Physical Sensation Of Being Raped After A Flash Memory

[Claireablast]

I remember having a flash image in a dream today and I think it might have happened. I was sexually abused by my cousin. my abusers brother was in blue swim shorts, the shorts are pulled down and all I can see is a thick mass of pubic hair. I've felt so sick since I remembered this dream this morning that I haven't been able it eat. It's now 10.15 pm. It accrued to me that its strange I don't like pubic hair, it popped into my head just now that there could be a link.

It's 11.20 pm I can't stop shaking, I've had my emergency beer and loads of fags and just about kept it down. About half an hour ago It felt like something was being pushed down my throat I kept reaching and then I think I passed out. Please don't let it be his brother. It sounds strange but when the sensation in my throat calmed down it felt like someone was raping me. I want to stop this, I need to forget I ever started trying to remember. Feeling nothing and being a half person sounds expectable if this is the only other option. I can't live like this for the next 10 weeks waiting for CBT but if I shut it out no amount or counselling or cbt will fix me and I just... im at a complete loss as to where I should go from here, numb maybe it better, ok so I will be s!/" at relationships and I'm a s!/t friend forever and no doubt the drink will creep back in and drugs and sleeping around. I've had enough!!!!!! I just want to go to sleep and never wake up even hell would be better then this.

Has anyone else had this type of physical sensation?

 

[y5L]

Yes. I sometimes feel a lot of pain and like I'm being suffocated. It physically feels like the trauma is happening all over again. I don't have super clear memories of my trauma, either, but once memories started coming back, these physical sensations came with them. And at first I wished I had never opened myself up to remembering.

Good news, though- the more I've talked and worked through things, the less often these physical sensations occur for me. I've even become better able to face them when they do happen. Reconnecting with those memories opened a door to allow me to really dig that stuff out so it can be healed. It's still a work in progress, but progress is the key word here.

 

[bluebird]

I have also experienced this - my abuser forced me to open my mouth, while his hand was holding my neck really tight... These memories started to come back as physical sensation, I had no idea what was happening until the rest of the memory came back... I am sorry you had to go through this and also that it makes you feel such distress in this moment... Although this is really difficult, to me the only possible way to ease my mind was to let these memories come - of course, I made sure I had somebody to be with me, my friends who calmed me down... The more I tried to suppress these memories, the more they kept coming back...

I understand it is terrible (*hug*), but please, remember, that it was not your fault! Whatever somebody did to you, it is their shame, not yours... you are innocent and beautiful - no one can take this away from you... Take care of yourself :hug:

 

[Claireablast]

@y5L
I'm sorry your going through this too! Thank you for getting back to me and thank you for giving me hope things can get better. :)

 

[Claireablast]

@bluebird
Thank you so much for getting back to me. I just can't understand why any human being would want to do this to us but yes it is there shame and there fault, we did nothing wrong. I'm not going to push myself to remember anything until my therapy starts but I will try not to run away from anything that comes back on its own. Although I wouldn't wish this on anyone it's reassuring to hear I'm not the only one to have this sensation I thought I was cracking up for a while there.

 

[y5L]

I was getting really stressed today at work. Then I started getting anxious, too. Then the physical sensations started.

I tried reminding myself that it was just because I let myself get stressed, that I'm actually just here at work, that I'm relatively safe, that I can't control what my body is doing but I can stay focused on right here right now. I took my little rock out of my pocket and held onto that and kept working.

Then I let go of the stress. And the sensations melted away, and the anxiety lessened a bit. And I put my rock away but reminded myself it's right there in my pocket.