Really Stressed About My Therapy

[Sweethellishlove]

She gives me home work assignments and it's been really stressful, I told her it was stressful but I guess she just tells me to get through it. Right now she wants me to write about my sexual abuse and it's getting to the point where I just want to hurt myself or have a complete and total mental break down. I just feel like not even showing up to my next appointment. Has anyone else gone through this? I mean she seems pretty dead set on this program and it's making me feel worse so far instead of better.

 

[Jane.l]

Yeah I know what you mean. Firstly I might not be the best person to reply - having a very anti therapy day ! - I have been doing the same kind of homework and it makes me feel the way you describe - I have to be in the right headspace and I have to feel supported and understood by my T and I only do it when I feel I can - if I feel it's making me too unstable I don 't do it - I am not a school child, it has to feel safe .

I think what she is trying to do will help you long term and it's always going to be really tough but sometimes you need to do it at your speed - if you can't you can 't and she will have to hold fire for a bit .

How long have you been in therapy ?

 

[Sweethellishlove]

This is only my 4th time seeing her. I really wasn't expecting her to throw all this at me so soon. It's like she's so technical. She has this 16 week step program, and I almost flipped out today when she said I have to write a paper describing the abuse. Like smells and sounds and feelings. I was like "Why?" I even asked her that and her answer was basically it's part of the program. I just feel like a guinea pig or something. Just going through the motions of her program, feeling kind of robotic. I don't know how to explain it.

 

[Jane.l]

Ok I am no expert but there is no way on earth I would be doing that .

It took me at least 6mths to build up enough trust to even start going over details of trauma .

Be really really careful you could end up badly re traumatised which is the last thing you need

 

[Sweethellishlove]

I've been so freaking bad, my husband has been like "You are worse then ever." I haven't self abused in like 7 months and I started self abusing again. I was thinking that not even a month I haven't been able to build trust with her and she wants to know all this. I just don't understand, I wasn't sure if anyone else has ever done a program like this. If I wasn't pregnant I would probably be drinking every night honestly.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you have coping skills to get you through? Scratch that----if you did, then you wouldn't be posting.

If therapy is pushing you to the point of hurting yourself, then it IS too much! It is necessary to push ourselves, but only if we are sufficiently prepared in that we have a variety of coping skills to use when things get bad.

I'm VERY concerned about this 16 week timeframe. I believe it is too rigid given the fact that healing isn't linear! We may chug along at a good pace but it's inevitable that a wrench gets thrown in at some point and things go haywire. Is it more important to stick to the schedule or to respond to the individual clients needs?

What "program" are you talking about? I don't know about any therapy (outside of a daily treatment program) that is that structured.

 

[Sweethellishlove]

Yeah she didn't check to see if I had any coping mechanism which the way I cope is either by hurting myself or drinking. I went to an institution once and you know they teach you about meditation and things like that but my dad got me out of there as quickly as he could so nothing ever really stuck and I guess I never stayed with a therapist long enough to develop any rally good coping mechanisms. I just came on the forums because I'm trying really hard not to hurt myself right now...my husbands not home yet and when he's not home I can do whatever I want to myself.

I don't even know what this program is. She just told me its this PTSD 16 week program from Australia. I feel like it's something she just down loaded off of the internet. Like week 1 was writing a list of rules that I have for myself and for life. Then week 2 was reading about how sexual abuse effects your developmental progress and I just had to read something. Week 3 I had to write every day something that happened what I tell myself and how it made me feel. And now week 4 talk about the most traumatic part of my sexual abuse and include as many sensory details as possible. I just feel like it's a train wreck.

 

[Jane.l]

I would be freaking out too ! Sounds bizarre and dangerous

 

[franciemarnie]

Don't do it if you are not ready please.

Trauma is a kind of violence. Violence is a kind of force. Forcing yourself to do something you are not ready to do can retraumatize.

Trust your instincts. You must be ready and have self stabilizing skills in place. I don't get why she doesn't recognize this. We force ourselves to get out of bed and interact with people thru out the day, etc. because we have to to function. But this program is optional. There are other options for us now unlike the trauma days.

I feel this exercise is undermining you right now. This may not be the program for you. Trust yourself and your reality.

 

[macca]

She sounds like she has no experience with trauma, and is trying to cover it up with this programme. The programme sounds like it is more for her than for you. It sounds like a really bad idea. I'm not sure if you have access to a different T, but if you can, please consider it. I don't think she knows what she is doing.

 

[Sweethellishlove]

Thank you all so much. I feel like my feelings are validated now. I just was like maybe this is how they do things, and I just don't know it. I'm not sure if I should call her and ask her to drop this program it's not working for me and help me with coping skills...but right now I don't have a lot of trust in her at all. I mean I felt weird right away because she's just straight up reading from the book and when we finish the session really early she just seems at a loss with what to talk about. I have really good insurance, so finding another doctor isn't hard. My co-pay is only 10 dollars, right now she's free because it's part of this pregnancy program. They want to make sure us pregnant moms don't make excuses not to go to therapy I guess. I don't even know if I really have PTSD, I don't know...every doctor/therapist says I have something different which makes things just that more confusing for me.

 

[franciemarnie]

That's fantastic if you have other options. Why don't you consider seeing a trauma specialist and they can explain their diagnosis of PTSD or not, and why.

I am so glad you pay attention to your gut. That only took me like 30 years. ;)