Psychological Block?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Since I came back from a brilliant stay away I haven't been able to sleep in my bed. So I rolled out my sleeping bag (the one I used whilst away) and slept on the floor. Several nights passed this way and I thought finally that this was more than clinging on to my little break. Especially as I realised that I was unable to sit on it as well. Is this a psychological block over being home, is it to do with the past (I stopped sleeping in my bed at my father's after the abuse took a more severe turn), or is it caused by something else entirely and how do I get over it?

Yesterday I perched on it just to try and reach something on the other side of it and I dissociated almost immediately. I had a different part of me come forward filled with anger and hatred and darkness, that's the second time she's come forward this week, she hates us so much. I don't remember anything between about five and half ten, which was when I found myself back on the floor with dental floss tightly wrapped around my left hand, leaving deep red impressions and the rest of my skin white where the circulation had drained away. The marks should be gone in a few days or a week so it's not too bad.

Will I be able to sleep in my bed again? I feel permanently resigned to sleeping on the floor, it doesn't really bother me as I'm thinking of how I find the floor comfy (plus I can't roll off of it!), and how much more spacious my room would be if I got rid of my bed, but it's not normal.

How can I help this angry little girl? Someone else inside told me I had to be the one to help her, but I don't know how, what does that even mean?! She barely hurt me to what she wanted to, she wanted to scratch my skin off, to cut me, to damage my eyes. She wanted to hurt me but she wanted to hurt herself at the same time. She needs help even more than I do and that's saying something!! But on a serious note, I am concerned.

 

[I Can Do This]

I hope you are in therapy because getting to "know" your little girl self may be frightening for you and you need to be safe and guided. It is a process of healing that will help you feel like you can trust yourself to make good decisions. That you won't be hurt by those decisions. Right now, you don't feel you can trust yourself. Your "little girl self" is still you - it is not another personality. It is your subconscious wound.

As you know, the answer is not to sleep on the floor - the answer is to find help so that you can learn to trust yourself and feel safe - knowing that you can protect yourself if need be. When you gain that strength - you will free yourself from much of what holds you back.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I appreciate your answer, however if I'm completely honest I find it a little frustrating - I know I need help, but until it is available I come here, because that is literally all I have. I may however have misunderstood what you meant or how you meant it. I find it floaty - no offense intended, maybe it's just because I'm not very spiritual. And honestly I'm more grateful that you took the time, than bothered by the answer.

I am not in therapy I've been in a waiting list since last August, although in February was changed to a new list for long term (rather than 8 week) therapy. I am waiting, assured that I am now at the top of the list - next in line. My phone is never far from reach (despite the fact that I hate the thing) and I'm waiting for it, because I know my life cannot progress until I have that guided help.

She may not be another personality (plus I don't use that term for any of us, I believe we started out as parts of me, therefore we are parts of me - hence I use the term part not personality), I'm pretty sure she is but some of the us are - there are 14 of us that I know about (including her and me).

I thought no one knew about any of us but my sisters already knew many of us when I told them recently - as did my mum, yet despite the fact that she has said it's amazing the amount I can change in a second and do things that I haven't been able to do for years, the fact that I can't remember she puts down to stress and then denies the possibility that these parts exist. Odder still is her denial when she recognises some of them by name. Worse still I deny them a lot and that really rocks the boat and causes so many more problems.

My social worker has acknowledged us as well, not only because I told him but because apparently he has seen me change and has booked me an appointment in June to see my psychiatrist about an official diagnosis, because apparently she tried talking to me last time about dissociative disorders but I blanked her. I was terrified at the time that anyone might notice that I would have probably tried hiding it anyway.

So maybe she isn't a personality, maybe she's not even a separate part of me but I'm fairly sure she is for a whole load of reasons.

Sorry if that came across as angry, it wasn't meant to.

 

[I Can Do This]

No - you don't sound angry. You sound frustrated and I understand that! It sounds like you are dealing with much more than just PTSD, and I'm sorry. I don't know how to help you with anything other than PTSD. I think it is very smart and courageous to seek help on this site if that is all that is available to you. I always hope that everyone can get therapy because I beleive in it so strongly, it helps so much to have that therapist to connect with.

What country do you live in? Why is there a waiting list for therapy?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

OMG, thanks - yes, I am frustrated - but not at you.

I live in the UK, the NHS works in a set way and I can't afford private counselling. Surprisingly I was put on the fast track for the first lot of counselling, but I found out 5 months later that it was only for 8 weeks and I'd have to give up my social worker because they were from the same group - some office politics there?! My social worker gave me a bit of not yet known info, and told me that another counselling group were moving down to the place where I see him but are from another group, so I wouldn't have to give him up and they were a long term service, I switched to them.

So far they have been faster in some aspects, but after the assessment session I've still been waiting with no information. I've chased them up twice each time to be told that I was nearing, and then last time I was at the top of the list. Yet that was three weeks ago and I haven't heard from them again. I know I need help. I need help more than I need any other thing in my life right now. I'm in such a bad place and I can't cope anymore - but what choice do I have - so I'm reading and learning and trying to keep going until the therapy comes.

 

[I Can Do This]

I really feel you there - when I was feeling really cracked up I had to get a new counselor that dealt with trauma because mine just didn't know what to do anymore. It was horrible - I felt like I was white knuckling my way through the day minute by minute. Very difficult to describe so I do understand how this adds to your anxiety.

Keep writing if that helps you - I will do my best to respond so you don't feel alone in this.