Questions.

[123456]

Well... first of, I'd like to say that I'm new here, so don't be like.. too harsh on me. I only have a few questions.

I've been badly abused as a child. Many years I ignored all that was happening and I convinced myself that I live perfect. I was like wearing a mask. I was always happy and smiley and I only saw the good things.

It worked very good for me, because at a point I wasn't really realizing that I was getting through anything. If my father would slap me, [for example] I would take it, then go to my room, play, and forget everything. I lived like that until I moved out with my boyfriend, and some years after.

Lately, things are getting pretty pretty weird? I don't know how to say it. I suddenly know... all that has happened. I always think on my memories when they "hit" me, and I guess I have a few triggers. Or symptoms or I don't know. I am acting just.... bad? I'm going to "point" out a few of the things which I "do"

-I cannot look people in the eyes. I just can't it freaks me out. I also cannot get close or hug friendly. If I do I feel very dirty and guilty.
-If you tell me something, you have to choose your words wisely, because if you give me some bad news for example, talking ironic or angry, I get the feeling that you blame me, and then it turns out bad.
-I can't talk about feelings. I just can't if you would put me to tell you about how much I "love" my boyfriend or my friends I would just freeze.
-I can be very very violent and I am self-destructive. I cut, drink, smoke from a very young age.
-I have nightmares and insomnia
-I have problems with food.
-I hate it when people touch me, or surprise me.
-I don't care how bad I hurt myself.
-I hate to be surrounded by people, be in a crowd or in the center of attention.
-I don't show my feelings to others and I haaate to cry.
-I don't trust anyone. I have big trust issues... and I can get paranoid..
-I always get back in my memories and think at them, reflect on them, even if they hurt, I don't care. I try a lot to figure them out. After that I get very depressed,angry,empty, or lost.

The list can continue until tomorrow, but I said I have some questions.
1. Do I suffer like from any disorder? Or.. do I have PTSD
2. Am I like crazy or something?
3. Is there any possibility for those things to get worse? Can I learn to live with this?

I think that's all I had to say...

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and welcome:)

I am afraid you need a professional to diagnose PTSD or any other disorder, so you will find nobody here can do that for you.

However you do share a lot of difficulties with many of us here. I would doubt very much if you are crazy, although at times I have certainly felt like that myself.

As for all the problems you describe, yes sometimes they do get worse but then they get better with the right help and support. You can certainly learn to live with it, because as you learn more coping mechanisms the impact gets less.

Take your time and read through all the information on here. There is so much to read.

Your English is very good, but I suspect it is not your first language? If I am right you have done very well getting all this down. Even if I am wrong, well done for sharing!!!

best Wishes
Lucy x

 

[Srain]

Welcome I'm glad you are here and asking questions :)

No, you are not "crazy" though I'm sure you must feel at times like you are, at least I go through that as I have suffered many of the same symptoms you are describing.

Yes, it sounds like you have some disorders and most likely some or most stem from PTSD but only a professional can really properly diagnose you. Have you been diagnosed?

Yes, there is a chance, left unchecked or treated these symptoms can get worse. I have experienced this in my life and until I chose to get past my fears and seek a trauma professional in order to address these concerns, they were escalating. Seeing a therapist was a relief because I was able to ask those exact questions and the biggest one, "can you help me, is there help??" Thankfully she had the answers I truly needed to hear and I believe her. She has been able to explain why I suffer the disorders I do. I understood some but some were new to me. This may be the case for you. Getting clarification can be extremely helpful when you have a solution along with the diagnosis.

please take good care,
peace,
Rain