Preparing For Therapist’s Death Brought Comfort And Other Odd Discoveries

[Skywatcher]

My therapist will be gone for two weeks. I had something happen very young that involved separation from my mom due to fear of punishment. Not really an abusive situation, but a very traumatic set of events for a two and three year old me, in which the parts kind of stuck around. When I was 6, I was told that my dad had to live away from us for his military job because where he would be was too dangerous for the family. My T leaving triggers this abandonment in addition to other abandonments that were trauma related and we have been preparing for her trip off and on for about 4 weeks. One of our conversations centered around her potential death and what I would do. Somehow it came up again today. She told me that if she were to die 10 minutes from that moment, that she would be at peace about it, that she has enjoyed a very good life. I asked if I would be allowed at her funeral and she said “yes.” Then we went on to talk about our set up while she is gone. We recorded a meditation that she read in which I imagine an advisor that I can meet up with for help on any problem at anytime. My “advisor” that my mind created was a version of her and a strong horse by her side. Another thing she told me about was a park that she really enjoys near trails that I frequent. All of this stuff helped. The death part, still oddly comforting. I’m just trying to figure that one out. Any thoughts?

 

[Teamwork]

That would freak me out. But I’m glad to get the distance and read your journey. My t is away for 4 weeks and I’m starting to feel in pain.

 

[Skywatcher]

Maybe it’s because she knows that I always think people will disappear forever when they go. She wanted me to feel closure and some control with that feeling? I’m very hopeful that her travels will be safe and relaxing. She did assure me that she isn’t a big risk taker and likes staying alive.

 

[hithere]

I can completely understand this. It's an exercise I used to do in early adulthood because sometimes anxieties of "WHAT IF such and such happens," would grip me. So I learned to take that "What if, such and such happens " to it's worse possible scenario; and it almost always ended hypothetically in a death. So then I'd imagine that and what would I do, what would happen. Then I'd realize, it will be ok, I will get through it.

The bible says that "all fear is rooted in the fear of death," so I think you took it that far and can see it will be ok, but that is not likely to happen at all. BUT IF IT DOES you can see where it can lead and that gives peace and comfort.

 

[Rumors]

I can't think in the abstract like that so it just seems too hard and weird.... I would struggle. ?

 

[Skywatcher]

Last time I saw her was on Tuesday. I wrote her a quick email yesterday clarifying something I said in therapy. She responded with a reminder that made me think on it a little bit differently. However, the weirdest part of this is that I have been so fixated on her going to the other side of the world and “disappearing” she was already gone (aka: no longer in existence, not real) in my mind and I was sort of mourning her loss. When she replied, I realized that she is still out there somewhere, presumably at work finishing out the week before she leaves. It never dawned on me how strongly my brain disappears people. She has been telling me for a year now that the email response is not really what I’m seeking when she is gone. And she doesn’t respond anymore unless it is necessary (used to for reassurance, but that never really solved the problem). Hmmm. This is all a lot to ponder. Weird when the therapist becomes more and more right over time.

 

[Friday]

I do this with everyone I care about / it’s part of my growing to care about them; getting comfortable with the fact that one way or another? I’m going to lose them. My mind goes to worst case scenarios, so that means pregrieving their deaths (or periodically my own, and losing everyone I care about all at once). After I’ve settled in with their dying? I’m far more sanguine about all of the other options. Whether they move to Timbuktu or date someone else or change jobs? Hey. At least they’re still breathing, and I can smile about their chasing their dreams and other adventures elsewhere with other people.