I'm new to the forum and here to find support. (I did introduce myself already in the introduction forum, but I wanted to share in this section). I was in an abusive marriage for 17 years and was only able to get out safely by running and hiding in a women's shelter.
I lost my kids because the abuser cut me off from everything and everyone who could help me--including my mom. He had a lawyer and I had nobody to represent me, so I lost everything. I have sense done what I could to put my life together.
I am only able to hold down a job because I can choose the hours I work, which enables me to work around my PTSD meltdowns. I don't have co-workers and most of my jobs are in secluded settings, so on bad days I can cry when I'm working if I can get myself to work.
My life partner is the business owner and my PTSD is a strain on our relationship via personal and the business side of things. We have a really good relationship in many ways, but like everyone we have our issues. The only thing is that we don't seem to be able to resolve anything effectively, so the same issues just keep resurfacing no matter what I do.
Now not only do I have PTSD attacks about my old life, losing the kids, and the ex still attempting to abuse me via emails and brainwashing my kids--but now I have triggers in the relationship because of the newer traumas. However, I and everyone reading this knows it's all like one big soup of pain and trauma and it's all the same, different situations but it all stems from the same panic and pain.
My partner has not done anything to learn about PTSD until last night, so I am hopeful that he will want to be a support to me instead of triggering episodes to become worse than they need to be by saying and doing allt he wrong things. I have stayed with him through so much over the last 2.5 years of our 3.5 year relationship.
Although his actions that have started and perpetuated the trauma in this relationship were (from my last experience) thought to be abusive, it was not his nature. He's loving and kind, gentle, all so many things that were lacking in my ex. So in a situation I would have been like oh no not again! My gut has told me to stay, that this is not my partners real nature and I've never had my gut instinct mislead me--especially when my gut was screaming for years for me to get out fo the last relationship. We would discuss our issues and come up with resolutions and then a few weeks later, he'd break all our agreements.
I suspected for a year that something was going on with his memory and could possibly be the reason for all this confusion, but I kept telling myself that it couldn't be that with him being so young still (57). However, this past winter, we went to Asia together. Prior to leaving, we made one big relational agreement and applied it everyday. During the trip, we made three more. That pretty much solved all our ongoing issues and I was really happy and at peace. I knew our relationship would not be perfect, but I was happy that we'd taken the steps to resolve what had been so horrid to go through for so long.
When we came home, my partner immediately went to England to see his family for three weeks. So jet lag to the max after a long winter of trekking, and then a major schedule change on top of that--all the triggers for a person with alzheimers to have a meltdown too. In his time away from me and all the triggers, he forgot all our agreements and how they'd even brought harmony to the relationship. :( That was when I knew for sure beyond a doubt something more was going on here.
I love him more than I"ve ever thought was possible to love someone and I know he's the only man on the planet for me, so i am here for him through all it takes. I can't say that this is not a struggle for me and that it doesn't bring on major major meltdowns.
My partner, to me, has let on that he's in denial about his condition and refused to get tested. His mum is currently suffering from the disease and he's seeing it first hand with her. I can't even begin to understand what that must be like for him.
I've been going through my own stuff with my ex moving the kids out of state and that they are so brainwashed that they don't even want to see me or have a relationship with me, so I've been really going through it hard for the past week. Being served the papers for his transfer request from the court and having to consult a lawyer has brought ALL the trauma back from when I was trying to hide from him and divorce him.
In this time, my partner has been going through his own stuff quietly, believing he has alz and keeping it from me that he's wondering. I only know this now because my friend and supporter (a man who's taking care of his wife with alz told me that my man confessed that to him during some guy time last week and that he's thinking about getting tested). Before I knew all this, things between us have really really been coming to a head! He made it seem to me that he wanted me to leave the house for four weeks to give him space to look at himself in terms of the relationship and go to counseling/etc to get in a better place. In one breath, he'd tell me that it was only four weeks and he wanted me back afterward, it was just so he could have space. However, at other times he's told me to have hope that he might want to continue the relationship.
I am terrified! We're not married, the land is his, and I work for his business--if this relationship were to be over, I would be out with nothing just like with my ex 3 years ago. Talk about revisiting the same old trauma all over again! I am not against him having space, I see nothing wrong with a partner asking for some space. It's healthy. But he's asking me to leave my home for four weeks when I have nowhere to go. He will have all his creature comforts and I will not nothing. I have cried and cried and cried some more telling him that i want to give him what he needs because I love him so much, but that what he's asking of me is so painful. Don't get me wrong, he's not some jerk screaming at me to get out, he's crying with me and telling me how much he loves me and he's worried for me during this time, but that he needs this for him and for us. I have been so angry and thinking of him as being so selfish to do this until I learned just what he's got going on inside him.
I wish he'd pay for a place for me to stay and that I'd have some say in this just like I'd like some say in the relationship via our issues. Now I see why being in control and wanting to have the say of what's going on has been so important to him all this time, he's seeing that he's losing control in his life and that terrifies him. I don't think he's realizing he's taking it out on me in that way--I really don't. I don't think he can see that it is effecting me as much as it is because he's so terrified.
So that's the short of it. I have just joined here because I need support. I don't have many friends in RL. I did at one time in between leaving the ex and a year ago, but I just got tired of everyones vibe of "get over it" or etc. I felt like everyone was thinking I was emotionally unstable and I hate it when people act like I'm crazy.
During this four weeks, it is going to be really hard for me. I will see him for the two days a week we work togehter, but nothing more. I will still do all the normal jobs on my own, working a homebase biz w/o even being at my home and I just don't know how I'm going to go about getting the right tools and etc for each job when I'm not supposed to be at the house. ???? makes no sense to me.
I wish I could just take off on a nice long road trip across country and visit my family, but my mother is convinced (via my ex) that I have major psychological issues and that I've turned out just like my aunt who was an embezzler, shopping/credit addict, and a sex addict! I am NON OF THAT. So in short, I have no where to go. I would have liked for my partner to have paid for me to stay in a rental cabin or etc for me during this time since it is HIM who wants the space. That would seem more fair since my whole world is getting turned upsidedown.
I have struggled more than ever this week with thoughts of suicide. I am scared he will decide he doesn't want to be with me and I don't know if I can take that. He is the love of my life. We have agreed that we will both start counseling seperately and then have sessions together after the four weeks. I hope he doesn't forget he's promised that because he does if I'm not mentioning to him everyday things he's agreed to that are important to me. I've ordered a few books to read and pass the time while I'm not working and there's nothing for me to do. I am also ordering a laptop or I'd be havign to leave w/o a computer to access anyone who is in my support system. I am trying to do what I need to do for me. I even have give that PTSD workbook a go that I've been too scared to work in. I'm so scared, but I am really trying to be constructive and not lose it. But four weeks is a really long time and we've never been apart that long before.
I told him last night that I hope he finds what he needs to find for his life and I hope that includes me.
I lost my kids because the abuser cut me off from everything and everyone who could help me--including my mom. He had a lawyer and I had nobody to represent me, so I lost everything. I have sense done what I could to put my life together.
I am only able to hold down a job because I can choose the hours I work, which enables me to work around my PTSD meltdowns. I don't have co-workers and most of my jobs are in secluded settings, so on bad days I can cry when I'm working if I can get myself to work.
My life partner is the business owner and my PTSD is a strain on our relationship via personal and the business side of things. We have a really good relationship in many ways, but like everyone we have our issues. The only thing is that we don't seem to be able to resolve anything effectively, so the same issues just keep resurfacing no matter what I do.
Now not only do I have PTSD attacks about my old life, losing the kids, and the ex still attempting to abuse me via emails and brainwashing my kids--but now I have triggers in the relationship because of the newer traumas. However, I and everyone reading this knows it's all like one big soup of pain and trauma and it's all the same, different situations but it all stems from the same panic and pain.
My partner has not done anything to learn about PTSD until last night, so I am hopeful that he will want to be a support to me instead of triggering episodes to become worse than they need to be by saying and doing allt he wrong things. I have stayed with him through so much over the last 2.5 years of our 3.5 year relationship.
Although his actions that have started and perpetuated the trauma in this relationship were (from my last experience) thought to be abusive, it was not his nature. He's loving and kind, gentle, all so many things that were lacking in my ex. So in a situation I would have been like oh no not again! My gut has told me to stay, that this is not my partners real nature and I've never had my gut instinct mislead me--especially when my gut was screaming for years for me to get out fo the last relationship. We would discuss our issues and come up with resolutions and then a few weeks later, he'd break all our agreements.
I suspected for a year that something was going on with his memory and could possibly be the reason for all this confusion, but I kept telling myself that it couldn't be that with him being so young still (57). However, this past winter, we went to Asia together. Prior to leaving, we made one big relational agreement and applied it everyday. During the trip, we made three more. That pretty much solved all our ongoing issues and I was really happy and at peace. I knew our relationship would not be perfect, but I was happy that we'd taken the steps to resolve what had been so horrid to go through for so long.
When we came home, my partner immediately went to England to see his family for three weeks. So jet lag to the max after a long winter of trekking, and then a major schedule change on top of that--all the triggers for a person with alzheimers to have a meltdown too. In his time away from me and all the triggers, he forgot all our agreements and how they'd even brought harmony to the relationship. :( That was when I knew for sure beyond a doubt something more was going on here.
I love him more than I"ve ever thought was possible to love someone and I know he's the only man on the planet for me, so i am here for him through all it takes. I can't say that this is not a struggle for me and that it doesn't bring on major major meltdowns.
My partner, to me, has let on that he's in denial about his condition and refused to get tested. His mum is currently suffering from the disease and he's seeing it first hand with her. I can't even begin to understand what that must be like for him.
I've been going through my own stuff with my ex moving the kids out of state and that they are so brainwashed that they don't even want to see me or have a relationship with me, so I've been really going through it hard for the past week. Being served the papers for his transfer request from the court and having to consult a lawyer has brought ALL the trauma back from when I was trying to hide from him and divorce him.
In this time, my partner has been going through his own stuff quietly, believing he has alz and keeping it from me that he's wondering. I only know this now because my friend and supporter (a man who's taking care of his wife with alz told me that my man confessed that to him during some guy time last week and that he's thinking about getting tested). Before I knew all this, things between us have really really been coming to a head! He made it seem to me that he wanted me to leave the house for four weeks to give him space to look at himself in terms of the relationship and go to counseling/etc to get in a better place. In one breath, he'd tell me that it was only four weeks and he wanted me back afterward, it was just so he could have space. However, at other times he's told me to have hope that he might want to continue the relationship.
I am terrified! We're not married, the land is his, and I work for his business--if this relationship were to be over, I would be out with nothing just like with my ex 3 years ago. Talk about revisiting the same old trauma all over again! I am not against him having space, I see nothing wrong with a partner asking for some space. It's healthy. But he's asking me to leave my home for four weeks when I have nowhere to go. He will have all his creature comforts and I will not nothing. I have cried and cried and cried some more telling him that i want to give him what he needs because I love him so much, but that what he's asking of me is so painful. Don't get me wrong, he's not some jerk screaming at me to get out, he's crying with me and telling me how much he loves me and he's worried for me during this time, but that he needs this for him and for us. I have been so angry and thinking of him as being so selfish to do this until I learned just what he's got going on inside him.
I wish he'd pay for a place for me to stay and that I'd have some say in this just like I'd like some say in the relationship via our issues. Now I see why being in control and wanting to have the say of what's going on has been so important to him all this time, he's seeing that he's losing control in his life and that terrifies him. I don't think he's realizing he's taking it out on me in that way--I really don't. I don't think he can see that it is effecting me as much as it is because he's so terrified.
So that's the short of it. I have just joined here because I need support. I don't have many friends in RL. I did at one time in between leaving the ex and a year ago, but I just got tired of everyones vibe of "get over it" or etc. I felt like everyone was thinking I was emotionally unstable and I hate it when people act like I'm crazy.
During this four weeks, it is going to be really hard for me. I will see him for the two days a week we work togehter, but nothing more. I will still do all the normal jobs on my own, working a homebase biz w/o even being at my home and I just don't know how I'm going to go about getting the right tools and etc for each job when I'm not supposed to be at the house. ???? makes no sense to me.
I wish I could just take off on a nice long road trip across country and visit my family, but my mother is convinced (via my ex) that I have major psychological issues and that I've turned out just like my aunt who was an embezzler, shopping/credit addict, and a sex addict! I am NON OF THAT. So in short, I have no where to go. I would have liked for my partner to have paid for me to stay in a rental cabin or etc for me during this time since it is HIM who wants the space. That would seem more fair since my whole world is getting turned upsidedown.
I have struggled more than ever this week with thoughts of suicide. I am scared he will decide he doesn't want to be with me and I don't know if I can take that. He is the love of my life. We have agreed that we will both start counseling seperately and then have sessions together after the four weeks. I hope he doesn't forget he's promised that because he does if I'm not mentioning to him everyday things he's agreed to that are important to me. I've ordered a few books to read and pass the time while I'm not working and there's nothing for me to do. I am also ordering a laptop or I'd be havign to leave w/o a computer to access anyone who is in my support system. I am trying to do what I need to do for me. I even have give that PTSD workbook a go that I've been too scared to work in. I'm so scared, but I am really trying to be constructive and not lose it. But four weeks is a really long time and we've never been apart that long before.
I told him last night that I hope he finds what he needs to find for his life and I hope that includes me.
