Quitting Therapy

[Laura 2]

@GWhizz - couple of things I learnt about trust along my nightmare:
1. Trust MUST be earned. Your T must earn your trust - don't care who or what she is or how many bits of paper she has or how wonderful she seems. Actually she can answer your question. If you and I were in a room together and I was suggesting that you should trust me, I would be very able to tell you why I thought you should or could trust me and in which ways - because it would be so important to me, having been through similar betrayals, that you are 1000% comfortable. (Though the decision to trust is always entirely yours of course.)

2. Everyone in our lives has different 'trustability levels' and/or different things you can trust them with. Trust, I've found, is not a blanket thing. It's more like a mosaic of things - you can trust some people e.g. to make sure they feed your cat and water your plants when you're away but you'd never trust them to use your car; others you could trust with your life savings but you'd never ask them to pick the children up from school because they're so absent-minded.

3. Oh yes, there's another thing - I am a one-striker now: let me down once and I will never trust you again. Sounds a bit extreme, but a) life is too short even when you're healthy to be messed about and b) as a PTSD sufferer I'm far too messed up to allow any more untrustworthy people to mess me around any more. (I think this may be called 'defining your boundaries'! Yayay! Got there eventually!)

 

[GWhizz]

Haha @Laura 2 that was pretty brilliant. Yes she has said from day 1 that she must earn my trust, that it is my decision ultimately, no matter what she tells me or portrays etc. I feel like I do trust her as she has promised not to contact my GP without my consent and do her best to be there for me if I need her. I don't like depending on anyone else but she has been there this past 2 weeks when I called on her.

I definitely agree I need to clearly define my own boundaries for myself as I think it's interfering in lots of my relationships, I can be overly trusting or overly circumspect of people and I need to strike a fine balance. I actually did an exercise with my T recently on this, but I honestly wasn't even able to define my own boundaries as I didn't even know them or hadn't ever considered them.

It's been really helpful just getting all this support and advice on here today. Maybe now could be a good time to start a trauma diary - I feel as though I've just shared more of my life in this thread ever the past few hours, than I have in my whole life (except what my T now knows). Any suggestions on what to start with?! :-)

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sorry for being unclear. I meant what thoughts go through your head today about how you do your activities of daily living, rather than the core issues, which will be dealt with in therapy.

Like, for instance, I tried a new recipe this morning. It was a horrible failure. I could say to myself, "way to go, stupid. Why bother trying? I'm always a failure." That was what used to go through my head all day. Now, after years of practice being kind to myself, I say, "that's a fantastic failure. I must take a pic and post it on the meme page, "nailed it!"

It requires listening to my self talk all day long, and identifying that which blames, shames, or hates on myself. Once I'm aware of it, I able to change it so I'm not adding to my suffering by negative self-talk. It's not trauma-processing, but it can change how I go about my day, and I didn't start to feel better until I did it.

Does that make sense?

 

[GWhizz]

@BloomInWinter - I wasn't sure exactly what you meant but thanks for clarifying :-). I guess I have been telling myself I am 'stupid' a lot lately. In fact, whenever I bring anything up in therapy, I immediately then feel it's insignificant and tell my T I'm sorry I brought it up, I'm just being stupid. Of course she tells me I'm not stupid, it's important to me or I wouldn't bring it up. I feel like I'm acting like a child a lot as 'stupid' is not a common word I'd normally use in my vocab. I've also been dealing with postnatal depression so part of that would have been 'I'm a crap mother, he'd be better off with someone else'. I also tell my friends sometimes I think I'm a crap friend though they assure me I'm not. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me I'm none of those things by the way, I can't help but self deprecate as I really do feel like a crappy depraved person a lot of the time

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Please continue your therapy about being safe and having good grounding skills. Please meet your needs and wants and please do not be hard on yourself. When I was in therapy for seven months I was so angry that it was taking so long. I have had bad and good therapists in my life.

You are the one paying for the therapists time and you have to make the effort to go and see this therapist.

Everyone had such good things to say to say to you. Please do not hesitate to call a crises hot line when the need arises.

I understand you are in so much pain and anguish right now. But for every problem there is a solution.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@GWhizz
Lots of good stuff on this thread. You described my experience to a t. What changed was that I told my therapist about my ambivalence. I assured him it was nothing personal. He is a trauma expert and I've been with him for a year. I told him I was confused at the six month time.

He said that he was probably going too fast for me as I try to present myself as being more functional than I really am. I admitted that I do that and now that the genuine me goes to therapy warts and all, I am getting results.

We started over at the beginning despite the fact that I've been in therapy for 15 years ( kind of half assed before I found him). He knows trauma-he knows it so well that he teaches other therapists how to work with PTSD.

I believe what he has taught me about the mind-body connections around trauma has really made a difference for me. I've come to believe that it is essential to learn the body's response to the brain's reaction to trauma. For me the somatic work I'm doing in addition to therapy has improved my mood considerably. I do not take an antidepressant.

 

[Laura 2]

I would make pretty damn sure I'm successful rather than risk my annoying GP or the the useless MH system we have over here, being inadequately capable of building me back up.

My sentiments too - though I don't have a GP so that'd be one worry off my list, there'd be no prob with annoying he/she/it. We also have a rubbish MH system generally. But over the last few years they've switched over to 'the recovery model'. Sounds good eh? What it seems to mean in practice is 'get them feeling they can hack it (life) so keep on telling them that they're "empowered" and leave them to it'.

that was pretty brilliant

LOL! So nightmare PTSD experience actually has its uses, eh?! You know, at some point we're going to have to rewrite the twerpish DSMV and 'Treating PTSD 101' for them ;-)

I can be overly trusting or overly circumspect of people

Yes, this is something I recognise too. I err on the side of 'overly circumspect' now but with wiggle room for people to surprise and delight me. Sometimes they actually do.
It's much nicer that trusting too much and then being let down. (Because that's what people do when they know they haven't earned your trust - they treat it like money-off coupons you get handed in supermarkets: they collect as many coupons as they can though when you walk outside the store they're stewn all over the car park,..)

Any suggestions on what to start with?!

The journal.... write only things that you feel completely comfortable with sharing to start with. I'm not at all familiar with how the journal thing works on this site: can you restrict readership to people whom you choose or is it accessible to all?

@BloomInWinter's suggestions sound really helpful - observing day-to-day activities and watching where your negative gremlin pokes its nose in and calls you names like 'stupid'. (Who was it said, "I would never have been so successful if I hadn't had so many failures."?? )

Another little project might be looking at the state of your boundaries with people - with loads of compassion towards yourself - maybe not close people just yet, but sort of mentally experimenting with people you'll not be making close relationships with. If that makes sense? At least, I've found it very helpful to stand back non-judgementally from new people in my life and just give my instinct the chance to have its say...I'm amazed at how right its been when I do that.

Sorry if that sounds a bit vague - giving oneself permission to sort out one's boundaries is a massive topic but gently observing your old, negative boundaries and slowly experimenting with replacing them with new, firmer ones is, as I think about it, actually very empowering. For me, it also kind of makes space for me to see more of my good points and to value myself.

BTW, did you ever read 'The Color Purple' or Maya Angelou's autobigraphical volumes?

 

[I am .....]

@GWhizz First - Stop apologising, you have nothing to apologise for. Everyone on this forum has some point of reference to how you're feeling or where your heads at. Second - your experience with the hospital after your overdose when you were young, I unfortunately experienced something very similar. Some people really shouldn't work in mental health. I was beaten and raped whilst out jogging and everything really spiralled out of control for me I didn't try to kill myself but I did intentionally overdosed on sleeping tablets for the purpose of giving myself mind and body a much needed break. When I was in the hospital I was still quite groggy but one of the nurses tending to me was laughing and she said " well someone's going to be pissed off when she wakes and realises she's alive, what a waste!" I couldn't believe my ears. Who was she to judge me like that. She had no idea what I'd been through or what my intentions were. I didn't mean to make this about me, I just want you to know you're not alone.
Third - try to take it easier on yourself. As easy as it is for me to say Please try not to look to far ahead, just take it one step, one day at a time. I'm truly deeply sorry you're feeling like this at the moment, I really am.

 

[Sandstone]

that PTSD diagnostic symptom that says 'patient has no trust in authorities' without even wondering why we might not trust authorities. In

Can you link to where this is a diagnostic symptom? I don't see it in DSM V or ICD10, but I do experience it in life.

 

[Laura 2]

"Adults who have been abused or tortured over a period of time develop a similar sense of separation from others, and a lack of trust in the world and other people." Royal College of Psychiatrists PTSD fact sheet for patients &c.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The wording "patient has no trust in authorities" is simply a description of a fact. It's not a judgment against one's character or commitment to therapy. It has nothing but the checking off of a present symptom confirming we have a symptom consistent with the PTSD diagnosis, necessary for making an adequate treatment plan and for insurance requirements.

Therapists know this symptom appears in those who were traumatized by authority figures.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Recovery4Me]

though I believe it's both)

Hey GWhizz!

I've been there insofar as feeling consumed in the process, wanting to just have it be better or stop feeling the pain. And quitting seemed like the answer. :hug: Being raped at 3 years old and continually forward...I had considered suicide as a tween and was doing substance abuse stuff by 10.


But I realized at 30 some years old during EMDR intense mind-blowing therapy, f**ck the perps. I was taking back my life.
If I had to un-glue my mind in order to get it back together on straight and healthy...so be it. He (the rapist) would not win! And the pain came rolling in like thunder during the therapy work. Lightning struck and seared. I became the hunter of my bad memories and in time the victor of my soul.

Take what you need love and leave the rest, as we each must choose what we need to heal. Prayers and love your way.