Reality Checking

[illusionist]

I had my home life, but learned what was socially normal by everyone I was involved in outside of it. Going to school.....learning social norms, interaction, food, home economics...all manners of things in life that are normal.Visiting friends houses......I would see what was normal behaviour within families and also see normal living standards. Being involved with the salvation army....I couldn't list the things I learned from them that I am truly thankful for..even the kind old lady in the sweetshop showed me what normal interaction was. Although home life was horrendous, I was well aware of seeing others being normal and our house being so, so wrong. I dread to think how messed up we would all be if we did not have outside influences in our lives, as we were growing up. To live in complete isolation from normal people is way beyond my comprehension.

 

[WildMermaid]

We were moved by a psycho every few months so I did not know what "normal" was in behaviors, expectations, how to care for things, or myself. I had no idea how to fit within any social structures and to this very day struggle with that.

 

[Ketamine Dreams]

Remember that normal is just the average of all the abnormals.

;)

 

[Kefira]

'Normal' is an average, to be sure. And it can be comforting that everyone has their own oddities. Not to turn this into an argument on what normal is and isn't, but it's difficult because when everyone does have their own oddities how do you decide where to get your reality check? It's way easier once it's pointed out to see something isn't normal than it is to define what that base line is.

I also feel that the "there is no such thing as normal" sound bite is often used to dismiss valid concerns of people who are suffering. Because "I would like to be able to do things others take for granted without struggling as much as I do" or "I recognize through the reactions of others that my internal reality is not the same as most of those people whom I know" are both logical trains of thought.

Hope I don't contribute to a thread derail and I may start a new one later, but the question of normality and objective reality keep creeping up for me over the last week or two, often in unexpected places.

 

[shimmerz]

Blindsided is a pretty good way to describe it.

Friday has a really good point here and one that I think shouldn't be ignored. I think we have to look deeply at how our lack of 'normal' can affect our interactions with others. What common themes there are with our interactions that take people a back. Common themes and words and reactions that seem to come from out of left field. Things that can potentially destroy our ability to build a solid supportive network.

Remember that normal is just the average of all the abnormals.

Love this.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, I remember once at work describing something, and saying to this girl.. "The way it felt.. you know what it's like when somebody kicks you in the stomach 4 or 5 times real quick, right?" She replied with "No... I don't." and the look she gave me... I tried to play it off like a joke, but it shocked me on some level. I just assumed that everybody had a violent life... that it was a totally normal thing...

So after that I just never brought up anything about my life at work, except by accident. I still don't. I know enough about my workplace that A: nobody wants to hear my sob-story. and B: if you tell somebody, the gossip is so bad in that joint that within 5 minutes, even dead people will know about it. :hilarious:

So I mostly just let other people talk, "nod and smile" but stay to myself whenever I can. I know that it's avoidance, and it's not doing myself any favors to be so standoffish... but I have a very deep fear that if people know about me, they'll.. well, "reject me" is a nice way to put it. I just can't shake that feeling.

Oh yeah, and I just went to the library this morning and checked out a lot of 'for dummies' books, about organizing and cooking and stuff, because.. would you believe that I'm 40 and still don't know how to do this stuff? :bag:

 

[rightkindofme]

I get this a lot. I laugh and say, "I was raised by wolves so my idea of 'normal' may seem a bit odd." Often people say, "Uhm I guess."

I make a lot of references to gangs. I spent a lot of time around gang culture as a kid and references are peppered all through my speech and I don't even think about it. Now I live in silicon valley and most of the people I know are upper class yuppies who had these nicey-nice lives. They flinch around me a lot. I try to be upbeat about it.

It's really hard though. I feel disgusting. It's an act I'm trying to play to be easy going about it. I hate pretending I don't mind.

 

[desiderata310]

Yep! right here.
I remember saying something once, and the look of shock and horror from the folks around me told me immediately that I had probably said something out of the relm of everyone else's 'normal' oi! I quickly laughed and turned it into a joke but it gave me pause and knocked me on my ass a bit.

I get that from my therapist every once in a while. Usually in the form of him sucking in air. I mention something casually and I hear that sharp intake, to which I jerk my head around at him and I stop talking. He very quietly and very seriously says to me "you know, that's not normal behavior, right, Desi? Those are things that shouldn't happen"

Oh... ummm... noooo... really? I guess I do now...

I don't usually openly share with anyone but him.

 

[moonbeam]

I get that from my therapist every once in a while. Usually in the form of him sucking in air. I mention something casually and I hear that sharp intake, to which I jerk my head around at him and I stop talking. He very quietly and very seriously says to me "you know, that's not normal behavior, right, Desi? Those are things that shouldn't happen"

Oh... ummm... noooo... really? I guess I do now...

I don't usually openly share with anyone but him.

I have that with my T as well. Frequently I will say something offhand or to give context to something else and she'll go wait you have never mentioned this detail of your life before. Let's sidetrack to discuss that. And she'll be surprised I hadn't mentioned it before when it didn't seem worth mentioning. I didn't realise that wasn't the normal.