Hi folks,
I hope everyone is keeping safe and healthy in these strange times.
I would like someone to help me a wall I am facing in therapy. First without divulging much I will say I did not grow up in western culture just to give context of childhood, background, approaches to live. I know this is vague but please just play along.
Now, I find often in my personal life and in therapy, I am quite conscious not to project. This does not mean I do not project, it means I am *often* conscious of it especially when the feeling is negative. I am not too concerned when the feeling is positive even though in the past, I used to over project all goodness to people and were depleted; and in order to actually grow and heal, I had a breakthrough to become conscious of this positive vipe giving all the time at my own expense so I, somewhat, I kept some good feelings to myself and can see when I am projecting good, hope, love, concern etc to others. But this is not the issue today.
The issue today is what is the story about a person who is very conscious not to project negative? The trick is I would take the feeling back to me (at my own expense) and then process it as to see it is truly my feeling or it was a projected feeling. Then, if I feel truly it was mine, I will be more compassionate to myself and if I feel this was something the other person threw at me ( put a seed in me sort of), then I will acknowledge and depending may or may not follow up with the person. Most of the time, I do not follow up if it does not come back again cause the time has lapsed and I move on.
Hope this makes sense as I am struggling with this now.
Now, I know in therapy is the place to let go and be vulnerable and even allow regression, but I am facing a phase where my aversion to project to the therapist is too conscious for me to pass through. So I said to her, I have a fear of projection to you. I am too conscious of this. (as I write this I am noticing the flip side of I should then express the feeling I am holding on my own but that did not happen). I just expressed that I had aversion to project in therapy ...I am very sure I did in the past when I am unconscious. Or maybe my aversion is the real issue not the actual projecting...
It seems to me, and I hope someone can relate to this and give me their own story so I could understand further. That I am owning my own feelings as an infant, in a very regressive state (I have a lot of fear and terror), and I am projecting (the attributes of my mother - hostility and threat) to the therapist but I am also attempting not to project my mother's interjections out to the therapist. So I am in essence, self suffocating myself to hold all. Why cant I allow to project my mother to the therapist? I feel and often I voice that the therapist is not my mother and does not deserve to carry that burden so I am protecting the therapist but yet aware of it...again suffocating here! Even I acknowledge protecting the therapist may be euphemism for protecting my mother or my infant self but again I am conscious of this so I can see it as pure transference...and do not walk around the world as having a chip of protecting others unnecessary!
My feeling is we are told projection is very old mechanism and primitive in child development but we do not know exactly how it develops or works in the infant or at least precisely. My strong fears in therapy sessions, and conscious processing is telling me that even as infant, I probably resisted more projections from my mother otherwise, I would have been more hurt than I am now (if possible)...maybe even this level of breaking down projection in my inner mind is the real trauma that I carry.
My therapist said it is natural to project and I agree of course (trust me I am married there is a lot of projection going on in real life both good and bad) but in the hour in therapy, as I regress, my intensity to avert projection intensifies. My feeling that perhaps I feel the therapist does not agree is I do not project when I am unsafe or in regression and this is probably what I experienced as a child. I stopped projecting to my mother and closing off her projection to me (I am just realizing this and not sure if it is a thing). The theory of projection is though the infant projects and this is a very primitive defense! I am experiencing a constipation level of emotions and the inability to project so I am confused.
My question after this stream of consciousness post is: Does anyone ever experience anything similar or during a deep regression experience they did not project as a child/infant or remembered aversion to projection from body memory?
Ultimately this feels to me, due to my fault projection, perhaps I did not love my mother and my mother stopped loving me (as I closed the door). This feeling has come and went in my life over the years but I have no any other way of explaining or understanding. It feels to me if I *broke* the negative projection mechanism in order to survive, then I inadvertently broke the positive projection mechanism as well. I need to explain my thoughts to my therapist to make more sense. I feel I am traumatized in this developmental phase very deeply but do not have intellectual understanding of the process...just going by feeling and emotional processing here.
Sorry long and dreadful post.
A question that lingers in my mind is what did I do to overcompensate my aversion to projection over the years? I do not know that yet.
Any and all feedback are welcome.
I hope everyone is keeping safe and healthy in these strange times.
I would like someone to help me a wall I am facing in therapy. First without divulging much I will say I did not grow up in western culture just to give context of childhood, background, approaches to live. I know this is vague but please just play along.
Now, I find often in my personal life and in therapy, I am quite conscious not to project. This does not mean I do not project, it means I am *often* conscious of it especially when the feeling is negative. I am not too concerned when the feeling is positive even though in the past, I used to over project all goodness to people and were depleted; and in order to actually grow and heal, I had a breakthrough to become conscious of this positive vipe giving all the time at my own expense so I, somewhat, I kept some good feelings to myself and can see when I am projecting good, hope, love, concern etc to others. But this is not the issue today.
The issue today is what is the story about a person who is very conscious not to project negative? The trick is I would take the feeling back to me (at my own expense) and then process it as to see it is truly my feeling or it was a projected feeling. Then, if I feel truly it was mine, I will be more compassionate to myself and if I feel this was something the other person threw at me ( put a seed in me sort of), then I will acknowledge and depending may or may not follow up with the person. Most of the time, I do not follow up if it does not come back again cause the time has lapsed and I move on.
Hope this makes sense as I am struggling with this now.
Now, I know in therapy is the place to let go and be vulnerable and even allow regression, but I am facing a phase where my aversion to project to the therapist is too conscious for me to pass through. So I said to her, I have a fear of projection to you. I am too conscious of this. (as I write this I am noticing the flip side of I should then express the feeling I am holding on my own but that did not happen). I just expressed that I had aversion to project in therapy ...I am very sure I did in the past when I am unconscious. Or maybe my aversion is the real issue not the actual projecting...
It seems to me, and I hope someone can relate to this and give me their own story so I could understand further. That I am owning my own feelings as an infant, in a very regressive state (I have a lot of fear and terror), and I am projecting (the attributes of my mother - hostility and threat) to the therapist but I am also attempting not to project my mother's interjections out to the therapist. So I am in essence, self suffocating myself to hold all. Why cant I allow to project my mother to the therapist? I feel and often I voice that the therapist is not my mother and does not deserve to carry that burden so I am protecting the therapist but yet aware of it...again suffocating here! Even I acknowledge protecting the therapist may be euphemism for protecting my mother or my infant self but again I am conscious of this so I can see it as pure transference...and do not walk around the world as having a chip of protecting others unnecessary!
My feeling is we are told projection is very old mechanism and primitive in child development but we do not know exactly how it develops or works in the infant or at least precisely. My strong fears in therapy sessions, and conscious processing is telling me that even as infant, I probably resisted more projections from my mother otherwise, I would have been more hurt than I am now (if possible)...maybe even this level of breaking down projection in my inner mind is the real trauma that I carry.
My therapist said it is natural to project and I agree of course (trust me I am married there is a lot of projection going on in real life both good and bad) but in the hour in therapy, as I regress, my intensity to avert projection intensifies. My feeling that perhaps I feel the therapist does not agree is I do not project when I am unsafe or in regression and this is probably what I experienced as a child. I stopped projecting to my mother and closing off her projection to me (I am just realizing this and not sure if it is a thing). The theory of projection is though the infant projects and this is a very primitive defense! I am experiencing a constipation level of emotions and the inability to project so I am confused.
My question after this stream of consciousness post is: Does anyone ever experience anything similar or during a deep regression experience they did not project as a child/infant or remembered aversion to projection from body memory?
Ultimately this feels to me, due to my fault projection, perhaps I did not love my mother and my mother stopped loving me (as I closed the door). This feeling has come and went in my life over the years but I have no any other way of explaining or understanding. It feels to me if I *broke* the negative projection mechanism in order to survive, then I inadvertently broke the positive projection mechanism as well. I need to explain my thoughts to my therapist to make more sense. I feel I am traumatized in this developmental phase very deeply but do not have intellectual understanding of the process...just going by feeling and emotional processing here.
Sorry long and dreadful post.
A question that lingers in my mind is what did I do to overcompensate my aversion to projection over the years? I do not know that yet.
Any and all feedback are welcome.