Permanent Dissociation?

[Matthias]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and just wanted to start with a simple question.

I've had complex-PTSD that has been untreated and that started when I was 13 years old. It was only until now (that I'm almost 30) that I've begun to see it for what it really is and not just a mood disorder like I thought. Originally I would only dissociate or depersonalize after flashbacks or episodes of extreme stress or sadness. But, over the years the episodes would get longer and longer and many of the medications I would be put on would make them significantly worse. Mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics being the biggest triggers.

But for the last 2 years I have begun an episode (if it can really be called that anymore) of dissociation and dereleazation that has not gone away even for a moment. The best way I can describe it as this: Every morning I wake up to a world that still doesn't seem any more real than I do. I feel at all times that I am dreaming, or more specifically that I am half-awake and incapable of pulling myself into reality. I feel frozen and trapped in the smallest pocket of of time. I feel like everything that has let me identify myself as an individual has slipped away and I'm nothing but an empty vessel pretending to be someone it's not.

It's terrifying and now I try to push thoughts away about my current dissociated state as much as I try to push thoughts away of my original trauma. So my questions is: does anyone else have it this bad? Could such prolonged dereleaziation be from PTSD alone? And most importantly, has anyone dealt with this level of dissociation and recovered from it?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Hi Matthias,

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for all you are going through. Yes, PTSD can account for all the symptoms you have mentioned.

I'm in my mid-40's and what you are describing is what I was experiencing 3 years ago when I was first diagnosed. I have had lifelong PTSD as well. I had it that bad for a very long time but therapy has helped me come back into the present and now I do whole days without noticeable symptoms.

I had to adopt several reassuring, comforting skills to help me feel safe in my current life. Start identifying some things in your current life which help you feel connected in a calm, reassuring way.

Mostly, speak kindly with yourself. It gets better, often much sooner than we realize.

 

[The Albatross]

I had cranio-sacral sessions at one point early on. Before a session the gal asked me where I was. I put my hand up about two inches in front of my eyes. She asked me if I felt comfortable sharing my experiences and asked if I had had trauma. I had and gave her the highlights briefly. We focused for about 15-20 sessions what can loosely be described as "putting myself back into my body" with a lot of reassurance and patience on her part. Literally I had been taught, she said to believe that my body was not a safe place. I could understand that. The traumas were long past and over the course of the sessions I learned how easily I bailed out when talking about my traumas... but I also learned how to "put myself back in", back into my body behind my eyes.

My eyes, which did not track before the sessions, began tracking. I began to be able to make and maintain eye contact with other people instead of looking indirectly at them like over their shoulder. Often people I would be speaking to or with would look behind themselves to see (then) what I was looking at. I had been taught that eye contact was a "challenge", and that challenges would end badly for me.

It was the beginning of understanding the body memories of what my experiences have been. I have been chipping away at them now and improving at a though slow, steady pace for about 9 years.

Granted this sounds whack, and is not the typical experience or response you may expect to receive. But it was my direct personal experience. I hope it helps you.

 

[Notsowild]

@Matthias

I am half-awake and incapable of pulling myself into reality. I feel frozen and trapped in the smallest pocket of of time. I feel like everything that has let me identify myself as an individual has slipped away and I'm nothing but an empty vessel pretending to be someone it's not.

Boy do I understand this. I have been like this for so many years it almost seems normal to me( or my normal) I work, I have a family. Everyone thinks of me as a little strange but no one understands PTSD.

I am starting CBT this week with a psychologist and seeing a psychiatrist in March. I hope something works because I can't go on this way

So it sounds like we're going through the same journey. Want to do this together? I'll update you on any progress and you can message me if you'd like.

 

[Stagetrapdoor]

Thank you for posting this.

I have never been able to be present long enough for a photograph. My eyes are glazed over and my nickname was always Space Angel.

I am new here and feel like I just met a world of people who are from my planet. I haven't recovered from it but have only recently stopped interacting with my abusers and gone back into therapy. When the PTSD got worse, I began to dissociate so much more and was aware of it. There are times when I am not aware that I left the building.

Playing instruments was a way to escape interaction with people and my way to escape into something people thought was an acceptable behavior. It is terrifying to be gone so much . I can so relate to your concern about this.
My therapist reassures me it is part of the process and will improve.

My husband suggests that my approach to unexpected company is that they might be trying to steal our moonshine and I need to grab a weapon. I am just beginning to work on these issues.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@Matthias I relate. I haven't recovered from it completely, but it has gotten a lot better. I notice it mostly when the PTSD symptoms are at their peak. The only thing I have been able to do is push the thoughts away.

Are you seeing a counselor?

 

[franciemarnie]

I was like that a lot of years and thought that was just who I was. When I slowly got off anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, the feelings poured our of me like nobody's business. Who knew? I don't know if that might be partly the case here for you or not.

Welcome!

 

[katiekat]

I can relate but it was much worse when I was on antidepressants, for a total of 7 years. During that time I did a lot of crazy, adrenaline seeking things to just feel alive, to feel anything at all. Ski racing, snowboarding, drinking, pot, surfing, partying, etc. Now that I am off the antidepressants and only smoke on a rare moment of overwhelming stress, I can tell I am coming out of the fog.

I did something impulsive last night, out of nowhere I had the idea to transplant a few house plants and make some new starts from my jade plant. It felt so incredibly good to do this simple yet rewarding task. I practiced mindfulness as focused my thoughts on what I was doing and how I was facilitating positive growth. I thought about the people I would gift these new jade starts to (it's something I have done for a long time, and jades bring good luck).

It made me feel good, and it made me look forward to the spring and teaching my toddler about growing plants from seeds. Maybe you have something like this you can try. I will say that mindfulness meditation seems to be working tremendously for me in getting out of the fog. Big hugs to you and I hope you can find something like I did to connect you back to yourself. :)