really is an awful lot to be said for passive resistance, if it's done out of neccesity ( because you need your job) and with dignity.

I'm sorry you've had such a hurtful time at work. It's terrible enough to have these sorts of situations to deal with without the added dimension of dealing with it with PTSD. I would have to also guess that at some point things will slowly change as 'they' realize you might might have different spots than they do, but are really a very nice person.

Sorry to be so wordy. Your post was just rather familiar. I won't bore you with the details, but it was. :)

Take care, and good luck this week.

Anni

 

[gdf]

Hi PerfectEmpire,

First of all, ouch. I hate having surprises like this from the boss. I would prefer your bosses email approach as well as at least it gives you time to think before meeting face to face. Over the past year and a half I functioned only average on my good days at work and elected to tell my boss about my PTSD when I went back into therapy on a regular basis because I needed to have FMLA to cover my sick time (employer's policy that you have to use FMLA with sick time lest it go into disability status). Going missing on sick leave every week for months would trigger an inquiry eventually. When the psychologist decided I needed drug support and got it in his head to try new things I hadn't tried before I took a cue from our discipline policy and asked the "family" doctor I got hooked up with (finally) and had her write a letter documenting that I was taking medication that could affect my work performance. My reward for that honesty was a call from the HR director wanting to know if I needed anything. I asked her what she meant and she said, "oh, if you need anything to keep safe while you are at work?" When I pressed further she didn't want to elaborate but I think she was fishing to see if I was harmful to self or others.

I didn't elaborate anything beyond my PTSD, no details, with my boss and only recently have I even mentioned anything to one other colleague about having PTSD. A major stride for me in processing my trauma. The less said at work the better I think but I figured I needed enough to document why things were so wierd with me. I got a lot of comments in that time period:

You don't seem happy lately.
What's wrong; you're not yourself these days?
Are you in pain?
You're quiet.
You're sad these days.
Don't you feel well?

I've always found that when people ask how you are that vagueness without outright lying helps. I would say "Hangin' in there" or "I'm holding my own--and you." When the boss would ask me about wierd things I would sincerely say "Thanks for pointing that out; how would you like me to address/fix that?" Or "I think I can work that into my routine/way of doing things." With these replies I could demonstrate that I was willing to take criticism and act on suggestions. I never said how fast I could change my behavior...

One day at work my secretary asked me if everything was ok and said no it's not and I burst into tears. I told her I would be fine and shut my door and called my boss to tell her I was going home for the rest of the day. People notice these things about you but to us they become "normal" when we live with our symptoms on a daily basis. I questioned my emotions on a daily basis through most of 2008 and part of 2009. I would space out at work and get "day dreamy" which was probably dissociating. On one medication I became so crabby and irritable I told the T that if I didn't wind up killing myself my co-workers were going to take care of it for me. So, we are definitely affected by these things and I gambled and disclosed but as minimally as possible. If I had to do it again, I think I would because I need to work there at least three more years.

Trust your gut. It's usually right... Best of luck as you move forward.

Gina

 

[Lucky Laser]

PerfectEmpire,

Some of those comments seem like the usual negative things people can get on a review, but I thought the first one, about you being unprofessional, was a rather unprofessional comment itself. I don't like surprises either, and that is one that would really upset me! I applaud you for sharing this, because I'm sure it was difficult.

There is one thing I've began to understand this year in regards to this. I've been evaluated by different people every month for the past several years. I've noticed that while I am the same person everywhere I go, I get vastly different evaluations. I'll work with someone who has a similar personality to me and they'll give me a glowing review. The next person may not understand my demeanor as well and say that I seem disinterested in them because I didn't ask about how their dog was doing. Perhaps your director is one of those people who just doesn't get the fact that other people see the world differently and that is not necessarily a negative thing. Some of us may not initiate a lot of conversation, but are really great people!

One of the worst though, that I can thankfully laugh about now, is this: One time I came in to work about an hour early because I couldn't sleep, and finished up a bunch of things. One of my co-workers didn't see me because I was already hard at work, and when he finally did, thought I had just gotten there. He didn't mention this to me of course. He just put on my evaluation that I was terribly late one day and that I clearly have no respect for time management. The kicker... I couldn't explain it to anyone because the higher ups involved were gone and it just didn't seem worthwhile to fight it several months later.

If it hasn't been too long, may I ask how you finally responded to this?

 

[PerfectEmpire]

If it hasn't been too long, may I ask how you finally responded to this?

Thanks for your reply! I just took the criticism and moved on. I didn't have to work at that place much longer before moving onto other assignments so it was bearable. But I had other problems at the next place too. Now I just work from home. But I still have to work on site at various places on certain days. Nobody in my professional realm ever seems to like working with me. I feel better when I'm on my own because it's less stressful for me. So now I'm just trying to figure out ways to work alone.