Quitting Therapy

[Laura 2]

I just find it hard to assert myself in there and be directive.

@GWhizz - it just occurred to me that I've gained a lot of strength from being assertive with Ts and with doctors (that is, of course, when I'm not scared witless and gibbering away fruitlessly). It makes me think that perhaps asserting oneself with such people IS, by itself, healing/making one stronger. (Plus, I've found that most of them just don't understand so you have to do a LOT of educating and directing them).

 

[Laura 2]

she has this belief in me that I am a very strong and resilient individual, to have gotten to where I am based on my past experiences. While I like this idea and see her point as confidence and esteem building, sometimes I think this assertion of hers is an unrealistic expectation of my coping skills. I maybe great at pointing on a strong outward front and presentation, but inside I feel like a crumbling mess.

I absolutely loathe and detest it when people tell me 'Oh but you're so strong to have come through all this!' because I look ok/normal.

Oftentimes, it's because they don't want you to be anything but strong and resilient because they don't want to be bothered with supporting you. And they overlook the fact that I've lost everything I ever worked for (except my academic quals, they can't take those away!)

But putting on this strong outward front is at SUCH A HUGE COST...that you don't have any energy left over to deal with all the crumbling stuff. That's what they don't or won't get, even when we explain it in detail. Then they wonder why we 'suddenly' crash...'Oh dear, you were doing so well..." Actually, no I wasn't.

NB - not saying your T is like this. Just my experience of what people want to see and hear.

 

[I am .....]

@I am ..... I have discussed this with her a lot when she texted to check in with me yesterday - in fact, it's something I've been struggling against for weeks now and it has strengthened our relationship, so much that I felt ready to begin telling her some of the deeper trauma details. I know I need to discuss this with her more. I just don't want her to call my G.P. and have him freaking on me, looking to hospitalise me or something :(...


I could have written everything you just did. I am really afraid that I may get sent to hospital also. The last place I want to go and especially don't want my GP involve. My T and GP update each other regularly on my case and they have agreed if I follow through with my medications show up for appointments, contact them ASAP when I feeling suicidal and am more open and honest with them, they will do their best to keep me out of hospital.
Look at it as one support team if they're all on the same page they'll do good by you.

 

[Laura 2]

it is quite common for a therapist to make a PTSD sufferer worse rather than better. This is because most therapists treat anxiety/fear conditions by using exposure techniques, making the client face up to their fears in order to overcome them. While this technique works for people with anxiety conditions like phobias, it can be disastrous for PSTD sufferers as it re-triggers the trauma memories increasing the fear, not decreasing the fear.

@Alien Goodness - Thank you!! Thank you so much for explaining this. It really makes perfect sense. (And underlines why PTSD is so different from other mental problems - I think this is a major part of what most therapy/therapists don't get. It's like they treat PTSD as 'anxiety with extra added anxiety').

 

[GWhizz]

@I am ..... She basically told me she wouldn't contact my GP if I turn up to my weekly sessions, be honest and contact her when I feel like self-harming, and set up a plan of what to do to help me if she cannot calm me down for example. I don't know does this plan imply hospital/GP if I cannot be talked down by her. I also find it really hard not to just say I'm fine when I'm far from okay. And then you're left with the dilemma of having to contact your T so frequently because you really do feel that bad all the time, that she'll start to think she's not really helping and that hospitalisation maybe the only solution. It's like a catch 22!

I have told her outright that I cannot and will not go to hospital though. I ended up in hospital at 14 (half my lifetime ago now) because I failed an attempted overdose (which I attempted because I was being violently raped every night by my father etc for years on end). And do you know what they did?

The child psychologist told me I was being selfish doing this to my poor parents. She vilified me because all I could manage to say was that I was terrified in that downstairs bedroom. She never questioned it or even let me speak without my mother present. Just told me she sees plenty of people regretting this when it's too late, when their livers are exploding. That I was lucky my stupid attention gag hadn't actually worked properly.

I vowed to myself that next time I'd do it properly rather than be left in the hands of people like her. I know not all staff are bad but I am not one for just talking about suicide or making parasuicide attempts. If it does come to it, I would make pretty damn sure I'm successful rather than risk my annoying GP or the the useless MH system we have over here, being inadequately capable of building me back up.

I'm really sorry if this is triggering or depressing for anyone else to read. It's just so on top of me right now

 

[Hashi]

The only problem I see with my T, is that she has this belief in me that I am a very strong and resilient individual, to have gotten to where I am based on my past experiences. While I like this idea and see her point as confidence and esteem building, sometimes I think this assertion of hers is an unrealistic expectation of my coping skills.

Maybe it's an unrealistic expectation of your coping skills and maybe not. You can only know if you ask her. It's possible that she's simply saying you're strong to have got yourself through to this point in one piece, and to her that doesn't have anything to do with being strong enough to dive into trauma work right now. In fact, If I've understood right, then she thought - and still thinks - more time and work is needed beforehand.

Is it possible, that you're making some assumptions which might not actually be the case.... ? I think it's really good to talk with your therapist about what both of you are thinking, otherwise all sorts of miscommunications or misunderstandings can occur.

Investing time in skills work and building up a relationship/safe approaches to working with your therapist will pay off many times over. I don't know if it would help to think of it like running a marathon (assuming you're not already a marathon runner). If you went out tomorrow and tried to run 26 miles, would you be likely to make it? Then if you left it one week and tried 26 miles again, then left it another week before trying 26 miles again, and so on... how likely would you be after six months, a year, even several years, to have run 26 miles on one of those days? Probably not likely at all, because you still wouldn't have built the capacity to do it and you would be overstraining and injuring yourself as well.

People who are successful in running marathons learn how to warm up and cool down, how to monitor and pace themselves. They start running/walking for maybe 10 minutes, then repeating that frequently, gradually increasing it over time. Trying to do it before you're ready doesn't get you anywhere - instead it's dispiriting and damaging. Whereas learning and building up your strength (skills) might take more than six months, but it would get you there.

 

[GWhizz]

@Hashi I loved your analogy. It makes a lot of sense seeing as I am at the point of being able to run a half-marathon right now, as it may happen lol. I don't know if I'll ever make 26miles :-P! The thing is she actually stated 'you have shown that you can be strong and are resilient, I don't know how you've done so well but you have. I think you can use some of those skills to help you in processing this also'. I don't know what your take on that is, but everytime I tell her I'm not able to do this, she reminds me with this. I know she is using it as encouragement but I need and want her to be realistic. Then again, she does always ask if I think she's forcing/pushing too hard etc and I don't think she is. Maybe my thoughts on her statement of me being strong etc is a little of my own transference - I was always told as a child that I was the strong one, like I didn't need any love or support. And so I was scapegoated by my parents and siblings. I guess it was easier for my siblings to beat me down with my father, rather than risk being victims themselves too. I know I NEED to be strong to get through this ultimately but I just don't feel strong enough in this moment. This is so f***ed up. I guess tomorrow I'll be annoying my T once again with my feelings on giving up yet again. The indecision of it all is the impossible part. I just want to commit or quit. She says that even if I am committed I'll still feel ambivalence, this is the complicated part I'm struggling with

 

[Jane.l]

I agree with everyone ! Great points made - I have been at this point a lot and have recently taken a break from therapy because I felt it was becoming unbearable and I was 'losing it' big time - I stopped for four or five weeks and just reset myself and actually not doing any therapy was a real relief for a while but it's a short term fix - and you can only avoid so much for so long but I am glad I took a break and actually feel that I want to go and do some more work now - maybe I was just burnt out.

In your case I think digger may be spot on - if you have just disclosed some difficult things it does make you want to back off - that horrible vulnerable feeling of trusting someone and letting them in really sent / sends me in a downward spiral but you need to stick with it to see actually it's ok - your t is fine with it - nothing bad happened because you disclosed something. It's a really hard thing to get past.

I struggle with talking too and sometimes I can come across very strong and self assured and almost like nothing bothers me and my T has not picked up on things I was struggling with before because I am very unemotional and he just didn't realise inside I was in turmoil. In fact in the beginning he totally misunderstood how much I could tolerate and how crap my coping skills were - which led to a rather bumpy road for a while. Maybe your T thinks you are stronger than you are because that's what you project ?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Establishment of safety is the most important step in the recovery process, and it simply cannot be rushed. Allow your therapist to help you through this crucial stage. This is the stage where you receive help learning how to build inner safety and a support network so you will be safe during the trauma processing.

What critical things do you say to yourself? If you write them down here, perhaps we can help you identify cognitive challenges to them, and you can find out who originally said those to you. Then we can beat the crap out of them for you!

Ok, maybe not that last part.

 

[Sarah2732]

Some great posts on here. Especially on asking your T to back of the trauma work and just spend time on building trust and safety.

Also, I've been told it's a pandora's box... running away and shutting down sounds like a way to cope, but I've been told once the box is opened it can't really be closed again.

 

[Laura 2]

The child psychologist told me I was being selfish doing this to my poor parents. She vilified me because all I could manage to say was that I was terrified in that downstairs bedroom.

:arghh;:banghead::banghead::mad::mad::arghh;
No, I'm not triggered. But right now I'd like to rip that a-hole, waste of space, clueless woman limb from limb... if it got one more callous, evil and dangerous 'psychologist' off the streets and away from damaging more children ..... :stop:

NB, mods, that's an expression of extreme rage, NOT a threat to actually do anything. I will as usual however do something positive with my rage. In a just world though this woman would have been struck off immediately.

@GWhizz :hug::hug::hug: thank you for telling us this, it's a brave thing to do.

Your disclosure puts me in mind of Betrayal Trauma and DARVO. Search for Prof. Jennifer Freyd and these subjects.

DARVO = Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Which is so common and exactly what that b*tch did to you. No need to wonder why the identification of this heinous syndrome isn't well known. It would expose half the people and professionals we look to help for as callous and dangerous to us.

It also reminds me of my thing about that PTSD diagnostic symptom that says 'patient has no trust in authorities' without even wondering why we might not trust authorities. In fact, IMO, this diagnostic symptom should read, 'patient has been failed and betrayed by many in authority'.

 

[GWhizz]

It @Jane.l I would love just even a couple of weeks off just to get myself together, though I know long term I need to face this OR it will kill me. I do agree that her now knowing about just how brutal the extent of the abuse was, has really thrown me.

@BloomInWinter I now realise that I made a mistake going off on my own and writing things out for her to read. I plan to take it slowly now and follow her lead for the moment if I do continue as I don't think I'm thinking clearly enough to know what is or is not best. Hmmm what critical things? I guess the typical 'what's wrong with me?' 'why did they all hate me? None of them protected me from him, not even my mother.' 'did I ask for it?' he told me I made him. I know I wasn't strong enough physically but mentally I feel like I was mature enough to know it was wrong and take some action. I remember clearly all the abuse from age 11-15, until my father had an accident that left him paralysed from the waste down and I got a lucky escape when I unofficially moved in with a friend. I guess this makes me question how long I would have ALLOWED it to continue, had this not occurred, after all, I didn't do anything to stop it in the end. Another thing is that I have now begun remembering snippets of things from age 7 when he sexually abused me (but I feel crazy for not having remembered, which I feel I may have been able to use to protect me later on if I'd been awake to reality). My T says the reason I'm being so hard on myself in this regard, is that my body would have remembered what happened at age 7 when he started again at age 11 and that I would have internalised added guilt even if my mind had dissociated from it. I still can't accept that I'm not culpable though.

@Sarah2732 I agree it cannot be closed now either. But this also is one of the reasons I'm regretting having let the 'cat out of the bag' so to speak.

@Laura 2 thank you for this. It really is nice to feel validated that what this psychologist did was wrong. I keep telling my T, that my teachers, parents, doctors etc failed me, so I need to know what makes her different. I know she cannot answer this as we have to make our own choices to trust or not trust, and that even the most seemingly trustworthy individuals may betray us when we least expect it.