I just found this site recently, and it has meant a lot to read through everyone's experiences, because it makes me feel for the first time in a long while that I am not alone.
A couple years ago I finally began dealing with suppressed trauma from my teenage years, was diagnosed with PTSD, and have been struggling to save my marriage ever since. This may be very, very long, so thank you to anyone who reads it all.
The first time I was sexually abused was when I was a small child. The molestation impacted me deeply and I was always prone to depression and anxiety. One of the only people I trusted in childhood was my best friend, who was also a victim of abuse. When we were 15, we were both brutally attacked by his stepfather. He took us down into the basement by knife point, and forced us to perform sexual acts on each other before he raped us both. We both were deeply traumatized, and internalized the trauma, only wanting to be with each other and shutting out the rest of the world. We were inseparable for months, and then he died in my arms when a car we were riding in (both in the backseat) was struck by a drunk driver.
I don’t want to get into my relationship with my parents right now, but I think their response after the accident will sum it up pretty well. I never told them about the what happened to my friend and I because they had already refused to believe about the molestation when I was a young child (which happened right under my mother’s nose- she was also molested as a child, by the way.) But despite being told at the hospital that I had been treated for shock my parents did not at that time decide to put me in therapy, and instead brought me home where I stayed in my room, practically catatonic, for two weeks. At that point my father told me to “snap out of it” and be thankful I was not the one dead. When they did finally put me in therapy, after cutting and suicide attempts, when the therapist tried to discuss my childhood sexual abuse with them (I never told the therapist about the event when I was 15, which I had already locked away at that point.) my parents said the therapist was putting crazy ideas in my head. I did, overall, have very bad luck/experiences with therapists and counselors and the like, which I have seen off and on for over a decade.
The final instance of sexual trauma occurred when I was seventeen, and I was raped by an older boy. I had been napping on the couch at a mutual friend's house (five of us had been watching a movie- I fell asleep on the couch and everyone else went up to bed, except this boy who came back down stairs when the rest were asleep) and he woke me up with a hand over my mouth.
In addition to the times I was actually raped, I often feel like I have spent my entire life with an invisible sign over my head, welcoming unwanted attention from men. It’s almost like they can sense how damaged I am, and that I would make an easy mark.
In my late teens I was self-destructive and a cutter, and functioned more in my internal, cerebral world than the outer “real world”. I am a writer, and in my late teens I also excelled as an actress, capable of great emotional intensity because I literally BECAME the character, thankful for the chance to be someone else. And I soon learned to translate that into the rest of my life, putting on multiple masks throughout my life.
I was always different sexually, with odd hang ups (I could not stand to see sex scenes or nudity in movies even, for instance) and while I managed to have sexual relationships with three different boyfriends including the man I would marry, I would often have odd crying spells hours later when I was alone, and the nightmares would intensify when I was sexually active. I tried my best to be “normal” sexually, and I think the problem is I managed to fool my husband as well as myself.
Two years ago, all the memories I had suppressed came back explosively, after I first saw a TV show with a young celebrity who looked almost exactly like the friend I was raped with, who had died in my arms. It was a horrible, horrible time, and I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and suffering from PTSD. Things were very rocky in my marriage, but my husband did the best he could to be supportive. I think he thought it was just a matter of weathering the storm, and I would go back to being sexual, etc.
I am better now, stronger, and I feel more in control of who I am, more honest and authentic, despite the obvious damage. But I have literally no sexual desire, and I hate even being touched affectionately by my husband. I don’t want physical intimacy of any kind, which he greatly resents. He tends to grab at me or grope me with no warning when (he says) he is half asleep, which has made me resent him and his touch even more. Simple affection often becomes sexual, and when we do have sex (maybe once or twice a month) it is very difficult for me and emotionally painful. And because he knows I’m not into it, he is not satisfied either.
We have two young children together and I do love him, even to the point where I have offered to let him have purely sexual affairs, if that’s what he needs to be happy and keep our family intact. But I also have a lot of anger, for some of the insensitive things he has said to me in regards to my PTSD, which he can never truly understand. The threat of divorce and the incredible tension between us is currently causing me to sink back into deeper depression than I have felt in two years, and I’m struggling with the desire to cut again as well. My job is also emotionally taxing (I’m a high school teacher in a low income area, and for many students who suffer from abuse in their own lives, I’m the teacher they confide in. I’ve always been extremely empathetic, and I worry a lot about other people.) I also struggle to be a good, “normal” mother to my two young boys, and at the end of the day I have very little energy to deal with my marital problems. I have seen countless therapists and been on numerous medications, but I have received very little positive benefits from either. Up until this latest crisis point, I was doing best when working through my trauma on my own. But I feel lost and broken right now, and I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.
A couple years ago I finally began dealing with suppressed trauma from my teenage years, was diagnosed with PTSD, and have been struggling to save my marriage ever since. This may be very, very long, so thank you to anyone who reads it all.
The first time I was sexually abused was when I was a small child. The molestation impacted me deeply and I was always prone to depression and anxiety. One of the only people I trusted in childhood was my best friend, who was also a victim of abuse. When we were 15, we were both brutally attacked by his stepfather. He took us down into the basement by knife point, and forced us to perform sexual acts on each other before he raped us both. We both were deeply traumatized, and internalized the trauma, only wanting to be with each other and shutting out the rest of the world. We were inseparable for months, and then he died in my arms when a car we were riding in (both in the backseat) was struck by a drunk driver.
I don’t want to get into my relationship with my parents right now, but I think their response after the accident will sum it up pretty well. I never told them about the what happened to my friend and I because they had already refused to believe about the molestation when I was a young child (which happened right under my mother’s nose- she was also molested as a child, by the way.) But despite being told at the hospital that I had been treated for shock my parents did not at that time decide to put me in therapy, and instead brought me home where I stayed in my room, practically catatonic, for two weeks. At that point my father told me to “snap out of it” and be thankful I was not the one dead. When they did finally put me in therapy, after cutting and suicide attempts, when the therapist tried to discuss my childhood sexual abuse with them (I never told the therapist about the event when I was 15, which I had already locked away at that point.) my parents said the therapist was putting crazy ideas in my head. I did, overall, have very bad luck/experiences with therapists and counselors and the like, which I have seen off and on for over a decade.
The final instance of sexual trauma occurred when I was seventeen, and I was raped by an older boy. I had been napping on the couch at a mutual friend's house (five of us had been watching a movie- I fell asleep on the couch and everyone else went up to bed, except this boy who came back down stairs when the rest were asleep) and he woke me up with a hand over my mouth.
In addition to the times I was actually raped, I often feel like I have spent my entire life with an invisible sign over my head, welcoming unwanted attention from men. It’s almost like they can sense how damaged I am, and that I would make an easy mark.
In my late teens I was self-destructive and a cutter, and functioned more in my internal, cerebral world than the outer “real world”. I am a writer, and in my late teens I also excelled as an actress, capable of great emotional intensity because I literally BECAME the character, thankful for the chance to be someone else. And I soon learned to translate that into the rest of my life, putting on multiple masks throughout my life.
I was always different sexually, with odd hang ups (I could not stand to see sex scenes or nudity in movies even, for instance) and while I managed to have sexual relationships with three different boyfriends including the man I would marry, I would often have odd crying spells hours later when I was alone, and the nightmares would intensify when I was sexually active. I tried my best to be “normal” sexually, and I think the problem is I managed to fool my husband as well as myself.
Two years ago, all the memories I had suppressed came back explosively, after I first saw a TV show with a young celebrity who looked almost exactly like the friend I was raped with, who had died in my arms. It was a horrible, horrible time, and I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and suffering from PTSD. Things were very rocky in my marriage, but my husband did the best he could to be supportive. I think he thought it was just a matter of weathering the storm, and I would go back to being sexual, etc.
I am better now, stronger, and I feel more in control of who I am, more honest and authentic, despite the obvious damage. But I have literally no sexual desire, and I hate even being touched affectionately by my husband. I don’t want physical intimacy of any kind, which he greatly resents. He tends to grab at me or grope me with no warning when (he says) he is half asleep, which has made me resent him and his touch even more. Simple affection often becomes sexual, and when we do have sex (maybe once or twice a month) it is very difficult for me and emotionally painful. And because he knows I’m not into it, he is not satisfied either.
We have two young children together and I do love him, even to the point where I have offered to let him have purely sexual affairs, if that’s what he needs to be happy and keep our family intact. But I also have a lot of anger, for some of the insensitive things he has said to me in regards to my PTSD, which he can never truly understand. The threat of divorce and the incredible tension between us is currently causing me to sink back into deeper depression than I have felt in two years, and I’m struggling with the desire to cut again as well. My job is also emotionally taxing (I’m a high school teacher in a low income area, and for many students who suffer from abuse in their own lives, I’m the teacher they confide in. I’ve always been extremely empathetic, and I worry a lot about other people.) I also struggle to be a good, “normal” mother to my two young boys, and at the end of the day I have very little energy to deal with my marital problems. I have seen countless therapists and been on numerous medications, but I have received very little positive benefits from either. Up until this latest crisis point, I was doing best when working through my trauma on my own. But I feel lost and broken right now, and I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.
