W
winglish
Hi,
I don't really know what I'm expecting from this but I feel like I want to write this out and see if anyone else gets what I'm going through.
So to start off I'm 22 and struggling with dissociative disorder ( not diagnosed, will be working on this with a theropist tomorrow but I'm certain that's what it is). Last night the world closed in on me. I had a panic attack going to subway and walking home that night felt like I was in a horror movie. I read jumping at any sound. That's where I am right now.
What lead up to this was bullying throughout my school years, an alcoholic mother who was emotionally abusive and could never admit she hurt me, a violent step father who couldn't handle me (I was a very anti authority, autistic, and very depressed teenager, his solution on a few occasions was strangling me). My mother out right denies this ever happened. That's where it started.
The bit on confused about is my coping methods. I recently developed a delusion that I was going to change the world with my theories and ideas. I would obsessivly think of new ideas about mathematics and physics and politics. I was told by my friends that they are very interesting, some even thought they were great. The better an idea got the more I believed that I was destined to change the world and I started panicking. I went off the rails and wrote a paper which I sent to my uni professor. I think it scared here because of how obsessive it was. She suggested I get some help. That crushed me. As this was happening I had started looking into philosophy. I obsessivly read into this, I couldn't stop even when I thought my head would explode. So I started looking into meditation to calm me, but on one class the teacher did a meditation about who owns the body. After that I realised I don't own my body nor my mind and "Saw" through the concept of the self. I f*cking freaked out.
Then things got weird. For a couple days I had no fixed sense of self. Later the world would open up into intense beauty. I could actually see things clearly. Everything looked amazing. I felt great for a while but then I went mad about it. I obsessed about getting back there, eating up Buddhist philosophy, thinking extremely hard about all of it. It was suggested I get diagnosed with psychosis. Just before I was going to get diagnosed I went on a meditation retreat. During a meditation I realised how little love my mum had ever shown me. I cried hard. But after that it was like I woke up. I could see people. They actually looked like people. I thought to myself "how long have I been under?" Eventually this faded back to the old easy of seeing things. People looked like cardboard cut outs again. More obsessing followed with paranoia, and I feeling that I now know I can't see people. The dissociation got worse and now I'm terrified to talk to people, and people all look like blobs. My life has not meaning and I'm in agony all the time.
I don't think any of that made any sense and it's such a strange situation. I don't feel like a real person anyone. What can I do?
I don't really know what I'm expecting from this but I feel like I want to write this out and see if anyone else gets what I'm going through.
So to start off I'm 22 and struggling with dissociative disorder ( not diagnosed, will be working on this with a theropist tomorrow but I'm certain that's what it is). Last night the world closed in on me. I had a panic attack going to subway and walking home that night felt like I was in a horror movie. I read jumping at any sound. That's where I am right now.
What lead up to this was bullying throughout my school years, an alcoholic mother who was emotionally abusive and could never admit she hurt me, a violent step father who couldn't handle me (I was a very anti authority, autistic, and very depressed teenager, his solution on a few occasions was strangling me). My mother out right denies this ever happened. That's where it started.
The bit on confused about is my coping methods. I recently developed a delusion that I was going to change the world with my theories and ideas. I would obsessivly think of new ideas about mathematics and physics and politics. I was told by my friends that they are very interesting, some even thought they were great. The better an idea got the more I believed that I was destined to change the world and I started panicking. I went off the rails and wrote a paper which I sent to my uni professor. I think it scared here because of how obsessive it was. She suggested I get some help. That crushed me. As this was happening I had started looking into philosophy. I obsessivly read into this, I couldn't stop even when I thought my head would explode. So I started looking into meditation to calm me, but on one class the teacher did a meditation about who owns the body. After that I realised I don't own my body nor my mind and "Saw" through the concept of the self. I f*cking freaked out.
Then things got weird. For a couple days I had no fixed sense of self. Later the world would open up into intense beauty. I could actually see things clearly. Everything looked amazing. I felt great for a while but then I went mad about it. I obsessed about getting back there, eating up Buddhist philosophy, thinking extremely hard about all of it. It was suggested I get diagnosed with psychosis. Just before I was going to get diagnosed I went on a meditation retreat. During a meditation I realised how little love my mum had ever shown me. I cried hard. But after that it was like I woke up. I could see people. They actually looked like people. I thought to myself "how long have I been under?" Eventually this faded back to the old easy of seeing things. People looked like cardboard cut outs again. More obsessing followed with paranoia, and I feeling that I now know I can't see people. The dissociation got worse and now I'm terrified to talk to people, and people all look like blobs. My life has not meaning and I'm in agony all the time.
I don't think any of that made any sense and it's such a strange situation. I don't feel like a real person anyone. What can I do?
