J
JAC1507
Hi, this is my first time on this message board/website. Recently I lost my job and due to some legal issues and I've been struggling to deal with this new, and recent development. As a result of these changes I recently applied for and was given unemployment which was a breath of fresh air however as a result of the financial strain of these conditions, I have been struggling a bit with my mental health. I've come to realize that I suffer from PTSD related to to death of my brother from 14 (2008/2009) years ago after he was killed, In addition my mother after having struggled with dealing with his death succumbed to a series of strokes as a result of her stress. While this was happening I was interviewing for graduate programs for a Ph.D. and had a hard time to be able to leave while my mom was in the hospital in a coma. This opportunity provided us for a lot of difficulties as she has been recovering for quite a few years but still requires around the clock care. In addition, trying to get her back home has been very tough due to the level of care that she requires and also due to the bills surrounding this care. As a result I was in graduate school, while returning home every weekend and worrying about government programs to take care of my mothers medical necessities. My dad was the sole bread winner for the family and managed to work long hours in addition to visiting my mom in the hospital/nursing home after his shift (for the first 3 years post stroke). These situations led me to develop a substance abuse problem which had been going on since 2009 where I was habitually drinking and smoking marijuana, this was the only way that I could get to sleep at the time. I felt a combination of guilt and anger at the time, anger at my brother for the circumstances of his death that lead to my mothers condition and guilt of having kept my mother on life support given her poor recovery.
To the current time, we still have to take care of my mom with the help of an at home nurse which makes my dads life and retirement more bearable.
The substance abuse issue was on going for many years and followed me next jobs and life as I finished graduate school. I moved back home where I was able to get a job at a local university, and as a result of entering into a hostile work environment and having gotten back together with friends who were enablers of these bad vices, I was really struggling in my first year there. I was lucky enough to have met my girlfriend at the time and she offered me a window to try to recover and improve my demeanor which was great but seeing as how we worked in the same environment I unfortunately put her through a lot of stress as I would return home and jump into a 6 pack of beer and smoking a joint. In 2017/2018 she recommended that I seek therapy to try to overcome my issues, but being a stubborn and hard headed person, I ignored her golden advice and continued to ignore my issues. After being unemployed for a year following this job opportunity, I got a new job at another university and moved away while maintaining a long distance relationship. We afforded ourselves weekends to see each other but they were often plagued with issues as our 1-2 day weekends would usually end up with me having drank very heavily where she never touched a drop of alcohol. She eventually moved in with me once she finished her graduate program. We grew accustomed to working long hours with each other and were overall happy minus my bad vices that continued. I switched jobs two times and as the work load got increasingly intense I continued to drink and would often go from working in my home office to drinking in the living room at watching tv and would infrequently make it to bed with my girlfriend. These opportunities allowed me full control of my tv viewing and I often found myself watching sad movies related to family, or the loss of a family member which frequently brought me to tears. It was an odd situation as I would frequently watch and rewatch these movies despite being aware of the feelings of sadness and depression that they would invoke in me. Finally, I came to a point where I was let go from my job and as a result of the financial struggle, I have stopped my vices, however now with having lost my job, the many worries that I have for my parents and girlfriend, including the potential legal issues I may face in the future, I'm in a terrible place and have found myself with severe anxiety, depression, sadness, and an immense fear of losing my family as a result of such complications that may arise down the line.
To the current time, we still have to take care of my mom with the help of an at home nurse which makes my dads life and retirement more bearable.
The substance abuse issue was on going for many years and followed me next jobs and life as I finished graduate school. I moved back home where I was able to get a job at a local university, and as a result of entering into a hostile work environment and having gotten back together with friends who were enablers of these bad vices, I was really struggling in my first year there. I was lucky enough to have met my girlfriend at the time and she offered me a window to try to recover and improve my demeanor which was great but seeing as how we worked in the same environment I unfortunately put her through a lot of stress as I would return home and jump into a 6 pack of beer and smoking a joint. In 2017/2018 she recommended that I seek therapy to try to overcome my issues, but being a stubborn and hard headed person, I ignored her golden advice and continued to ignore my issues. After being unemployed for a year following this job opportunity, I got a new job at another university and moved away while maintaining a long distance relationship. We afforded ourselves weekends to see each other but they were often plagued with issues as our 1-2 day weekends would usually end up with me having drank very heavily where she never touched a drop of alcohol. She eventually moved in with me once she finished her graduate program. We grew accustomed to working long hours with each other and were overall happy minus my bad vices that continued. I switched jobs two times and as the work load got increasingly intense I continued to drink and would often go from working in my home office to drinking in the living room at watching tv and would infrequently make it to bed with my girlfriend. These opportunities allowed me full control of my tv viewing and I often found myself watching sad movies related to family, or the loss of a family member which frequently brought me to tears. It was an odd situation as I would frequently watch and rewatch these movies despite being aware of the feelings of sadness and depression that they would invoke in me. Finally, I came to a point where I was let go from my job and as a result of the financial struggle, I have stopped my vices, however now with having lost my job, the many worries that I have for my parents and girlfriend, including the potential legal issues I may face in the future, I'm in a terrible place and have found myself with severe anxiety, depression, sadness, and an immense fear of losing my family as a result of such complications that may arise down the line.
