Relationship Ptsd Just Sucks.

[Sephira]

Sephira is mad, and frustrated and bleh..! I just need to vent guys. My boyfriend and I had been doing so well! So, so well! I set boundaries, he listened.. it was great. He had to move today and won't hve an internet connection for 5 weeks.This totally stresses me because until he comes home, skype is the only way we can communicate. In the past during long lapses in contact like this one, he virtually disappears.

Sooo.. my ex and his crazy psycho wife are telling my son I'm a liar and that I don't care about him. I won't go into it, it's messy. Suffice it to say, he's alienating my child which is a violation of the custody order. And.. hearing my son call me a liar makes me sad and angry and feel like crap because it isn't true.

On a stress and unhappiness scale, I'm like at a 9 which is bad because I'm usually really upbeat and optimistic.I emailed my boyfriend expecting advice, support and love-normal boyfriend things. Turns out this morning he locked himself inside his apartment and had to break the lock to get out. So he's stressed because he was late to work and he has to replace his lock.

He sent me an email back saying I'd have to manage alone for a while, he'll chat when he can.I have read Anthony's PTSD cup explanation-I get it, I really do.Sometimes though, I just get so damn mad and wanna scream anyway though. It's so hard for me to get why a broken door lock trumps my broken heart at the moment and how he can be so apathetic after being so sweet earlier in the day. How he can avoid contact for days and be okay with it when I sit here missing him, trying not to be miserable alone. Tonight he'll go out with his friends and I'll wish he were talking to me.

Nicolette or Amethist posted a quote on her that went something like " Someone should never be your priority when you're only their option." My big problem I think is.. how do I tell if it's PTSD or I'm only an option. Either way though, it sucks and hurts.

Anyway guys, I'm ending my rant. Thanks for listening.

 

[confused]

Sorry to hear things are so tough Sephira:(

My own story mirrors yours. My partner (or should I say ex?) is in the middle of a very bad time, and is doing exposure therapy for his combat ptsd.

He told me last week that he can't commit to a relationship right now (we've been together 18 months),and although he loves me, and i'm the best friend he ever had, that he needed to break up.

We had no contact for several days, but he responded when i texted him to see if he was okay (promptly-which recently is not the pattern), and when I asked to see him for a coffee yesterday, he agreed. Told me he's still in love with me, but doesn't think he'll ever be able to give me the relationship I want and deserve (his words).

No contact today:(

I feel like crap. I've lost 10% of my body weight in the last month, because the stress is just so taxing.

I love this man, but also struggle with the fact that it's all give and no take lately on the relationship side.

It's hard to not feel taken for granted. I am trying to be supportive, but sometimes it feels like everything I do to try to support him is wrong.

Sorry for whingeing :) I hope your situation improves Sephira.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Hey Sephira,

Rant away girl. Shout and bloody scream!

Trust me, I feel the same sometimes... and then a couple of days later they say something nice, out of the blue, and all the stress just melts away like mist before the sun.

This rollercoaster can make us suffer just as bad as they do. Except we have to be the strong ones, because we don't have a diagnosis... yeah right! We just have to suck it up! Right!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[iluvdesserts]

So sorry to hear this. Sometimes we supporters do feel like options.

 

[topflite]

And a lot of the time (well at least for me), not even an option.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Have a jolly good rant!

Oh, Sephira, the second I read:

He had to move today

I knew you were in for a hard time. Change breeds anxiety for anyone and the risk of it causing a flare for a sufferer is increased by several magnitudes.

A couple of years ago we had a new bathroom put in. Knowing my beloved as I do, I factored in to the budget a week's stay in a hotel. He cannot cope with change or disruption to his environment and enters a cycle of withdrawal/anger/nightmares.

I know it feels as if all your good work has been in vain, but don't despair. It might even be good for him to do some coping on his own?

If he is going out with friends, could you do likewise? Get a bit of R&R and blow out some cobwebs?

 

[Sephira]

Hi everyone!!! Sorry it has taken so long to reply-I had a massive paper due and needed to get it done! Sooo...he talked to me Thursday morning and was extremely harsh saying he's sick of me being a broken, taped together person and I need to get my life together. Then I asked him what I could do to help him with his stress, and he said "Leave me the F*** alone." So, I have. No messages this weekend from me, and nothing from him.

He's going to call me on the way to work tomorrow, and ask what I did and how I am. If I'm not all upbeat, and happy it'll trigger him sure as hell. In reality, I spent the last few days relaxing, cooking and watching movies...anotherwords at home like always. I feel really taken for granted though.Like he knows I'll always be there and expects I'll stay home. Thinking of telling him I went out clubbing with my friends in a nearby city instead. What do you guys think?

 

[amethist]

Hi Sephira

Your boyfriend does not own you, and you can do what you like. As long as you are happy doing what ever you do, then keep doing it. If you want to stay home and tell him that, then fine, if you stay home, but tell him you have been out, them that should be OK too. It is also fine for you to actually go out with your friends. Why should you be there if he expects it, you have a life too, so live it.


It is not up to you to keep him happy, it is up to him to take care of himself, and to take responsibility of his own issues. Not always easy, but this is how it should be.

This is just my opinion, but one I have had to learn myself. I may be married to my sufferer, but he does not own me.

Take care of you first for a while.

 

[ProudWife99]

Thinking of telling him I went out clubbing with my friends in a nearby city instead. What do you guys think?

A couple years ago this was the million dollar question for me. Do I tell him I was with my mom trying not to get tears all over my pizza or that I was having a blast without him? I went with the truth. When he asked what I did last night when I came home to grab my phone charger I said "I worked on teaching myself how to be happy without you." and left. That is what I was doing, taking care of me. It just didn't involve leaving the safe place of my Mom's house.

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I wish there was a handbook telling us how to handle these situations and am sorry I can't be much help.

 

[iluvdesserts]

I agree w/Proudwife, I tell the truth. It's easier in the long run. Lies get folks into trouble.

 

[JohnJohn]

Sephira,

I Hope things have improved a little for you by now. I am in a similar, but different boat with my wife. Every day is different with some days better than others. Right now I feel like we are going through the “I am mad at the husband for everything phase.”

Don’t get me wrong, I am sure I have done some incorrect and inconsiderate things to retaliate against my wife’s behavior in the past, but I thought it was all her not maybe something else in her past. Besides it is hard to help anyone unless the root of the problem and good communication exists.

I know it is tough watching loved ones go off and not communicate to us what is going on. Not knowing how they are and the status of the relationship just disrupts our ability to have mental peace and stability of any kind.

Hang in there Sephira. You are not alone and PTSD, or any trauma that adversely haunts our loved ones and makes us all relive past negative emotions, truly does suck.

We can not change the past and if we and our loved ones can not move past that then we are all stuck reliving the pain in the past. We can move forward easier than our suffering loved ones and only remain behind with them trying to get them to move forward, to a future we all hope to make better than our past.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think non-sufferers should stay in the present. They can leave the ptsd (and the person) behind at any time. Lots of times sufferers leave because they know it's better for them (the 'carers').
Well, it seems best for them.