Pushing myself too hard to get better

[somerandomguy]

Thanks all, quite helpful.

At work, I make lists of what I need to do that day, and have a secondary long term list. That honestly hasn't worked out over the last year I've been going through trauma therapy, but lately I've been noticing that I've been able to get back to close to doing my previous giant amounts of work. I wonder if doing something like that for my personal life would work, too.

After sleeping on it, I think my main problem is the judgment I have of myself if I can't be perfect in both my work and my personal life. In my work life it isn't much of an issue because I either get something done or I don't. But my personal life is more slippery. Outside of stuff like writing, where I either get what I'm writing done or not, how do you judge what is, say, enough family time every day? Enough sleep? Enough chores? Enough self-care time? Because there's no real number attached to those things, it's super easy for me to judge myself that I just didn't do "enough" of those things.

Maybe having a loose list like Wendell and blocking times out like Friday would help. This is turning out to be more complicated than I expected. But I think at least I'm understanding what the problem actually is.

 

[The Albatross]

@somerandomguy "I know part of my issue is my perfectionism, and that "I need to be perfect" is a core belief I have."
The full lecture 1992, Albert Ellis (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy):

 

[Rani G2]

Meanwhile, though, I feel demoralized and useless. Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Any advice?

@somerandomguy... yeah
Thought I did the work... and one trigger and I landed back on the Trauma landscape...now I am asking myself... you did so much work and then, your reaction was weak and not „ideal“. Working my way through...

 

[ILoveLife]

Albatross's video is great. Ellis really helped me innadvertedly with perfectionism. Thing starts with acceptance really. Have you read Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach? Great book. Anyway, thing with perfectionism is feeling we're not good enough, we always need to do better, be better, more than what we are. Great for evolutionary purposes, terrible for morale :D

If we are able to separate the waters, so to speak, moses the whole thing and decide: Harmony of the universe is perfect with it's imperfections, we're most likely to feel whole in ourselves with the thought that we are enough. If we separate ourselves from the whole feeling we're somehow defective (with the very tricky caveat that that implies that others are not), and we do a sort of mental list of what we value in ourselves - it doesn't really make up for it, but it helps us accept ourselves - it's easier to go with the idea that it's ok to be imperfect, everyone and everything is. Imperfection is not evil, it's just part of what makes up our perceptive reality.

 

[alwaysworkingthruit]

I'm tired of PTSD. I'd really like to get on with the rest of my life, or at least figuring out what the rest of my life will look like. I've been trying to do some things that are really important to me that have turned out to be pretty triggering, and it makes me sad and upset.

My therapist compared it to going up a flight of steps. You can't get from the bottom to the top in one step. That's true, but I'd like to be able to be up at least a few steps up from where I seem to be right now.

I know part of my issue is my perfectionism, and that "I need to be perfect" is a core belief I have. I'm trying to deal with it, and also plan to do some EMDR on it in the future. Meanwhile, though, I feel demoralized and useless. Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Any advice?

I dont know if I have great advice for you, but I do understand what you are going through. Hoping this helps you realize you are not alone

 

[Sideways]

Getting into mens SA support is a recurring theme for you, and I’m guessing that’s what you’re writing about?

It makes sense to me that there are no relevant support group or charitable services around you. But...

What if, instead of starting from scratch, you aim to expand the services of those around you?

Start small. A reachout service for sexual assault is mostly going to be directed at women. Vans that hands out dinners to people sleeping rough. Homeless shelters. Student services offices at local unis.

Do you have enough tips and resources you can direct people to (online or phone numbers) for boys and men that you could produce a flyer? So those services could have that available? Just a short one. To let people know they’re not alone - that this is enough of a “thing that really happens and your suffering is relevant” that someone has put together a flyer, and there are resources. A flyer, all by itself, says “this isn’t just you dealing with this”. Sex assault support services I’ve been to have flyers on all sorts of stuff...

Medium term, a flyer can expand to a booklet. A booklet can expand to seminars (which you don’t need to run alone). Seminars can expand to a website. Websites can expand to fundraising.

Trees grow from seeds.

What would you want someone to have said to you? One statement? That’s half your first flyer. “This stuff happens, and this is who you can call, and these are issues you should consider...”. Dot points. Lifelines.

Not enough confidence for that? Do a couple of subjects at a tech or online in social services. Just enough to give you some confidence. Volunteer at a few hot spots for where these victims end up to get your feet wet and build some confidence.

That’s one idea. Think laterally. Your life has changed. I imagine that even the concept of “perfect” for you has changed, even if striving for it hasn’t. You’ve gone further up the staircase than you probably realise, even if the staircase turned out to be a lot higher than you were anticipating:)

 

[somerandomguy]

Thanks @Sideways. Lots to think about there. I was in a group that I hoped would be its own resource, but we have failed to get it off the ground and I don't think it's going to work out.

A very interesting and helpful recording @The Albatross. Thanks for posting it.

 

[Muttly]

Well, I am glad you are making this post because I've been worried about how hard you push and sensed you were trying to fly up to the top floor and having troubles being patient with the climb.

I have a question. What if you added to your list doing something(s) that has no value at all. What if you built in that ability to be human and "waste time"? Because we all do it. Think of it as a get out of jail free card. Instead of looking at your list and seeing all that you need to do, when you've been flipping through your phone, you can look at your list and know you had a human moment

 

[DharmaGirl]

Wasting time on this message board might count for self-care when I get excellent advice like this thread, and can count for service if I can fool myself into thinking something I write might help someone else someday.

Ok, you are not wasting time on this website. You are helping others and providing yourself with self-care. Why do you discount it? I was devastated when I could no longer work as an RN in a hospital, or anywhere really. I was lost. I started homesteading because I had to supplement our food stamps. If I look at your list, it fulfills chores, recreation, job, self care, exercise, and service, since I plant enough to give to the food bank too. To a lesser degree, it fulfills advocacy, since I encourage others to plant at least one food item. Can you see yourself doing something that accomplishes more things?

 

[The Albatross]

Agree with Muttly except for this bit:

Well, I am glad you are making this post because I've been worried about how hard you push and sensed you were trying to fly up to the top floor and having troubles being patient with the climb.

Your pace is your pace and people told me I was pushing too hard ALL THE TIME... thing is I was getting progress and I was getting it faster that most others AND I wanted to find out what my highest operating level was (still haven't found it yet).

Your process is your process but yeah... don't undercut peer or symptom supports as you're on your way to finding out how solid and how consistent and how reliable your recovery and management are, um k?

 

[HealingInProcess]

Totally empathize. Hard to get off the ground. Great advice here. Thanks to all for sharing.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'm tired of PTSD. I'd really like to get on with the rest of my life, or at least figuring out what the rest of my life will look like. I've been trying to do some things that are really important to me that have turned out to be pretty triggering, and it makes me sad and upset.

My therapist compared it to going up a flight of steps. You can't get from the bottom to the top in one step. That's true, but I'd like to be able to be up at least a few steps up from where I seem to be right now.

I know part of my issue is my perfectionism, and that "I need to be perfect" is a core belief I have. I'm trying to deal with it, and also plan to do some EMDR on it in the future. Meanwhile, though, I feel demoralized and useless. Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Any advice?

Totally. So from one perfectionist to another-
I started therapy-I took an art class- the picture had to be perfect. I tried something different- the clay heron was amazing! From the perspective of a teacher- if it has a key ( answer key) I can mentally grade it.
Things like tasks must have a purpose, beginning, end, and s linear approach to solving or doing it is helpful.

So I was challenged in art to do some non realistic art. I took a two day art class- day 1 abstract art and day 2 surrealism. Abstract art turned the perfectionist inside out and sideways and I just sat and stared at the blank paper when told to draw an abstract piece. No rules for completion, no one right way, and there there is no right or wrong- no way to grade it mentally. I could do the surreal art- but I had no idea if I was doing it “right.” Taking that class taught me a real lesson about how strongly I need to get things right- but my art is changing-
Initially my drawings were super realistic. Now I’m into water colors and experimenting with a “looser style”-so as I let go of my life’s rigid rules, I am less up tight and learning the many more shades of gray that I didn’t see before. My T suggested art therapy and I think I’ll go.