PTSD Symptoms: Why Do We Sometimes Disrespect/Devalue Our Partners?

[LizBeth1]

Hi all,

I am new here and recently dx'ed with PTSD (child sexual abuse incident). I'm backtracking over my relationship and realizing that I've been mean to my boyfriend on many occasions. I really can't figure out why. For example, getting irked with some of his habits and being intolerant of them, observing his personal weaknesses and making comments about them (impatient ones - ie, why can't you get it together?), passing judgment on decisions he has made, etc. On the flip side, his kindness and compassion and his talent often bring up my own feelings of low self-worth. I probably feel threatened by these, and feelings of rejection come up.

I know that PTSD sufferers can hurt the ones they love, but I still don't truly know why. Can anyone relate to the above behaviors? Is it all based in "I reject myself and therefore am not able to extend unconditional love to anyone else?"

I'd love to hear your opinions. I feel like I can't start to work on this until I understand the dynamic.

Thanks :)

LizBeth

 

[ScubaChick]

Oh my goodness. I relate...100%. My poor boyfriend is also the target of 90% of my anger and frustrations. He is the greatest supporter of me and has been so understanding and gentle since my stroke but I keep yelling at him, picking at him and talking to him like he's a moron. We bicker and argue probably 5 out of 7 days a week about something...usually small stuff that bothers or upsets me. Sometimes I know that I make him feel like he can do nothing right. I understand too how his compassion and kindness can bring up issues of your own feelings of low self-worth etc. It's almost as if you feel less of a person because you don't have the ability to be like him. You're opposites almost. Make sense?

I wish I had an answer as to why or how this behaviour happens...but as I am going through the same thing I don't. I do find however that when I am flying off of the handle at him (or anyone for that matter) I am sometimes able to realize my wrong doings and back-track. I also find that removing myself from the room and taking a few moments for myself often helps. After that I am *usually* able to come back to him and calmly discuss what is upsetting me, which is usually something really dumb. :crazy: If not right away, I always make sure to come back and apologize at some point and try to thank him for being patient with me.:Hug_emoticon:

 

[somegirl]

Hi,

I do it too... guilty. What's worse is how I feel later on when I start thinking about how my boyfriend would never say to me the kinds of things that I've said to him. Nor would I be able to cope if he ever did. He pointed out to me that it feels like I'm "programmed to get angry at the man in my life". I found that helpful.

When he shows me his vulnerability or sets boundaries it helps to snap me out of it. It seems counter-intuitive but I start to feel more secure when I feel like he won't put up with that behavior out of me... it forces me to find another way to deal with how I'm feeling about myself/him but moreso about how I treat him in those instances. It stops me in my tracks and makes me feel less childish.

I used to feel like I had to push and push because I hadn't hurt him yet (?? if that makes sense), so I would say even more hurtful things. He seemed like he could take anything and I would dish it out. When he started to let me in on how hurtful I was being, I'd realize more quickly that I was acutally hurting someone I loved and that snapped me out of it sooner than before. As for boundaries, sometimes he'll get up and walk away or tell me "okay, that's enough". Not in a mean way, of course, but just enough to snap me out of it.

I don't know much about C-/PTSD yet, so I don't know how cliché any of this sounds. I just thought I would relate my experience.

I'd like to add one more thing I was reading about this morning. It was about Attachment Styles in adults. Anxious and Preoccupied attachment styles in particular seem to suffer lower self-image, have trust issues, etc. I mention it because when I was cutting my boyfriend down, it definitely felt like my insecurities talking. And maybe this form of abuse is about a measure of control in feeling like the partner cares because they now have to react to you cutting them down to size.

And maybe this makes no sense. I'll post anyway. I apologize if it isn't my place to make suppositions like this since I am too new here. I'll take the chance though :)

 

[Jade-]

I'm guilty of it too. It's one of the things I dislike most about myself. I don't even mean to do it, it's like once I get started, I can't stop.

Last year I hit my hubby and gave him a bloody nose. He cried because it hurt his feelings so bad. i didn't mean to do it, I just wanted him to hurt because I was hurting so bad I guess.( the one and only time I have hit him)

He tries so hard to make me happy, yet I always find fault in everything he says and does.