Relationship Quick Question About Space

[Sephira]

I'm sorry to be posting so much everyone, but I have so many questions and my T isn't around till Monday.

Long story short.. another shit day. He accused me of wearing him out, manipulating him and blamed me for his not eating, his stomachache, his crap night then hung up.

I feel truly hopeless for the first time-like no matte WHAT I DO, he'll still find fault and be nasty. His favorite quote is "Act like you used to when we first met". How on earth can I do that when he is always so mean and I have to censor every word out of my mouth??

I'm considering taking a week off to just regroup and let him miss me. If I say I want to have a week of no contact then start fresh, do you think will he interpret that as abandoning him? I don't want to leave him, but I feel so sick now.

 

[Nicolette]

I'm considering taking a week off to just regroup and let him miss me. If I say I want to have a week of no contact then start fresh, do you think will he interpret that as abandoning him? I don't want to leave him, but I feel so sick now.

Sephira... there is a fine line with any relationship and a lot depends on the person. Add PTSD to the mix and you get confusion.

Firstly, don't ever ask for what you don't want ie.. if you say you don't want to leave him, he is not asking you to leave then don't suggest a break as that is leaving. I don't care what anyone says but it is and that always opens the door for a myriad of other possibilities (eg I slept with her but we were taking a break....see my point?).

Firstly, if he is being mean and nasty, leave the room. Walk away into another room, go visit a friend, go for a walk and tell him you don't "like who he is being right now" or what words are right for you and let him think and process them. They just don't snap out of it. Don't make it long - be polite but too the point and direct. You could even say something like "you are being nasty and I don't like that so I'm going for a walk/going to read a book etc".

The first thing you need to learn is boundaries - how to set them, how to stand within them but no let yourself be dragged into the inappropriate behaviour:

I have to censor every word out of my mouth??

It could be overload and he needs space but I don't believe you need to "leave a relationship/take a break" to do that as there are many options around that as you don't want to set a precedent for the future. Like I said - be careful what you ask for.

An example is when Anthony and his ex would have issues one of them would take off and leave the other and go and stay with their family. That doesn't resolve issues. It just avoids them. Anthony has tried that twice in 5 years with me and has never left as he knows the consequence if he does. It's different if he's going for a holiday and I can't get the time off - but to do it as you can't resolve your issues; sorry not for this little black duck.

This is just my opinion based on my views on life and relationships. Hope it helps you.

 

[SydneyH]

Sephira I am so sorry for what you're going through. All relationships are a two-way street, and he needs to take responsibility for his part. In other words, if he had a bad day, it's at least 50% on HIM. On the other hand, it is so freaking easy to blame the other person when you're unhappy. Isn't it?

If you have a supportive friend, a good soul in your life with whom you can talk, I recommend you go to that person and just hang out for a bit. Maybe have a laugh or two. It will give you some perspective.

 

[Sephira]

It helps Nicolette, it really does. Thank you! When I said take a break, I misspoke. I disn't mean call things off and start fresh, more like.. you aren't happy, would you like some space and then we can spend time on the weekend? I guess I meant a week's space, not break up then start again.

I would never threaten the relationship-when he does it to me, I feel so bad. No matter how bad his PTSD gets, no matter how abusive, I never want to be abusive back. I love him :)

 

[Nicolette]

No matter how bad his PTSD gets, no matter how abusive, I never want to be abusive back. I love him :)

Same here Sephira. PTSD is no excuse for abuse.

If you have a separate place, which it now sounds like after explaining yourself more, I suggest you tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable, if he wants you to hang around let you know, otherwise you will go home and do things you need to do until his attitude changes.

Don't buy into it and again, I will say, sometimes they are so overloaded mentally that what you are saying will take awhile to sink in so don't react to the bad behaviour. Just remove yourself in whatever way you feel is appropriate. It's like a naughty child; give them attention when they are naughty and they think that by being naughty they can get your attention. It is important that if you don't want abuse that you don't allow yourself to be a part of it. He needs to learn that abuse = you not being there as love it not enough.

I know it sounds harsh but I can't express it nicer as it is serious and you only have one chance to decide what you will or will not accept and you have to let him know that otherwise time passes, habits form and it's too hard to change what could once have been changed. It may mean you end up alone, it may not but the important thing is you never end up being abused.

 

[Miss Bess]

It's like a naughty child; give them attention when they are naughty and they think that by being naughty they can get your attention.

This has been the story in my marriage.

 

[Nicolette]

That's sad Miss Bess. :(

 

[ProudWife99]

It may mean you end up alone, it may not but the important thing is you never end up being abused.

I couldn't agree more with this statement if I'd have said it myself. I never encouraged bad behavior in our marriage and neither did my husband as we both suffer from PTSD. However our actions didn't discourage each other either. I found myself saying "If you don't stop yelling at me I'm going to leave" and he would yell something else about getting out of his house and then I would stick around because I didn't REALLY want to leave, I just wanted him to stop yelling at me. Because I never followed through and often threatened things i had no intention of doing he didn't take my wishes seriously...probably because I didn't take myself seriously.

You don't want to end up in that cycle. It rarely ends well for anyone. Be sure you can truly follow through if he tells you he thinks space is a good idea. It will hurt to hear that he isn't going to fight to spend time with you. I hate to be so harsh, but the realities of PTSD are too bitter that even sugar coating won't help.

Love to you both.