It is so simple of a game. A deck of cards offers endless games. I always enjoyed playing cards. Idk, I guess I am just having trouble right now, I have been dealing with so many triggers and flash backs. I have been hiding from the world for the past weeks and am just barely getting back out there. It is so strange how a memory can feel so current. I am not even thinking of the dark violent aspects of the situation. Instead my mind keeps taking me to that damn card game.
He was a friend, at least I thought so, I said no, I did, I know he felt bad. You see I was hanging out with girls who liked to party, and be promiscuous. I stood out, because I was not promiscuous, I like to read, and did not use drugs. I was chubby and not the most attractive girl. My smile, I always got compliments on my smile and my way of thinking. The guys just did not treat the same as the girls they were trying to get with that night. They treated me with a bit more respect. It made some girls angry.
After being invited to a party on my own, I went. I turned out to be a bit of a set up. @#$# invited me because he wanted sex and our friend invited me hoping I would get my friend to come. She didn't come and @#$# got what he wanted and left me there. They had taken drugs and did not tell me, even though they offered me earlier. I guess I did not understand how drug use worked.
Anyway it happened. But what I keep replaying is my friends taking me back to his house a week later. She new something happened and I did not want to go but she took me without telling me and coaxed me into the apartment. I remember so much so vividly. There facial expression of worry, angst, anticipation, reassurance.I remember walking into the room and seeing him, he looked up with a surprised yet knowing look. He look like he felt so bad. He gets up quick and is acting strangly. He moves quickly when makes any movement. You know I did not think about it till now but he might have been on drugs again, He liked doing coke. He acts of if it is such a blessing to see me and babies me in a way.
He keeps saying do you want to play cards we don't have to party. He was trying to be friends again. I must not have done very well at our rounds of cards because I did not speak a word and just stared at him so confused. We finished playing and I left.I never saw him again, I stopped getting invited to parties. And that was that.
It is wierd reliving those moments. Even the parts that are not as traumatic. Maybe my mind is still trying to make sense of the actions and behaviors I encountered. All I can do is remember what my love tells me, It is not my job to understand why people do the horrible things they do, in fact I would be more worried if you did understand.
He was a friend, at least I thought so, I said no, I did, I know he felt bad. You see I was hanging out with girls who liked to party, and be promiscuous. I stood out, because I was not promiscuous, I like to read, and did not use drugs. I was chubby and not the most attractive girl. My smile, I always got compliments on my smile and my way of thinking. The guys just did not treat the same as the girls they were trying to get with that night. They treated me with a bit more respect. It made some girls angry.
After being invited to a party on my own, I went. I turned out to be a bit of a set up. @#$# invited me because he wanted sex and our friend invited me hoping I would get my friend to come. She didn't come and @#$# got what he wanted and left me there. They had taken drugs and did not tell me, even though they offered me earlier. I guess I did not understand how drug use worked.
Anyway it happened. But what I keep replaying is my friends taking me back to his house a week later. She new something happened and I did not want to go but she took me without telling me and coaxed me into the apartment. I remember so much so vividly. There facial expression of worry, angst, anticipation, reassurance.I remember walking into the room and seeing him, he looked up with a surprised yet knowing look. He look like he felt so bad. He gets up quick and is acting strangly. He moves quickly when makes any movement. You know I did not think about it till now but he might have been on drugs again, He liked doing coke. He acts of if it is such a blessing to see me and babies me in a way.
He keeps saying do you want to play cards we don't have to party. He was trying to be friends again. I must not have done very well at our rounds of cards because I did not speak a word and just stared at him so confused. We finished playing and I left.I never saw him again, I stopped getting invited to parties. And that was that.
It is wierd reliving those moments. Even the parts that are not as traumatic. Maybe my mind is still trying to make sense of the actions and behaviors I encountered. All I can do is remember what my love tells me, It is not my job to understand why people do the horrible things they do, in fact I would be more worried if you did understand.
