Rant / Vent Help Please.

[Megan]

Today is/was my 25th birthday. Right now it is 9:40pm and I'm just on the computer. Just got back from going out to dinner w/ my family...don't have any friends to celebrate it with.

I just am stressed out to the max every day of my life. I don't enjoy life. I am scared of what is to come because ever since the incident I didn't expect, I hate surprises. I just am stressed out over things I can't control. Like worry 24/7 bout my parents getting older, what is going to happen to me? I don't have friends because I can't trust people. I have been stabbed in the back, by lying to me and only liking me because of my older brother. I never really had a close friend.

I used to enjoy life, even shortly after the traumatic event. I Started pen palling with people all over the world and they have become my friends even though i don't really know them like I can't hang out with them one on one. But now i don't enjoy anything...not even penpalling because there is nothing to write bout because my life sucks - i don't have friends I don't have a job i am just miserable.

I can't get happy about anything. I feel like i can't get happy, or excited any more. It sucks. I just feel angry all the time. Everything changed last September of 2010 after I gave a deposition. i couldn't go to sleep any more, on my own. Then my mind turned blank with nothing in it. All my life I could easily think of something to do with my days etc. Like I could easily enjoy jewlery making. But what's the point?

Now it's like why? Why do we listen to music? Why do we watch movies?
I don't have a sense of imagination any more. Its like i take things literally. I get stressed out angry and my stomach hurts. it feels like my brain turned into stone because it doesn't work the way I been used to for 24/25 years and now i just am lost in life w/ no friends no job... I just don't know why i exist. I worry 24/7... about things. like murder/death/abuse etc. Why are people like the way they are? What brings people to do what they do? like why do people murder other people? especially kids. It's like i don't feel safe any more.

I go to sleep at 12am or earlier by the help of melatonin and wake up thinking bout my past about all the regrets and stuff and how happy i was back then, which makes me sad. :(. Remembering the past makes me sad even though nothing really changed except for the fact my parents got older and my dad had a few strokes and i'm just sooo stressed out to the point where I just wish I could die in my sleep. Since the incident in 2007 i lost 4 people - my dad's brother died in 2007, 2 days before my bday. My grandfather unexpectedly died in February of 2009. My dog died 9-12-2009 ( my incident occured on 9-11-2007 and to have my dog die the day after the 2nd anniversary). Then my mom had to take care of my grandma who had lewy body dementia and then i started worrying about my parents getting it. My grandma died in July of 2011 from complications of a stroke she had in June.

I just think about death and don't see the reason of enjoying any thing any more if we all die in the end. Especially in my life because i don't have any friends and when my parents go i am going to be left all alone because i can't trust people and don't want to get hurt by anybody ever again. I just don't have the courage to get out there again. Plus it's too late because people already have friends from their past and i will feel like the 3rd wheel in the group not knowing "inside jokes." I suffered from social anxiety all my life and thought people were talking/laughing at me etc. I would say something or do something that i thought was stupid and think about it days after...

I just don't know any more.
I just feel stressed out all the time... I make a wish on the stars hoping I don't live to see another year. I apologize for this post being long, and hope something really reads it to help me. I just can't see the "light" any more. I can't see the good in people any more because everybody lies everybody does stuff that other people can't control and it bothers me.

 

[Srain]

Hi Megan, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time and on YOUR BIRTHDAY :( That sucks.

Around holidays and anniversaries, and birthdays I think symptoms can heighten, feelings can deepen. I'm glad you can on here and expressed yourself because you aren't the only one that goes through those feelings. I feel like that so often. I start to go through full-blown paranoia about being left all by myself. Most of my relationships are long distant. I am not very good at keeping up with close relationships. I worry what if this what if that??? It's all part of PTSD.

It takes time and work to learn to trust again after having experienced mistrust. I'm not big on trust and am having to learn it bit by bit with my tdoc. Nothing easy about it but it can be done. It's learning to trust your instincts about people again, knowing who to trust and who not to. Also learning to bounce back from being stepped on, that you can do that, because that's life. Thankfully, not everyone is untrustworthy.

By the way:

Peace,Rain

 

[intothelight]

Hi Megan,

The feelings that you described could have been written by so many of us here. Those really are the symptoms of PTSD. Catastrophizing, isolating, numbness, black and white thinking, loss of interest, etc. are all part of PTSD. The thing is, with therapy and other changes you can reclaim your life, and start to enjoy it again.

Depression is a big part of PTSD. It is almost like being in a big black hole and not seeing a way out, or even being able to climb out. Writing out what you are feeling is a great start. There are also a lot of posts here about tools for dealing with some of the feelings you are experiencing. If it is not too intrusive, are you currently in therapy?

Sometimes when it all seems like too much, I just focus on one thing I feel like I could change and work on that. You'll read a lot about "baby steps" and it really is the truth, just one step at a time and then you will find yourself climbing out of the dark.

(((Hugs)))) if it is OK.

Debbie

P,S. Happy Birthday a little late. :)

 

[Megan]

Right now I am between therapists.
I had seen a therapist for 2 years. I kind of knew from the start that he wasn't very good but i gave him a 2nd chance and ended up staying for 2 years. But then he started falling asleep or at least that's what I percieved when he closed his eyes. For all I know he could have been trying to think....but then again there was a long period of silence. Anyway, I had another therapist which kind of made things worse by asking me why I have some problems that even I don't know why, such as "clothes." I am over weight and can't really have tight clothes on. Everything has to be loose... i always had a problem with clothes even when i was littler. I dunno.

Anyway. my mom doesn't really help all that much either because I have no friends and according to her I have to look like them (such as clothes/weight etc). I have tried losing weight in the past but so much stressful things have come up and i am an emotional eater. But now a days I don't have much of an appetite and do tend to eat junk food (chocolate pb cups mostly oy). I know its bad.

I am going to Disney World in 39 days (Nov 13th) I have been going every year with my mom since 2005 when i graduated high school and I guess i am just sooo darn sentimental about things it hurts to know that some day she won't be able to go in the far future because of age and such which worries me even though its years away. That's what started the whole thing. Every year near her bday I would worry like crazy about her and not wanting her to die and I mostly thought about her and my dad dying and couldn't shake it from me so I guess that's a part why i have a blank mind 24\7. I also suffer from insomnia and can only go to bed with melatonin which helps 95% because I do wake up. and then i wake up in a bad mood because everything starts all over again. :(

I also learned not to work at things because nothing ever turns out right. Ever since high school, nothing i did was good enough and always be criticized for what I thought was good. In art class, art is supposed to be how one person see's it...not one person telling the other how it should look. So i was more on the creative side and every one criticized my work even though i did what they asked. it was never good enough and in college I would have to redo everything... which was hard cuz I studied film and didn't have any friends after the incident which occured 12 days after I got to school.

I feel like I can't make any big decisions any more. Sometimes i want kids but then again I saw how i was treated in school and what-not and I don't want to put anybody through what I went through but perhaps they would have a better time then i did? Anyway...But since i can't make big decisions for myself how can i make decisions for another human being?

 

[Navy Spouse]

Megan, Sorry you're going through such a tough time. You had mentioned having a dog at one time. Are you in a place where you could have a pet? That might really help you. A pet provides unconditional love and comfort and would bring some joy back to your life.

 

[Megan]

I currently have a cat and a dog we adopted in december of 2010 a 9lb chihuahua named sissy. although she isn't quite what i imagined she is my heart and soul. She was timid and shy of us and it made me a bit discouraged to adopted her but after our 3rd and final trip and we brought her home she is just the cutest thing. however she still does not like strangers...neither do i to say the least. lol.

 

[Megan]

Yesterday was soo horrible after my anti-depressant wore off I saw my life flash before my eyes...like everything i ever did with my parents like going to the rodeo in pa, having fun at christmas time with my grandparents 3/4 are passed away now. but it was sad. i had to take 2 melatonin and 2 tylenol pm to get to sleep and then today i woke up at 10am, and was emotional-less all day and blank headed. I had pasta for lunch which wasn't that good and then i went back to bed all day.

 

[ronin47]

* Great Big Hug *