Question For Wives With Ptsd?

[newday]

My wife and I have been dealing with PTSD in our marriage for 5 years. She has been sober now for 7 months. With her numbing agent removed, we have been "trying to work on us". She has expressed her frustrations with me and bluntly stated she wants more from our relationship. My question is: How will I know when it is ok for me to express what I would like from our relationship? Right now my feelings are having to take a back seat.

Thanks Marty

 

[Burke]

Hi Marty,

I am a wife and I am a sufferer. What I am NOT is an expert on relationships.

Have you considered just saying the last two sentences you wrote to your wife?

 

[newday]

When I share my feelings, it seems to overwhelm my wife. Regardless of the approach, she takes ever word very personal and seems toclose up. It bothers me when I hurt her. Any ideas on how to communicate would be appreciated?

 

[Anna]

What exactly do you want in the relationship? Maybe write them down and think about it for awhile.

She has been sober for 7 mths. That is pretty good. Why not suggest taking her out for a nice quiet dinner in her favourite restaurant? Or if she doesn't want to go out getting a take away and a dvd. Maybe a hug on the sofa. I would take it really slowly, as 7 mths is not really that long. It depends on what you want to say really.

 

[Srain]

Does your wife have a trauma therapist she works with?

I'm a Survivor and a wife. I personally want to know what my husband wants out of our marriage and how he feels, however, timing is everything. How it is said is everything and of course WHAT is said is everything.

Could it be how you are attempting to convey your feelings could use some outside input from a third party that is working with her? The old "I" statements can be effective until they come out sounding like accusations:

I want the old you back. I want you to go back to work. I want to know when you will be better.
(I'm not saying you are saying these things but you get my drift.)

Since it's difficult to know which feelings you are trying to let her know, it's hard to help you out here. My husband works very hard and yet still I get triggered over a look. It just happens. He has gone in and spoken with my tdoc. I would hope he does again. This is just one suggestion.

As Anna pointed out your wife is just 7mos sober and that is a short period of time. I agree that writing them out is helpful, I would also reread them several times before thinking about giving it to her.

It's obvious you care very much. I would always start off with that. :)
Peace,
Rain

 

[intothelight]

Hi Marty,

Write down exactly what you want from the relationship. Look at each, and if possible, break them down even further. Decide which ones are critical and those are the ones you address one at a time. Also see if there are some that are not that important and can be tabled until later.

Relationships are dynamic and they all change over time. There is nothing "wrong" in expressing your needs, but it is critical to express them in the right manner and at the right time. That is the best way to facilitate communication and to deepen a relationship.

A marriage counselor might also be a really good idea as they can help both parties improve their communications skills or facilitate discussion.

I hope it all goes well for the both of you.
Debbie

 

[MyStarryNight]

Hi Marty,

I have PTSD and my husband and I were in the same place you've just described for awhile. I was so overwhelmed by the PTSD that I simply couldn't handle his emotions or his needs. It was a very hard time for us because I think we both felt a bit alone and abandoned. For me it was important to know that he felt like he couldn't share anything or express his needs. When he told me that and I really understood I cried for several days but it was really good to hear where he was coming from. Just knowing that helped motivate me to get better. Also, it gave me a chance to respond. I apologized for not being there and started to see that no matter how bad things were with me on the inside I needed to invest whatever I could into my relationship with my husband. Some days all I could do was tell him I care about him and apologize that I couldn't listen or be there that day. Other days I could ask how he was doing and really listen for a few minutes. Sometimes it has to start out small like that but it gave my husband a chance to see that I was trying even in the midst of all that I was going through and that I acknowleged that he was being affected by my PTSD too. I don't know if that helps any but I thought I'd share.

If you haven't told your wife that you feel like you can't share things with her I suggest you try if she is safe and not struggling with drugs or any kind of self destructive coping behaviors. I think the main thing is to focus just on that one thing that you feel like your feelings are taking a back seat in the relationship. If you try to share more, like what some of your feelings are specifically you will probably overwhelm her. Also, don't expect a sudden response. When my husband told me it took awhile for me to really get what he was saying but it did sink in.