I feel like my mind or touch with reality really dipped down today. It's probably due to stress..
I don't know where or how to start. My main concern is about my friend. At some point during the day or night, I don't remember, I told myself to not expect her to want to spend time with me. I haven't physically seen her for some time now. I can't remember the last time. I do text her quite often. About everyday, but it feels like I've slowly become disconnected.
Then later on, I don't know how long I was in the bathroom, but I was sitting there just thinking and doubting the existence of my friend. I'm still kind of not sure. I feel like my mind made her up. It's so convenient. Meeting her was so convenient and the way she is, it feels too perfect to be true sometimes. I feel like whatever happens or has happened is my brain's way of keeping me around a bit longer because the body naturally wants to stay alive..
Though on another note, I feel like I know she is real.
Then there's another thought where I feel like I'm watching myself become more crazy and lose touch with reality. I feel like my brain is deteriorating and I can just hope it'll be better in the morning.
I think maybe it's easier to tell myself she doesn't exist for my own sake, but I feel bad because I know she wouldn't want me to push her away. I don't want to either, but it's hard to think that because it still really feels like she's not real or part of her isn't real. I don't know what to think.
I have few memories of her, my memory is terrible, and I think back to those few memories and doubt the event. Then I wonder what I did during those times when I thought I was with my friend. I feel so defeated right now. I just want to lock myself away in a dark room. I don't see the point in anything if she's not real.
But if she's real, I know I wouldn't want to leave her like that. I don't know what's going on and it feels uncomfortable and confusing. I just needed to put this down somewhere and I'll probably read it in the morning and be confused by it because I won't remember this. I don't know what this is. If it's some strange form of dissociation or part of my depression or loneliness.
I don't know where or how to start. My main concern is about my friend. At some point during the day or night, I don't remember, I told myself to not expect her to want to spend time with me. I haven't physically seen her for some time now. I can't remember the last time. I do text her quite often. About everyday, but it feels like I've slowly become disconnected.
Then later on, I don't know how long I was in the bathroom, but I was sitting there just thinking and doubting the existence of my friend. I'm still kind of not sure. I feel like my mind made her up. It's so convenient. Meeting her was so convenient and the way she is, it feels too perfect to be true sometimes. I feel like whatever happens or has happened is my brain's way of keeping me around a bit longer because the body naturally wants to stay alive..
Though on another note, I feel like I know she is real.
Then there's another thought where I feel like I'm watching myself become more crazy and lose touch with reality. I feel like my brain is deteriorating and I can just hope it'll be better in the morning.
I think maybe it's easier to tell myself she doesn't exist for my own sake, but I feel bad because I know she wouldn't want me to push her away. I don't want to either, but it's hard to think that because it still really feels like she's not real or part of her isn't real. I don't know what to think.
I have few memories of her, my memory is terrible, and I think back to those few memories and doubt the event. Then I wonder what I did during those times when I thought I was with my friend. I feel so defeated right now. I just want to lock myself away in a dark room. I don't see the point in anything if she's not real.
But if she's real, I know I wouldn't want to leave her like that. I don't know what's going on and it feels uncomfortable and confusing. I just needed to put this down somewhere and I'll probably read it in the morning and be confused by it because I won't remember this. I don't know what this is. If it's some strange form of dissociation or part of my depression or loneliness.
