Just sharing my story to get some input and opinions. I understand no one can truly tell me whether I experienced such abuse as a child, and that some of these could be due to physical and emotional abuse I suffered as a child. I just was wondering if my fear seems illegitimate or real. Sorry for the unorganized, and long read. Thank you!
As long as I can remember, even prior to kindergarten, I masturbated daily. It began with toying around with my hands, then using objects such as stuffed animals and toys and placing them against myself while rubbing against them. I would make up sexual fantasies in my head with cartoon characters, masturbating while imagining them. The fantasies almost always death with the victim receiving, what I didn't yet know were, unwanted sexual advances and reoccurring problems with the characters genitals. Nothing extremely graphic, but instances very odd for someone in pre-k to be "fantasizing" about. The character was victimized by friends, his parents, strangers, and even doctors.
I remember asking a boy, the same age as I was at 5 years old, to show me his genitals. I kept persuading him, as I had a couple of other times before this day, until he gave in. I remember feeling aroused and very curious when he showed me. I refused to duplicate the gesture in return, though.
I grew up at my great grandmothers house, spending most of my time there until I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. My grandmother always slept on the couch beside my blowup bed in the living room, even though I assured her she could sleep in her own bed. I remember staying up each night until my grandfather got home from the bars, and not going to sleep until after he'd gone to bed. I can remember having a couple bed wetting accidents at their house in early grade school. According to my sisters, he molested my great-grandmother's daughter as a child.
I don't have a lot (or at least I think I have a smaller amount than normal) of memory between 1st and 2nd grade, which are the oldest grades I was left in the possibly compromising situation. I have memory of my childhood before school, and kindergarten, though.
I also remember my grandfather being touchy, even when I became frustrated at him for it. From a "game" where he'd tap my nose, elbow, or "spank" me, to him ruffing me around to wake me up in the morning while my grandmother yelled at him (telling him to leave me alone), to lying beside me on the floor to watch TV and talk to me. I also remember sitting on his lap to watch TV, possibly being called over to do so (but I'm not sure). At one point, I remember finding it funny to pull my nightgown up and flash him, running away and laughing afterwards. He would constantly have gifts and treats for me, and tease me by telling me I'd been bad and he was giving them to the neighbor kids as a joke. I was both he and my grandmothers obvious favorite out of 7 children.
I remember waking up one morning at my mothers house with a bumpy rash between my legs, crying that it hurt and asking to stay home from school. My sisters called my mother, but nothing was done. To my memory, this only happened once.
I remember a specific dream where I was being chased by monsters, and ran to a family members house. They tried to harass me, not really sexually, then pulled down my sweatpants to expose my underwear. I don't remember much more other than getting away from them.
I never slept as a child, and remember one time when my female cousin was sleeping beside me, and wouldn't wake up. I became frustrated at her, and removed all of her clothes in the middle of the night.
I hated showering and bathing as a kid, and would do anything to avoid it. I would run the water, wet my hair, let the bathroom become steamy and leave puddles around the shower to try and lie about my bathing habits. I would do this to aunts, grandparents, and my own parents. When my sisters' dad watched me, I remember him telling me it was time for a bath. He said if my sisters wouldn't help me, he'd have to. I cried and argued in a fit of rage asking for my sisters to do it, until one did. Now I have a problem with not feeling clean enough, and won't even share drinks or foods with family or friends in order to avoid the possibility of germs being exchanged.
I had chronic stomach pain as a child, so severe I would have crying fits of pain and be unable to sleep. I would constantly call home from school about my stomach, feeling sickness or pain almost daily. I was later diagnosed with IBS, and have had the problems lessen since college.
I had a fear of getting strep throat as a child in the upper grades of elementary school, because it meant I would be taken to the doctors for a test. I would gag before the swabs even touched my throat, fearful of vomiting, and crying my eyes out the entire time. I would be upset, infuriated at the doctor, and embarrassed each time. This persisted until late high school, where it would merely make me tear up.
One of the first sexual experiences I had (at 17), I remember feeling upset during the act, then having my vision almost fade to black. The black faded to what I still presume to be dealing with my grandfather, but quickly fading to black and to reality once more before anything had really happened in the "vision". I had severe tremors during and after, and cried throughout the episode. I wasn't sure what had happened, but associated it with myself questioning possible sexual abuse as a child.
These have happened only a couple of times since. The most memorable time was when I was with a boy from college, and we were messing around with each other. I had smoked marijuana before, and don't remember much of what had happened other than the boy I was with was being a bit pushy or rough. I remember the "memory" as my lying on my stomach on the floor, watching TV at my grandmothers, and having my grandfather come behind me and beginning to touch me between my legs. By the time I came back to reality, my partner was sort of shaking me, saying my name and asking if I was okay. I had tremors again, and was shaking violently and had tears streaming down my face. I didn't realize it, but he said I was just completely out of it and shaking while curled up, and wouldn't respond. When he snapped me out of it and turned on the light, he told me I looked like I had no idea where I was.
To this day, if someone is even beside me and yells or tries to scare me, my reaction is over the top. I will scream and jump at the sound, my heart jumping and leaving me in an anxious mess. I've had to hold back tears and anger, and felt personally "attacked" by the person for the small joke. I cannot stand to be in the dark, sleeping or awake. I always sleep with a small light, as well as the TV, and have to be hyper aware of my surroundings until I become so tired I am forced to sleep. I am 20 and have yet to spent a night alone in any house, because I would be simply terrified.
In 9th grade, I made my mother sleep with me every night so that I could try and fight my fear and insomnia, which I was diagnosed with in middle school. I was the only time I slept in the dark. in 10th and 11th grade, I slept with a steak knife and the house phone on my night stand out of fear that someone was coming after me. I would also lock my door each night.
I am so easily startled, and even angered. I feel like the drop of a pin can send my world crashing down with either of these emotions. I am so fearful of being attacked somehow, carrying knives, pepper spray, and my phone always handy. I almost had a meltdown trying to walk from one campus building, to another about a block away through campus at night, sure someone was waiting to jump and attack me. I find myself checking the backseat of my car several times at night in the same trip, checking behind the shower curtain each time I use the restroom, and different stalls in restrooms before I can use one of them.
I also had asthma as a child, but this could have been due to my mother and grandmother being smokers while I was growing up. TMJ is another physical complication of mine, but I'm not sure if it is related to possible abuse. I suffer from trichotillomania, or hair pulling, and have pulled out my hair and picked my skin since fourth grade. I still suffer from it to this day, and struggle with trying not to pull out my eyebrows, eyelashes, and hair on my head.
I have been diagnosed with IBS, insomnia, OCD, trichotillomania, anxiety, and depression.
I have bouts where I will obsess over the idea that I might have been sexually abused, and bouts where I don't dwell on it at all, even disagreeing with the notion that I might have.
I have problems with masturbation, where occasionally I will get myself to climax 7-14 times in a row or night, feeling anger or almost disgust for myself as I do so. I feel the need to do this, and can't really stop myself due to OCD tendencies.
I used to contemplate suicide in early high school, as well as freshman year of college, out of sheer depression. When I was younger, I would punish myself by hitting my hands or head off of things, or sometimes biting the hand or fingers that I felt deserved it. In high school, I would take a tool used for pushing nail cuticles back, and scratch my arms up. I attempted cutting once, but was unable to do it to myself.
When I am intimate, I can't climax. I have never been able to unless its of my own doing. I also have a very hard time enjoying sex that doesn't imply force, being degraded, and my own submissiveness. I fantasize about men older than me, and being tied up, choked, bit, etc. If It doesn't deal with things that relate to BDSM styles of sex, I can hardly get into it. I also enjoy fantasies putting me in submissive positions, like roles where I am a child being intimate with an adult such as a caregiver, or someone who holds power such as a teacher.
I have had days of such distress that I depersonalized myself. I felt as though I was in a dream, and that nothing was real, including myself. I was numb, and robotic. I felt as though I'd never feel real again.
I fear that, in my lifetime, something catastrophic will occur. A war, an explosion, the end of the world entirely. I have felt like I will die as a younger adult for much of my life, and have never been able to imagine myself far into the future. When I was a younger teen, I predicted the possibility of myself not living well into my twenties.
I have periods where I feel out of control, and have to do something in order to feel my stability gained back. I need to control every potentially threatening or detrimental situation or I will have a meltdown. I often feel crazy and completely abnormal.
I will not put myself in any compromising situation, even something as controlled as riding an amusement park ride, for fear that I will be hurt or killed. I can't drive with anyone speeding, fly on a plane without strong anxiety, walk alone at night, or anything similar.
As long as I can remember, even prior to kindergarten, I masturbated daily. It began with toying around with my hands, then using objects such as stuffed animals and toys and placing them against myself while rubbing against them. I would make up sexual fantasies in my head with cartoon characters, masturbating while imagining them. The fantasies almost always death with the victim receiving, what I didn't yet know were, unwanted sexual advances and reoccurring problems with the characters genitals. Nothing extremely graphic, but instances very odd for someone in pre-k to be "fantasizing" about. The character was victimized by friends, his parents, strangers, and even doctors.
I remember asking a boy, the same age as I was at 5 years old, to show me his genitals. I kept persuading him, as I had a couple of other times before this day, until he gave in. I remember feeling aroused and very curious when he showed me. I refused to duplicate the gesture in return, though.
I grew up at my great grandmothers house, spending most of my time there until I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. My grandmother always slept on the couch beside my blowup bed in the living room, even though I assured her she could sleep in her own bed. I remember staying up each night until my grandfather got home from the bars, and not going to sleep until after he'd gone to bed. I can remember having a couple bed wetting accidents at their house in early grade school. According to my sisters, he molested my great-grandmother's daughter as a child.
I don't have a lot (or at least I think I have a smaller amount than normal) of memory between 1st and 2nd grade, which are the oldest grades I was left in the possibly compromising situation. I have memory of my childhood before school, and kindergarten, though.
I also remember my grandfather being touchy, even when I became frustrated at him for it. From a "game" where he'd tap my nose, elbow, or "spank" me, to him ruffing me around to wake me up in the morning while my grandmother yelled at him (telling him to leave me alone), to lying beside me on the floor to watch TV and talk to me. I also remember sitting on his lap to watch TV, possibly being called over to do so (but I'm not sure). At one point, I remember finding it funny to pull my nightgown up and flash him, running away and laughing afterwards. He would constantly have gifts and treats for me, and tease me by telling me I'd been bad and he was giving them to the neighbor kids as a joke. I was both he and my grandmothers obvious favorite out of 7 children.
I remember waking up one morning at my mothers house with a bumpy rash between my legs, crying that it hurt and asking to stay home from school. My sisters called my mother, but nothing was done. To my memory, this only happened once.
I remember a specific dream where I was being chased by monsters, and ran to a family members house. They tried to harass me, not really sexually, then pulled down my sweatpants to expose my underwear. I don't remember much more other than getting away from them.
I never slept as a child, and remember one time when my female cousin was sleeping beside me, and wouldn't wake up. I became frustrated at her, and removed all of her clothes in the middle of the night.
I hated showering and bathing as a kid, and would do anything to avoid it. I would run the water, wet my hair, let the bathroom become steamy and leave puddles around the shower to try and lie about my bathing habits. I would do this to aunts, grandparents, and my own parents. When my sisters' dad watched me, I remember him telling me it was time for a bath. He said if my sisters wouldn't help me, he'd have to. I cried and argued in a fit of rage asking for my sisters to do it, until one did. Now I have a problem with not feeling clean enough, and won't even share drinks or foods with family or friends in order to avoid the possibility of germs being exchanged.
I had chronic stomach pain as a child, so severe I would have crying fits of pain and be unable to sleep. I would constantly call home from school about my stomach, feeling sickness or pain almost daily. I was later diagnosed with IBS, and have had the problems lessen since college.
I had a fear of getting strep throat as a child in the upper grades of elementary school, because it meant I would be taken to the doctors for a test. I would gag before the swabs even touched my throat, fearful of vomiting, and crying my eyes out the entire time. I would be upset, infuriated at the doctor, and embarrassed each time. This persisted until late high school, where it would merely make me tear up.
One of the first sexual experiences I had (at 17), I remember feeling upset during the act, then having my vision almost fade to black. The black faded to what I still presume to be dealing with my grandfather, but quickly fading to black and to reality once more before anything had really happened in the "vision". I had severe tremors during and after, and cried throughout the episode. I wasn't sure what had happened, but associated it with myself questioning possible sexual abuse as a child.
These have happened only a couple of times since. The most memorable time was when I was with a boy from college, and we were messing around with each other. I had smoked marijuana before, and don't remember much of what had happened other than the boy I was with was being a bit pushy or rough. I remember the "memory" as my lying on my stomach on the floor, watching TV at my grandmothers, and having my grandfather come behind me and beginning to touch me between my legs. By the time I came back to reality, my partner was sort of shaking me, saying my name and asking if I was okay. I had tremors again, and was shaking violently and had tears streaming down my face. I didn't realize it, but he said I was just completely out of it and shaking while curled up, and wouldn't respond. When he snapped me out of it and turned on the light, he told me I looked like I had no idea where I was.
To this day, if someone is even beside me and yells or tries to scare me, my reaction is over the top. I will scream and jump at the sound, my heart jumping and leaving me in an anxious mess. I've had to hold back tears and anger, and felt personally "attacked" by the person for the small joke. I cannot stand to be in the dark, sleeping or awake. I always sleep with a small light, as well as the TV, and have to be hyper aware of my surroundings until I become so tired I am forced to sleep. I am 20 and have yet to spent a night alone in any house, because I would be simply terrified.
In 9th grade, I made my mother sleep with me every night so that I could try and fight my fear and insomnia, which I was diagnosed with in middle school. I was the only time I slept in the dark. in 10th and 11th grade, I slept with a steak knife and the house phone on my night stand out of fear that someone was coming after me. I would also lock my door each night.
I am so easily startled, and even angered. I feel like the drop of a pin can send my world crashing down with either of these emotions. I am so fearful of being attacked somehow, carrying knives, pepper spray, and my phone always handy. I almost had a meltdown trying to walk from one campus building, to another about a block away through campus at night, sure someone was waiting to jump and attack me. I find myself checking the backseat of my car several times at night in the same trip, checking behind the shower curtain each time I use the restroom, and different stalls in restrooms before I can use one of them.
I also had asthma as a child, but this could have been due to my mother and grandmother being smokers while I was growing up. TMJ is another physical complication of mine, but I'm not sure if it is related to possible abuse. I suffer from trichotillomania, or hair pulling, and have pulled out my hair and picked my skin since fourth grade. I still suffer from it to this day, and struggle with trying not to pull out my eyebrows, eyelashes, and hair on my head.
I have been diagnosed with IBS, insomnia, OCD, trichotillomania, anxiety, and depression.
I have bouts where I will obsess over the idea that I might have been sexually abused, and bouts where I don't dwell on it at all, even disagreeing with the notion that I might have.
I have problems with masturbation, where occasionally I will get myself to climax 7-14 times in a row or night, feeling anger or almost disgust for myself as I do so. I feel the need to do this, and can't really stop myself due to OCD tendencies.
I used to contemplate suicide in early high school, as well as freshman year of college, out of sheer depression. When I was younger, I would punish myself by hitting my hands or head off of things, or sometimes biting the hand or fingers that I felt deserved it. In high school, I would take a tool used for pushing nail cuticles back, and scratch my arms up. I attempted cutting once, but was unable to do it to myself.
When I am intimate, I can't climax. I have never been able to unless its of my own doing. I also have a very hard time enjoying sex that doesn't imply force, being degraded, and my own submissiveness. I fantasize about men older than me, and being tied up, choked, bit, etc. If It doesn't deal with things that relate to BDSM styles of sex, I can hardly get into it. I also enjoy fantasies putting me in submissive positions, like roles where I am a child being intimate with an adult such as a caregiver, or someone who holds power such as a teacher.
I have had days of such distress that I depersonalized myself. I felt as though I was in a dream, and that nothing was real, including myself. I was numb, and robotic. I felt as though I'd never feel real again.
I fear that, in my lifetime, something catastrophic will occur. A war, an explosion, the end of the world entirely. I have felt like I will die as a younger adult for much of my life, and have never been able to imagine myself far into the future. When I was a younger teen, I predicted the possibility of myself not living well into my twenties.
I have periods where I feel out of control, and have to do something in order to feel my stability gained back. I need to control every potentially threatening or detrimental situation or I will have a meltdown. I often feel crazy and completely abnormal.
I will not put myself in any compromising situation, even something as controlled as riding an amusement park ride, for fear that I will be hurt or killed. I can't drive with anyone speeding, fly on a plane without strong anxiety, walk alone at night, or anything similar.
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