PTSD And Sex

[kitkat]

I have a question for any woman that might understand what I'm talking about. Does your ptsd ever affect your sex life? I love my husband more than anything, he's my world and we have a healthy, strong, close marriage. Problem is, I've been raped multiple times in the past and when my husband and I have sex, it hurts so bad I cant even go through with it sometimes. He's always been understanding of my problems and always here for me through my hard times of coping with flashbacks and I love him more than anything. I don't want him to think that it has something to do with how I feel about him cause it don't.....I fall in love with him more and more everyday and he's the best husband a woman could ever have. I'm confused. Advice from anyone that can relate to what I'm talking about is appreciated greatly.
PS Sometimes during sex I get flashbacks and start to feel disgusting, tighten up and just want to cry.

 

[Thornyrose]

Recently I had flashbacks too - similar problem. Only I couldn't be honest with my partner about what was happening - too angry at my body for making the link, and too sad that it was happening when I was with my man. Even though I didn't say what was happening, it was obvious that something was wrong - I couldn't stop shaking and crying and I felt sick, disgusting and horrible, my body froze completely and I absolutely wanted to die. (If I could have killed myself right there and then I know I would have done).

I guess it happened because I recently spoke to my councellor about being raped and had told no-one except my partner since it happened. I have to say that I don't want to understand it, I hate it and it makes me feel physically sick.

Since it happened I have almost always been afraid of saying no because if I tell myself all sex is consentual and take myself somewhere else in my mind if I feel unsafe during sex, then I can't ever be raped again.

Thing is, because of other stuff I've gone through, I feel like I can't ask my partner to stop if I get a flashback, because he has a right to have sex with me (even though I know it would upset him if I told him that), I'm just terrified that if I was to ask him to stop he would reject me as a person and leave me. Or that he would finally see through me and realise that I am scum.

I can't give you any advice, but in a weird way I think that maybe knowing that a similar thing is happening to someone else might help.

 

[kitkat]

Thanks! It does help to have other people to talk to going through the same thing. I feel so nasty and disgusting sometimes and then I start crying or shaking at the thought of why I feel like that. I've been raped alot and beat up by my exes and I'm still messed up over it...it's like they do it over and over because of all the flash backs I have. I see faces in my head and hear every little noise. I get startled so easily and wake up at the drop of a hat. I was talking to my Dad a few weeks ago about some stuff that happend to me and I started shaking and balling my eyes out half way through. I check the locks on the doors and windows constantly....sometimes I look at the lock over and over to make sure it's locked even though I see that it is. It's like my mind says "are you "sure it's" locked. I could go on and on.....I know what your feeling.

 

[FightingLily]

October903,
I have periods when I can have and really enjoy sex, but 80% of the time I don't want to be touched. I fully disclosed this and having PTSD in the beginning of our relationship and it's been a year and a half so far.

At times my partner gets annoyed but OH WELL. I have explained to him : that it is not him, what has happened to me, and if he doesn't understand or takes it personal- tough luck. Why have sex when I will be unable to enjoy it? Doesn't it cause more damage to your mental state and self esteem to lay there and take it when you really don't want it? Yes I love him, but there are times I will not have sex, especially when stress and anxiety are high. I too tend to have flashbacks during sex and will stop in the middle of it. He can finish all by himself if he needs the release badly enough...

Thornyrose,
Learn to say "No" . If you can't say no in your personal life within your relationship, you aren't protecting yourself from more undue stress and you'll end up mentally associating your partner with the trauma. Why isn't your partner reading your cues? I suspect he is the initiator, right? YOU need to be the initiator for YOU to be comfortable. YOU have every right to tell him to stop, it is after all your body. If he rejects you or leaves you, what would you be losing? Someone who wasn't considerate enough of your condition and who's own crotch dictated the relationship.... Do you really want that?
Best Wishes Ladies,
Lily

 

[catjudo]

I also have times when I want and enjoy sex and then other times when just the thought is unbearable. I've struggled with giving in and having sex with my husband sometimes even when I didn't want to but FightingLily is right, that just does more damage to my mental health.

My T recently suggested that I talk to my husband about, at least for awhile, him not being the initiator. I think we were in this cycle where he would initiate and I would get all of these negative feelings, feel disgusting if I did have sex, etc. and then those feelings and thoughts would stay with me for days/weeks at a time which would turn me off of sex even more. My husband agreed to leave the initiating up to me and so far so good. But this is still pretty new. I don't think it's the perfect, forever solution but I do think it will be helpful for now while I'm working on my trauma stuff.

 

[nic]

Sex is my #1 PTSD issue, which totally sucks because I want to be in a relationship, want to get married, want to have kids. Sex is VERY painful for me (both physically and emotionally). I try to dissociate, to just get through it, but sometimes even that doesn't work. I try to hide the anxiety, (even when the partner I'm with knows about it), but a lot of times they can see right through me.

I date quite a bit...but often only first and second dates. I have a date this Saturday with this guy whom I really like talking to, but I'm scared as all hell that I'll like him, because that means I'll eventually have to deal with the whole sex thing.

I've tried talking to therapists and GYNs about this issue, but nothing ever really works to make it go away...(at least not for me).

 

[Thornyrose]

October903
Can you talk to your husband about your reactions to sex? Is there something specific you both do / he does that triggars you which you could talk about in a safe (non-sexual) environment and make sure that you avoid those things later during sex?

I understand how upsetting it can be to make the link between sex with someone you trust, and rape, because actually we both know that they are two completely seperate acts. (easy to say but hard to actually get the brain to respond accordingly I know!!!)

Lily
You sound like you are strong - enough to say no and not carry on with something that hurts.

Yes, it is usually him that initiates sex and I am fairly sure that because I am so cut off emotionally it is sometimes just a physical release for him - that is when the flashbacks/reactions get worse; it's not illogical, but by that time I feel out of control and scared and don't want to say no in case he won't stop - even though he genuinely would never willingly hurt me, I guess in my head I get him and the man who raped me mixed up because of the physical stuff, and I am so scared I can't do anything...

As for learning to say NO that's a major problem in my life - I know that I have to sort this out because I am basically placing myself in a subservient position to every human being that I meet, and making myself a doormat and scapegoat for lots of people around me (especially at work).

Its so bad sometimes that even a minor conflict (sometimes imagined / paranoia?) can result in my fearing violent attack, and feeling as though the other person is 100% entitled to kill me if I don't go along with what they say or often do their work for them.

Crockett
I may try to talk to my man about my being the 'initiator' for a while - I'm not sure how he will take it though. But it sounds like it may help in the short term if I can get him to understand. Problem may be that I am also terrified that if I try to initiate sex he will refuse and I will feel horribly rejected (back to old cycle of feeling disgusting and wanting to self-harm etc etc). Not sure if I am brave enough to start things, so we may be celibate for a while if we try that approach!

 

[2quilt]

I have the same problem, and I just cant get aroused. Husband is disappointed, but i offer to take him out for ice cream instead, and he's happy.

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm single, so I don't have to worry about this problem at the moment. The last time I was in a relationship, problems came up (I was raped and have low self confidence and low self esteem etc, so find sex a major issue).

I started reading a book called "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz. Unfortunately the relationship fell apart before I had chance to put anything I'd learnt into practice. So, while I can't say that this book has helped me, it might be something to consider. I found it on Amazon. It's a small paperback, so not overly expensive.

 

[Anonymoose]

Yes, any sex triggers me, even solo sex. There's a book by Staci Haines called The Survivor's Guide to Sex. I find it quite helpful. She's also written Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma.

 

[Marlene]

This has been an issue for me for quite a while now. I wish I could find a way to make this go away. Since having a flashback while making love to my husband I've had to battle myself and my mind whenever we're intimate. What was one of life's pleasures has become one of life's battles for me. A battle to keep the memories at bay, a battle to keep myself in the here and now. For the longest time I had little or no desire. Now that the desire has come back a little, it's actually become worse for me.

Lisa

 

[Auburngirl]

I find this really hard too, the longer in between the harder. I also have flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociate, etc. It's really stressful and hard to explain. I've had panic attacks coinciding with my partner climaxing, which is a pretty horrible experience. The best resource I've found online is something called 'Good Sex After Bad' which is a chapter in something called the Guide to getting it on (I think). I've found having other stimuli (music, the lights on so I can see my partner's face) helps. But hey, it's hard. Thanks for posting on this.