Prospect Of Parenting - How Has This Helped You?

[WhisperingUnicorn]

PS to all above and future responders - I am trying to comment to each poster directly, but I don't by any means intend for that to cut off further replies/discussion. I am new to posting this way - I hope I'm not coming across as "all about me" .. just conscious of really "taking everything in" :) and this is such a new spot to be in, relationally, too. :)

~S2B

 

[Nam]

Oh my. I could go on and on.

First off...(I know your hubby won't go through this...lol) being pregnant was challenging. I was in awe of what my body was capable of doing, but also worried that I was broken somehow and wouldn't be able to have kids. Pain is a theme in my memories. So, with my 3rd one, I was adamant that I had control of it. Conquered it. That birth was so healing to me. My body isn't broken, it's not deficient, and pain can bring forth something good.

With the birth of my 4th, (my last), I was overjoyed that I had a girl. I was given a second chance. My older two daughters got caught in the worst of my ptsd symptoms...right during the most crucial part of their lives ages 0-3. So, when this little girl was born (also born with beautiful pain), I felt that I was ready to really be parent. During her early years, I was doing quite well. Functional, working part-time, doing what moms of four kids were doing. When she arrived at the age that I was abused, I relapsed back into more ptsd symptoms and more memories. It's still ongoing.

She has taught me that even though I wasn't mothered, I can still do a good job mothering. She is capable of loving me even when she's mad. How is this so with a 4 year old? It is a weird, bittersweet feeling to see her so happy, knowing that I helped her be happy, but knowing I never had that.

I'm also paranoid. My worst fear would be having them all taken away. Just last night, I didn't want to leave because a terrible thought came to me that they could die of carbon monoxide poisoning...or fire. I checked the detectors. I watch who goes into the public bathroom with my son because I can't go in there. I memorize their face. I'm very cautious of who is in their lives. No sleepovers. The girls can invite people to stay over night here, but they may not go to others.

Recently, I did the sex talk with my girls. It was such a contrast to what I knew already at their age. They had no idea. Oblivious. They were curious about tampons and was astonished where it goes. We talked about sex and that was even more astonishing...almost to the point that my 11 year old just couldn't think about it. It was a talk that my mother never gave me. I told them about the anatomy, but also about the feelings. How sacred it is. I was so proud and saddened that their first exposure to it was me, telling them that it's good, special, and pretty awesome. I just didn't get that. :(

An interesting note: My kids helped me heal some of the wounds that were left by my mother. Even though she didn't bond with me and couldn't give me the affection that I desired, she gave it freely to my kids. In some ways, she's trying to hug me when she hugs my kids.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Nam .. my man is also .. I suppose the best descriptive term is "hyper vigilant" and he is so highly alert that he is tense all the time ("body armor") and has to perform various ritualistic tasks to reassure himself that he has taken due steps to secure a thing (himself, the house, his tools, et al). I have wondered what this might look like if we have children - so your paragraph ..

I'm also paranoid. My worst fear would be having them all taken away. Just last night, I didn't want to leave because a terrible thought came to me that they could die of carbon monoxide poisoning...or fire. I checked the detectors. I watch who goes into the public bathroom with my son because I can't go in there. I memorize their face. I'm very cautious of who is in their lives. No sleepovers. The girls can invite people to stay over night here, but they may not go to others.

.. really resonated with me!

The idea of your mother showing love to you thru your children is *powerful* (and similarly the idea of reliving aspects of one's own childhood through parenting their children) .. I want to chew on that one some more ....

Your post reminded me of the lyrics of a song (speaking about how God exchanges his good for our brokenness): "He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair ...."

:hug: :inlove: :)

~S2B

 

[Rumors]

Single best thing I have ever done in my life. It makes me want to be a better more healthy person so that I can be the best representative and advocate for my son. I saw so many things that I shouldn't have seen growing up that I just refuse to give him one day of worry like that.
I think you know you are getting it right when your kid says "I don't ever want to grow up...I want to stay this age..it is perfect." Makes my heart warm because all I could think about was escaping. There is a certain amount of accountability that kids bring to the table and sometimes that is a good thing. They also have a way of creating stability, if you can allow that, because through the accountability you find yourself eating well and on time, going to bed regularly, and having some sort of schedule. Schedules seem to be important for me to keep order in my mind. Otherwise, I can feel very chaotic.
My kid keeps me going... It is truly the biggest blessing of my life. I am quite sure I would be a repulsive individual without him!!!!!!

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

There is a certain amount of accountability that kids bring to the table and sometimes that is a good thing. They also have a way of creating stability, if you can allow that, because through the accountability you find yourself eating well and on time, going to bed regularly, and having some sort of schedule. Schedules seem to be important for me to keep order in my mind. Otherwise, I can feel very chaotic.

Really good stuff, @Rumors .. :) :)

I'm a little off my game, today, so I don't have a more substantial reply than that at the moment .. just had a major blow out with my man last night and it is tempting to let it FEEL like it derailed all the good we accomplished all week long. Darn that black and white thinking, and fighting the (exhausting) temptation to make things bigger than they are. *sigh* :(

Thanks for sharing, here :)

~S2B

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@shrinkingviolet @Rumors and anyone else interested .. I am wondering if you would be willing to offer a couple specific examples of something you learned - could be about yourself? or PTSD? ways to deal with PTSD as a parent? something you learned as a co-parent? anything you like :)

 

[Friday]

CombatPTSD here, not childhood or sexual.

I was just coming out of my last tailspin (5 years of some serious hard living and chaos) when I got pregnant on accident. 3 forms of birth control accident. Pill. Condoms. Spermicide.

The pregnancy was rough, to say the least. High risk (I've lost in the 2nd/3rd trimester before), cancer, & antepardum depression (just like PPD / & postpartum psychosis, wheeee, but while you're knocked up instead of after... I spent over 6 months suicidal -not ideation, but actively suicidal- for at least 1-2 hours a day. Sometimes I could just sit very, very still. Sometimes cuffing myself to the radiator in the bathroom, cause I couldn't hold onto the chair anymore). Bad times. No fun. My body wasn't my own. My head wasn't my own. I was outta control. Literally. Very, very difficult experience.

After my son was born I decided I wanted 5-10 of them. :D
For truth. Looked into clomid & had a plan worked out wih my OB to shoot for multiples, to avoid being pregnant very much.

Kids. Are. Awesome.

Seriously. They are so amazingly spectacular, and the pure joy of being able to show someone else the world? And the hilarity, the frustration (Head. Meet drywall.), the constantly changing targets, the up all hours, the hospital visits, teaching manners, learning languages, gradually increasing levels of responsibility, figuring out solutions to problems, teaching colors with laundry, teaching character, building trust, uncontrollable tears of exhaustion, getting to know who they are as a person, encouraging passions & interests & strengths, nearly losing them, arms flung around your neck in pure love, cannonball head breaking your nose, grass stains, gravity checks, temper tantrums, time outs, decisions decisions decisions... 10,000 lessons... And the lessons work both ways. Teaching my son to be a good person made me a good person. At one point I even did have my 5 for a few years... Kinship care... Of 5 ADHD kids, in a teeny tiny house :) Talk about needing to be on your A-game 24-7!!! So. Much. Fun. And homeschooling at least 1, and 3-5 of them sometimes... School, & away school, & sports, & activities, and thundering herds of lemurs! Talk about bringing order to chaos. I've only been more in my element once in my life.

I never expected to be a parent. I certainly never expected to love it so dearly.

Unfortunately my ex should be no one's father.
Fortunately, I realized that before I got pregnant again.
More fortunately, my ex hates kids. So he stayed away. Until we got divorced.
Unfortunately, he wanted custody, and got it.

So, at this point, it's one & done. I am never, ever, going to be responsible for another child's abuse or death. f*ck that shit. Yes the courts are the ones who granted the prick custody after 9 years of only being in his life long enough (apx 30 days all told) to be deemed both dangerously abusive and neglectful, but I am the one who should be taken out and shot. It was my job to protect him. And I've failed.

Probably not the happy ending you were expecting. I haven't known life to have many happy endings.

 

[Rumors]

Oh wow... I have learned TONS!
I have learned what it feels like to be truly present and not wandering hopelessly in my own mind. I have learned to be patient with my kids emotions and to let him know that it is ok to feel sad, frustrated, happy, etc. I have let him express those things without guilt or shame. I have learned that keeping secrets is not healthy. Although we all have little things, there are lots of things that need to be brought into the light. I have learned it is ok to ask for help...this has been the hardest. I have learned that love is not something you withhold from someone bc you are upset with them. True love is unconditional with your child and I think it is ok to let them know you aren't happy with a certain behavior, but I think they always need to know that you love them. I have learned about responsibility and accountability...also very tough things. I have learned that as with everything, you must invest time and energy into this relationship in order for the benefit to pay off. I have learned empathy, compassion and forgiveness. Also very hard things to learn this late in life but I figure if my kid can forgive his friend for breaking his favorite Spider-Man action figure, surely I can forgive myself for a few minor blips. Forgiveness of ourselves is far more difficult than our ability to forgive others. I have more but I will stop here for now... I really can't tell you how much being a mom has meant to me. I would likely be dead and gone by now!!!

 

[shrinkingviolet]

@ptsdspouse2b , I have learned to trust my instincts as a parent, to truly listen to my daughters when they are talking and sharing their feelings and to be honest with them about my strengths and weaknesses. I tried to tell my Mom I was being molested when I was a child, but she didn't get what I was saying when I said " I didn't like this family member" or "I don't like when he tickles me". I didn't know how to verbalize but she wasn't really listening. I don't blame her ( I later was able to really share and she did everything she could to help and protect me).

I make it a point to really pay attention when my girls talk to me and ask questions if I don't understand. I also never invalidate their feelings so they will never feel that they don't matter, whether it is a scary dream or upset each other. Communication is so important, I ask about their friends, school etc., the little stuff so some day they will share the big too. I let them see me cry, have bad days, get frustrated and sometimes lose my temper by yelling, but apologize after. They know somewhat of what happened to me (no details of course). I taught them very early no one had the right to touch their body, adult or child and they have every right to do whatever it takes to defend themselves. They know I am emotional, which can be good or bad but I daily proclaim I am not perfect(not as an excuse but a truth), so they never think I expect them to be. I tell them daily how much I love them and that nothing will ever change this. I rarely make promises (things can come up) so this way they can trust me. The most important thing to me as a parent is for my children to feel safe and loved. They are my joy and I feel everything I have faced and overcome in my life, has made me more strong and loving as a Mom. They know they are a priority in my life and I would lay my life down (or someone else's) in a heartbeat to protect them.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@FridayJones .. Thank you for sharing your story! I think "happy endings" are achievable, but they won't necessarily look like what we expect - I have hope you'll "FIND" yours, yet! You painted a beautiful story, the blessing even though it's mixed with pain and struggle .. and it's a GOOD reminder to adjust our expectations, to rejoice over the good and FIGHT for the BEST .. does that sound too cheerleaderish? I hope not - your story was very en-COURAGE-ing to me!

~S2B

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Rumors .. I am so glad you wrote more details! This offered a lot of points I want to keep in my journal, to watch for, and to (as much as possible) intentionally TRY for ..

...what it feels like to be truly present and not wandering hopelessly in my own mind...to be patient with my kids emotions...it is ok to feel sad, frustrated, happy, etc....let him express those things without guilt or shame...keeping secrets is not healthy...lots of things...need to be brought into the light....it is ok to ask for help...love is not something you withhold from someone bc you are upset with them. True love is unconditional with your child...it is ok to let them know you aren't happy with a certain behavior, but...they always need to know that you love them....I have learned about responsibility and accountability...you must invest time and energy into this relationship...for the benefit to pay off....I have learned empathy, compassion and forgiveness....Forgiveness of ourselves is far more difficult than our ability to forgive others....

Seriously - what a great list to meditate on! I love the example of your son offering forgiveness to his friend ... I never cease to be amazed at how much live teaches us. And how amazing we can LEARN from the "parables" in our path.

~S2B

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@shrinkingviolet ... oh dear, another really great snapshot of WISDOM, here! Thank you for expounding! I tend to be such a "big picture" gal, and these posts (from everyone above!) have helped me seize on to the HOPE of the good while also cultivating PATIENCE in myself, with myself, with my man, etc.

Another great series of reflections:

...to trust my instincts as a parent, to truly listen to my daughters when they are talking and sharing their feelings...to be honest with them about my strengths and weaknesses....to really pay attention when my girls talk to me and ask questions....I also never invalidate their feelings so they will never feel that they don't matter...Communication is so important, I ask about their friends, school etc., the little stuff so some day they will share the big too....I let them see me cry, have bad days, get frustrated and sometimes lose my temper by yelling, but apologize after....I taught them very early no one had the right to touch their body, adult or child and they have every right to do whatever it takes to defend themselves....They know I am emotional, which can be good or bad but I daily proclaim I am not perfect (not as an excuse but a truth), so they never think I expect them to be....I tell them daily how much I love them and that nothing will ever change this....I rarely make promises (things can come up) so this way they can trust me....The most important thing to me as a parent is for my children to feel safe and loved.

My man is VERY careful to make promises - or even commitments, when it comes to that. He is highly aware that life is series of always changing conditions - he is VERY adaptable as a result, and he is far more confident when his underlying presuppositions are challenged, because he's been forced to reinvent himself many times. This can be very frustrating for me, but it has also taught me what it looks like to be BRAVE and BOLD and FEARLESS - in the best possible ways.

I would echo - our greatest themes in discussions so far almost always land on some variation of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and our child/children being confident they are SAFE because we did (will do) everything we can to PROTECT them ... as well as EQUIPPING them to handle life's many challenges, which we hope to teach them without making them shy to face a challenge, or creating the same kinds of fears/timidity that my man and I struggled with in our varied upbringings. We don't want to keep SECRETS, we want to nurture our child's TRUST, but we're trying to find the balance of that with also figuring out how to teach them that some things are so precious and private they should be guarded/protected (in the area of sexuality). I was seriously sexually repressed for a variety of reasons, and my man was the extreme opposite ... Perhaps we can marry the best of both of our experiences while protecting them from repeating the worst ....

So much good content, here. Thank you, again!

~S2B