Pushing To Disclose

[Lotis]

Has anyone ever had a therapist constantly tell them that they need to disclose the abuse to others in their lives? I could understand disclosing certain secrets like addiction or infidelity; things that could hurt others, damage relationships and hurt the person themselves.

I am being told that I need to tell.

Why do I need to tell? I cannot think of a single positive that would come out of telling anyone in my family. If anything it would cause chaos and others will treat me differently and look at me differently!

I just don't get it. I honestly do not get it. Professionals are there to help us and they are the ones that we need to disclose to so we can work through the trauma. I feel like telling people within my family would open a whole new set of issues.

It will not benefit me in any way to disclose to my family. What could they even offer that I would want? Their sympathy? Their questions? Their negativity or potential distrust of me? Their looks that I am fragile or damaged? Their ambivalence to touch me in fear that it is a trigger. It is a whole can of worms that I don't want to open.

Is telling supposed to set me free? That is not possible; it won't change the past.

~L

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Has anyone ever had a therapist constantly tell them that they need to disclose the abuse to others in their lives?

Yes. My therapist advised, for a long time that I should tell my dad and step mom. It was slowly coming out anyway and it would be better in session with him. Though that never occured.

Why? Because these two are what one would normally see as "supporters" but if they dont know the full truth, they wont be able to understand as they would if they knew the full truth. And also wouldnt be able to truely support me. He was trying to help me to not be fully alone with it all. But circumstamces have changed as my dad & step mom are moving to my sister's and will be 3 hrs away.

He didnt push like hard. He explained thoroughly why and pushed hard enough. Insistant but not so hard that it was like i must, no if, ands, and buts, you know?

 

[scout86]

My therapist has never pressured me about anything. He HAS said that he doesn't think secrets are a good thing, in the long run. It's his belief, with any human relationship system, it's better if there are no secrets and there are no 'elephants in the room'. But he doesn't think you have to tell everyone everything right now. There are all kinds of possible outcomes, it's silly to go into 'disclosing' with any particular expectation of how it will go. And you kind of need to be ready to deal with how ever it might go. He just thinks, in the long run, it's better if people know what went on and why things are the way they are. Gives you a little more room to be your real self without having to worry about it, if nothing else.

I think there are all kinds of reason for not keeping the secrets. I think it will effect pretty much everyone in the relationship system in some way. And 'how' is probably hard to predict.

Your reaction sounds a lot like my initial reaction. It might pay to pick that apart a little. What are you afraid of? Not saying there's nothing to be afraid of, just that it might be worth exploring what, exactly, it is. I've let a carefully chosen extended family member in on a couple things recently. It actually went better than I expected and I learned some things that were, maybe, disturbing, but also backed up my own experiences. I'm considering the possibility of having a similar conversation with one or two others. Turns out there are a few questions I'd actually like to find answers to and maybe the answers are still available.

 

[Gs172003]

No. Mine leaves that kind of stuff up to me.

 

[shimmerz]

Why do I need to tell? I cannot think of a single positive that would come out of telling anyone in my family. If anything it would cause chaos and others will treat me differently and look at me differently!

No, my T suggested entirely the opposite for me. Perhaps because he knew more about my family than I did at the time. He suggested they (and certain others) may take advantage (although at the time I was fainting outright for long periods of time making disclosure to the wrong people a real risk). For reasons of my own, I had to disclose against his advice and wish I had been able to listen to him.

I don't know that I like the idea of them pushing you. Working with you perhaps to feel comfortable with the idea, maybe - but pushing you? I don't think so.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Your reaction sounds a lot like my initial reaction.

Mine too. I didnt think about it til you said it. When id tell my therapist that i could never tell my dad, I could never answer "why" rationally.

I did eventually tell them a ton and it feels more freeing, like i can move around, even if my dad is simple minded and doesnf "get it", I can now say "i have this reaction because of XYZ" or "i do this because *this* was done to me".

This became important due to something i did that made me look "gross" and "weird".

@scout86, you said that so much better then i did. My therapist didnt push or insist but thought it was a really good idea and we spoke about it a lot for a long time, him just giving me his opinion and i went from a quick "NO, NO WAY WILL I EVER TELL MY DAD" to being more ok telling him more and more over time and im very glad i did.

 

[Sandstone]

It would only be acceptable for your therapist to push you to disclose if they could be sure that the reaction will be positive. It is possible that all of your fears are groundless and are based on your own misjudgement of your self and your own sense of guilt or worthlessness. It is possible that none of the things you fear will happen, that instead all your family will show compassion and support you.

In your position I would want to ask your T why they are so sure there will be benefit from disclosing. I don't see how they can know either way what the outcome would be.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

All those questions and worries in your post are things that you should talk about with your T.

I don't think it's a good idea for your T to be making you feel pressured into anything. especially with the nature of abuse I found it's really important to feel like I have the control. I felt pressured to disclose to my T before I felt ready and it made things a shit ton worse.

It's like any profession you do get Ts that are bad at it just like you get lawyers, chefs, accountants and customer service assistants that aren't any good. Or like all humans they are not infallible they make mistakes and push when sometimes they should be going easy and the other way round. Unless you say all things you said above and explain then they don't know but if they do know and are still pushing maybe it's time to see someone else.

It's your choice and they need to be able to respect that. Letting people know can be very helpful and supportive but you can't know with certainty how other people will react. And how that reaction is going to effect you. They could be very helpful and supportive or they could take it badly and you end up comforting them. I also realise I can't be unbiased in this discussion as I've felt pressured by a T before and I've had it go wrong with disclosure in the past. Saying that being able to be 100% me with my partner has been so helpful.

 

[Missycat]

My T once commented that if my abuser was still in the uk that she may have to report him (due to her role and governance of her role) .
And that freaked me out.

We talk alot about me not being able to talk to my mum about it and how this makes me feel. My T has offered advice and support on how i can approach it with my mum and what i can say but she has never told me or pushed me that i should.

I would talk to your T again about what benefits they see in you telling and what support they have
for you if you do.

 

[Justmehere]

It will not benefit me in any way to disclose to my family. What could they even offer that I would want? Their sympathy? Their questions? Their negativity or potential distrust of me? Their looks that I am fragile or damaged? Their ambivalence to touch me in fear that it is a trigger. It is a whole can of worms that I don't want to open.

What leads you to believe all these things will happen?

Telling someone about trauma can sometimes help in healing and sometimes massively backfire. I have never been pushed to tell family because they are super destructive people and do not show any capacity to be supportive about non-traumatic events. I've never been pushed to even tell my therapist about the trauma. It's always been a subject I was invited to talk about, but never been pushed.

I have been terrified for dates to find out anything about my trauma and PTSD so much that it was affecting my healing from PTSD and my ability to build a support system. I used to think only professionals could handle it. (Turns out I was wrong.)

My therapist gently suggested (didn't push) that I mention to dates after awhile something "small" about the feared subject to see if they really would respond in the way I feared. The goal wasn't to just tell for telling sake, but to see if my assumptions about how they would treat me so differently were accurate or if they were distorted thoughts about myself that I was projecting on to others. It was also a way to see who were the people to be close with and not, who could lean on for support and not.

I don't know what your therapist's goal was for you in telling your family. It would be good to ask your therapist about what their goal is in doing that.

I do think there is a possible underlying issue about how you see yourself and the trauma. Healthy people will not distrust you or do all these other things you fear they will do if you told them about the trauma. They would listen, they may validate, they may be present with you in the pain, they may be there to encourage you on tough days, they may help you experience what it is like to be accepted no matter what the trauma is (which I have found really surprisingly helpful for me), they may be able to be part of a support network in other ways. I have one friend I told a little about my trauma and she told me about hers and we were able to connect on an even deeper level.

If you are not ready or willing, it's totally ok too. You can say no. It is your choice now and I hope your therapist supports you in making the choice that's right for you.

 

[orangeweezel]

It seems like you're feeling uncomfortable with the way that your T is recommending this. As a T myself, it upset me to hear how pressured you feel. Whether it is intentional or not, the T should first respect what you feel, and talk it over with you. There are certain circumstances where I suggest my clients might share things with specific others, for clear reasons, but never just vaguely recommend or pressure. I'd recommend bringing this up to your T if you feel safe. You have every right to say no. Definitely think about the purpose behind your T's suggestion, because trauma often sets us up to respond in less healthy ways. I hope your T is willing to respect your push-back on this.

 

[Lotis]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Let me explain a little more.
My ambivalence comes from reactions that my mother (specifically) has had in the past. When I was 12 a teacher told my mother that she believed I needed to be in therapy. My mother told her she was delusional and refused to bring me to a therapist. When I was 19 and in therapy after my 2nd suicide attempt my therapist at the time had called my mother to explain that she strongly believes I was sexual abused and would like to discuss further. She believed this was the root of my self injury my suicide attempts and my depression.
My mother freaked out and denied that anything could possibly have happened. She also screamed and blamed me and demanded I tell her what I told the therapist. She accused the therapist of instilling false memories into my head. She actually hung up on the therapist because she didn't want to hear it. I was terrified and did not disclose anything to my mother. Instead, to diffuse the situation and to protect myself, I told my mother that I didn't know what the therapist was talking about. I was wrong. I should have stood up for myself but my mother has always been abusive and she has denied that ANY abuse occurred in our house. My mother has selective memories.
My fear of telling anyone is that they will exhibit the same reaction as my mother.
I have thought of telling someone besides my therapist but I don't know how this will help me. I am not looking for support from others in my life. I don't want anyone to know....is that so bad?
~L