Pushing To Disclose

[scout86]

Seems like your T was out of line talking to your mother when you were 19. I don't know what the rules see for minors but as an adult you should have had control over that. Kind of a separate issue though.

Everyone won't react like your mother. That doesn't mean you can either control or predict their reactions though. Getting to a place where this information isn't as charged as it is now would probably be healthier for you than letting the fear of how people mighrt take it have the power it does now.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Has anyone ever had a therapist constantly tell them that they need to disclose the abuse to others in th...

Well, not sure what to make of that. I usually will follow instructions if someone bothers to tell me why exactly such instructions should be followed. And even after that it is still up to me to think that through and to decide whether it makes sense to me too and even after that it would not necessarily mean that is the correct choice for me to undertake. There are just a lot of variables when it comes to a victim sharing their past experiences. That is a very private and personal matter, that's all.

 

[katz]

Has anyone ever had a therapist constantly tell them that they need to disclose the abuse to others in th...

I understand what you're worried about. I must caution you about just telling the family. I did.

- it did not go well. It changed the way everyone treats me. Forever.

I also see the point of view of the councilor. "telling" can give you a feeling of relief and power. And that your not hiding the secret anymore.

I would recommend finding just one member of the family, or a close friend. To start. See how things go from there.

 

[Lotis]

it did not go well. It changed the way everyone treats me. Forever.

Thank you @katz I fear if I told my outcome would be similar.

I have come to the decision that I will not tell anyone in my family today and I will take it day by day. My gut tells me to wait and I am listening to myself for once and trusting what I feel.

~L

 

[katz]

Thank you @katz I fear if I told my outcome would be similar.

I have come to the dec...

That's a good way to do it. I think what made me finally tell is that I started finding concrete evidence to prove my point to everyone (family). But, it didn't matter. I'm not sure what I will do--if anything--when my folks are both gone.

I probably won't see much of my immediate family. We really haven't much in common except parents. I think that we will all just go our own ways. I have more in common with my husbands family. I'm certainly more comfortable with them. How sad.

 

[Kolten]

My therapist has never suggested me discussing my intimate trauma with anyone except my spouse who knew anyway so really no one. Maybe it depends on what the trauma Is as to why they would have suggested it? I know some therapists do view it as it "setting u free" to basically get it off ur chest but I can totally relate to why u dont want to for sure. I think That's a personal choice and That's that. Only do What makes u have peace and contentment and if that isn't it don't do it. I wish u the best of luck.

 

[katz]

My therapist has never suggested me discussing my intimate trauma with anyone except my spouse who knew...

My spouse knows "kinda" what happened. He is not happy about it.

He is angry that he did not know about this when he married me. I had buried it again. So even I didn't "go back" to dealing with it till after the wedding. He is very annoyed that he has to deal with it now, since it is not "his fault". Some times he shows this anger to me and it just makes me feel worse and certainly more guilty of causing "all this problem."

I wish I could make him understand that showing any anger or annoyance at me will only make the situation worse. He would get so much better reaction with love, and kindness and understanding. But, no matter how many times I explain this to him, he just doesn't understand.

I have a terrible time just trying to get him to lower his voice, which is a pretty simple request I figured.

 

[Kolten]

My best honest opinion here is the necessity for couple's counseling. Its a must in this type of situation. Its a neutral area that is safe and helps teach both of u coping skills and he chances are will be more willing to listen to a third party tell him to calm down with u than it sounds like he is with u. Now idk how he feels about going there probably not awesome because he thinks it's ur problem not his he doesn't need therapy. But if he is going to be married to u then it is his "problem" per se and any good man should walk beside his woman for better or worse and make every attempt to get u the peace u deserve and the happiness u also do in ur marriage. That's just my thoughts as another guy :)

 

[katz]

My best honest opinion here is the necessity for couple's counseling. Its a must in this type of situati...

Ahhhhh--wishful thinking.
We went to a therapist together for a short while. Then, the insurance changed and her cost went up X5

I'm still looking for a T. Even one that will work with just me.

 

[Lotis]

My spouse knows "kinda" what happened. He is not happy about it.

He is angry that he did not know about this when he married me. I had buried it again. So even I didn't "go back" to dealing with it till after the wedding. He is very annoyed that he has to deal with it now, since it is not "his fault". Some times he shows this anger to me and it just makes me feel worse and certainly more guilty of causing "all this problem."

@katz I feel like this would be the exact reaction my husband would have if I told him. I am so afraid he will be angry that I didn't tell him before he married me. Like I somehow deceived him?
By you writing your husbands reaction makes me feel even less confident telling him. It is not fair to feel afraid. I should feel able to tell my husband; after all we share a life together and a child! I fear he won't be able to handle it. He has his own issues and struggles to contend with. It isn't go to make or break our relationship if I don't tell him right now so I convince myself that today is not the right time. Maybe one day. I am not saying never. Another factor for me is that I don't feel strong enough to handle his reactions and my own unresolved issues about my abuse. I think once I work through my traumas I will be better equipped to deal with his reactions.
@katz what made you finally tell him?

~L

 

[Rumors]

Ugh same boat with husband. My only defense is that I really didn't remember most stuff until I was about 40 and we had already been married for 8 years and been together for about 15. So, with that said I am quite sure he would feel like I am a burden and sucking him dry emotionally. I try to be as non-confrontational and non-existent in our household as possible. It hasn't been until recently that I realized I was doing this and it really isn't a partnership. Makes me sad. I don't want to rock the boat bc that is what I was taught. Be invisible...

 

[katz]

@katz I feel like this would be the exact reaction my husband would have if I told him...

I probably stayed back from telling him because of the reaction that I got from my family. I was already having some physical problems even before we married. When he realized that this would not change--now that we're married. I think that he really wishes he had not married me.

Some times I feel so guilty that it makes me cry. I wish so much that I could have a "normal" sex life with my husband. (At least one that is ok with him.)
I'm really in a spot now, because we have been married for 9 years now and I can't figure out why he stayed? He assures me that he has other things that he loves me for...but I have still not opened up to him. He sees little bits and pieces of the effects come out, but he really doesn't want to deal with them. I don't think that he even wants to try and understand. I think that he is just waiting for me to "get over it".

He is a recovered alcoholic and he came from a previous marriage where she fooled around on him, so trust is a big issue with him.

....we have so many "factors" to look at, that at times, it is tiring. From alcoholic families, to cheating ex-spouses, to families of denial.

I don't know if he will ever know what happened. I'm so scared of being alone again, (my last partner died suddenly) that I don't want to scare him away.