Prospect Of Parenting - How Has This Helped You?

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I've been ghosting around for a little while, but this is my first thread post.

Have been having several conversations with my man (sufferer) lately at his initiative about the prospect of parenting - what our philosophies of parenting are, how we want to approach issues of discipline, self-discovery, sexual maturation, protecting our future children from outside evils, etc. And I am watching him go through this whole 'nother layer of self-discovery and retrospective healing as he examines how HE was raised - the good, the bad, the ugly - and it's also resulted in him recovering some past memories and piecing some things together he thought he'd never "get over" .. I FEEL some healing taking place in him, which is just .. such a joy to MY heart ...

and I am very interested in some thoughts from everyone willing to share about how considering parenting, or BEING parents may have brought about some redemptive healing in your world? (I don't mean so much the idea that people sometimes have about "having a child" as being its own kind of "fixing" their past as much as I mean REAL ways either considering having or actually having children brought about .. mmm .. SURPRISES of grace in your life?)

Thank you to ALL for so much openness and support in the various forums, here! :inlove:

~S2B

 

[garden]

When I became a mom a lot of memories about my abuse became hard to ignore. I had swept much of it under the rug and created a comfy good life, so I didn't think about my crappy childhood anymore, and I don't define myself by the things that have happened to me, so it was easy not to think about the past. Having my daughter and experiencing her vulnerablity, and complete dependence on me made my childhood memories unbearable. I enjoyed caring for her, and playing with her, and spending time with her, but I was not enjoyed in the same way when I was growing and develping, and realizing the contrast was like a knife in my gut.

I think that becoming a parent will stir up some stuff for anyone who was abused as a child. On the flip side of that though, there is healing. I get to heal my own childhood by being the parent I never had. I get to enjoy her, teach her, and love her and experience a parent/child bond, something that I did not get to experience as a child, but I do get to experience it now as an adult. Becoming a parent made me aware of my wounds, and at first that was hard, but it is also healing my wounds, and opening me up to parts of myself that I didn't know existed. I didn't know that I had so much love inside of me until she came along.

I cannot go back in time and prevent the bad things from happening, but I can be a loving, responsible parent now and end the cycle of abuse in my own family dynamic, and that's a good feeling.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Although I am not permitted to see any of my kids at the moment, I will never look back with regret, I may have relationship regrets but one thing I will never regret, or I should say SIX things I will never Ever regret are my Children. Whatever the future holds for me they will always be my kids and I will always love them unending and with the love only a father could show.

:hug:s on your journey

Laurie

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Lewa .. thank you for sharing! some really beautiful perspective here .. I am already seeing my man wrestle through this kind of vicarious "re-living his childhood" through the eyes of a future child (we don't have yet). Your daughter's "vulnerability" really jumped out to me .. this is LOUD to my man in his reflections already .. I keep going back to the quote from movie Spitfire Grill about how if a wound goes real deep, the healing of it can hurt as much as what caused it .. that seems to be what we're getting hints of, here ...

REALLY LOVE this paragraph:

I think that becoming a parent will stir up some stuff for anyone who was abused as a child. On the flip side of that though, there is healing. I get to heal my own childhood by being the parent I never had. I get to enjoy her, teach her, and love her and experience a parent/child bond, something that I did not get to experience as a child, but I do get to experience it now as an adult. Becoming a parent made me aware of my wounds, and at first that was hard, but it is also healing my wounds, and opening me up to parts of myself that I didn't know existed. I didn't know that I had so much love inside of me until she came along.

:inlove: :hug:

~S2B

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Santa_Laurie .. Thank you for this :) My man has talked often (OFTEN!) about his fears that we "won't work out" .. I go into this eyes-wide-open (as much as can be reasonably possible when I also have stars in my eyes!) knowing life happens along the way .. I try not to delude myself concerning his and my "happy ending," in other words. So your post really TOUCHES me .. because I would love to be able to "dream" for my man that, no matter what else OUR future holds, he would say the same as you have just said, that is, even IF he and I can't make this last for the long haul .. our (not yet) CHILD would still be a delight to him! :hug:

As an aside, I wish you MUCH joy as a dad, whatever your future road may hold!

~S2B

 

[shrinkingviolet]

My daughters bring me joy, despite a past of hurt and heartache. I am fiercely protective of them, which I'm sure is due to my childhood. They know they are loved, can trust and feel safe. This has truly healed part of my soul.

 

[ihateusernames]

I get to heal my own childhood by being the parent I never had. I get to enjoy her, teach her, and love her and experience a parent/child bond, something that I did not get to experience as a child, but I do get to experience it now as an adult. Becoming a parent made me aware of my wounds, and at first that was hard, but it is also healing my wounds, and opening me up to parts of myself that I didn't know existed. I didn't know that I had so much love inside of me until she came along.

So much of this.

My husband and I have always talked about how differently we would do things, etc, etc. But we were not at all prepared for the impact that having a small, helpless, beautiful, perfect child around would have on us. We can't help but look at him and think "I was just like that" and of course the next question is "How could anybody treat such a beautiful thing the way that we were treated?" It's infuriating, but it is sort of therapeutic in that respect. Recognizing that our parents were just plain wrong, that it was all on them and not us, and that there is an alternative does have its benefits. The whole thing has caused me a lot of depression, hopefully ultimately I'll come out a lot better for it, but I can tell that my husband has really benefited from it. He's a completely different person as a father.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@shrinkingviolet .. I get that "fiercely protective" .. that's the exact phrase I use to describe my man's disposition towards me. And that is definitely surfacing in these conversations as he is working through how to build a home that would be a "shelter and safe place" for our future family. It's difficult for me to know how much to encourage him to "dive into" this, because I don't want the "mere conversation" to itself be a trigger for him - but at the same time, I think I'm fooling myself if I think kids won't be triggers sometimes, too. (!) So .. if I step back and OBSERVE my man wrestle his demons, I feel I'm getting a peek into how he'll handle the future, too, and so far, I just have to say I am SO impressed with him!

They know they are loved, can trust and feel safe.

This is EXACTLY what we want to be INTENTIONAL about cultivating. We know we won't be perfect at it, but we want to do all we can "up front" to be as prepared to succeed .. if our kids can be confident they are loved, that we are trust-WORTHY, and we will do all we can to keep them safe? I think we will have succeeded as parents!

~S2B

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

We can't help but look at him and think "I was just like that" and of course the next question is "How could anybody treat such a beautiful thing the way that we were treated?"

Oh my goodness, I didn't even think of this :(

:hug:

I feel I need to let that one wash over me a little bit there .. or as my pastor likes to say, "we need to camp out here for a minute."

That has the taste of both joy AND grief .. but it sounds like you found healing in the grieving, too! :inlove:

~S2B

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

He's a completely different person as a father.

On this point .. I am just beginning to see this "difference" sparking in my man, through recent talks. I am almost *shocked* at how much "change" is taking place - how he is expressing himself, how FAR out into the future he is thinking (his usual "doom and gloom" has us never looking past 6 months out, and now he's contemplating our kids "coming of age" and where we'll be in life when that happens, etc.) I have never seen this side of him .. so eager and excited to BUILD towards something (not always looking back or self-punishing) ...

 

[GWhizz]

My experience would be similar to @Lewa. And of course it's a process that I'm growing through everyday.

I had my son 18 months ago and it triggered my ptsd to become 'active' if you like. Parenting a child without any prior role-model experience has been a challenge but with lots of positives too. And watching a vulnerable child depend on you and give you unconditional trust and love has brought up a lot of mixed emotions.

I would just say, no matter how you plan or prepare or how your ideals of what way you'll parent are etc, always expect the unexpected and be prepared to deal with these as they come up. Because parenting is a challenge for everyone, but even moreso I would think for someone with ptsd or past childhood trauma etc.

I think that my mental health and my life experiences have helped shape me into a stronger parent than maybe if I hadn't had those challenges. So in a way, I'm a more conscientious and caring mother than I may have been otherwise.

Good topic btw :)

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I would just say, no matter how you plan or prepare or how your ideals of what way you'll parent are etc, always expect the unexpected and be prepared to deal with these as they come up.

Thank you, @GWhizz .. *deep breath* .. I needed this reminder. ;) My man and I are both natural "planners" and tend to want to try to figure everything out ahead of time - and we constantly need to pause and give ourselves "permission" to not try to "control" every outcome. I love your "process that I'm growing through everyday" comment, too.

I think that my mental health and my life experiences have helped shape me into a stronger parent than maybe if I hadn't had those challenges. So in a way, I'm a more conscientious and caring mother than I may have been otherwise.

^^^ Love this one, too. It never ceases to amaze me how much GRACE shows up, even in difficult situations - to prepare us for other things, to help us heal, etc. I pray I have the humility to see my own struggles as part of the greater "shaping" process!

~S2B