I don't think I've ever posted on a forum before...but here I am. I joined this site because I dated a guy with PTSD for 2 years. We broke up suddenly at the end of July. I've talked to some friends about it but it really seems like no one can truly understand unless they dated someone with PTSD before. I'm newly 24 and that was my first relationship..I feel so drained and aged after it, like I could be going on 40. I feel like my whole view of how relationships should be is totally skewed because this was the only one I had to compare anything to.
Basically I really had a crush on him our senior year of high school..we were friends, kept in touch after graduating, and then went to college 6 hours apart. I thought about him all the time and one summer before we were officially together we had a little fling. Then we reconnected when I turned 22 and our first year was great. He was pretty up front with me about the fact that he was sexually abused when he was younger, but it took awhile for him to actually say he had PTSD because of it. Our first year was great for the most part, except for occasional bouts of depression on his end..which in turn depressed me. But then entering the 2nd year it became almost abusive. The smallest thing could set him off, and he'd call me mean names and say cruel things that I was embarrassed to even tell people about. I was afraid they'd think they were true, otherwise why would he say such out of the blue, hurtful things? The first time it was really bad. He had told me he didn't want me going on Facebook at his apartment and I thought he was joking, because that seemed so silly to me. So a few weeks later when I was on it there he saw me and got in my face about it. Said I never take him seriously, and I think he's kidding all the time. It quickly escalated into him calling me a bitch and telling me to leave his apartment. He wouldn't even let me gather my things. I was in hysterics because I never had seen him like that before. An hour later he called me crying and totally regretful. In retrospect I think I should have ended it then but we continued 9 more months. Only this time, I was always walking on eggshells trying to be the best girlfriend I could and not doing anything to set him off. But sure enough, he'd still have this meltdowns no matter what I did or didn't do.
There were countless other meltdowns after that first one and I won't get into all of them. Basically I started getting really bad anxiety over when the next one would happen, and even when we were good and happy I was still living in fear. The last blowout came a week before my birthday in July, and it was because I hadn't heard from him in 36 hours. He was pretty good about calling me every night and after work, and last I had spoken to him we were on great terms. He was telling me all about the surprise he had planned for my birthday. But then I didn't hear from him for a day and a half..I called his mom and sister because I was worried (he lived on his own, and he wasn't a very stable person) and then they tried to reach him. They finally got a hold of him and scolded him for worrying me. Then that pushed him over the edge. He flipped out and broke up with me, and said I had gone too far. But he made it even more personal by saying I was a weak person who was afraid of everything, and he was fearless. Every other time he had a meltdown like this I had fought to save our relationship but this time I just let it happen. I knew I couldn't do it anymore, and I finally realized I didn't have to be with someone like that. It was the hardest thing I ever had to swallow but I just stopped talking to him after that even though I knew he'd regret it after a few days. He's contacted me via text and email since apologizing and saying he made a huge mistake but I told him I just can't contact him anymore..its too hard, because I still love him but I know it can never work. He says he know he'd be happier with me and he doesn't think he'll ever get over this. I feel like if this was any other guy without PTSD who treated me this way, I could just rule him out as a bad person and I'd be able to get over it easier. But with him, I know deep down he would never hurt a fly. He's not a bad person, but he did some really mean things to me and that's why I feel so conflicted about it. I wish I could just hate him and get over it but I can't. Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. I know we won't get back together but I hope he gets helps so he doesn't destroy other positive relationships in his life. I'm totally emotionally exhausted over this whole thing and I feel like I never want to be in a relationship again at this point.
Basically I really had a crush on him our senior year of high school..we were friends, kept in touch after graduating, and then went to college 6 hours apart. I thought about him all the time and one summer before we were officially together we had a little fling. Then we reconnected when I turned 22 and our first year was great. He was pretty up front with me about the fact that he was sexually abused when he was younger, but it took awhile for him to actually say he had PTSD because of it. Our first year was great for the most part, except for occasional bouts of depression on his end..which in turn depressed me. But then entering the 2nd year it became almost abusive. The smallest thing could set him off, and he'd call me mean names and say cruel things that I was embarrassed to even tell people about. I was afraid they'd think they were true, otherwise why would he say such out of the blue, hurtful things? The first time it was really bad. He had told me he didn't want me going on Facebook at his apartment and I thought he was joking, because that seemed so silly to me. So a few weeks later when I was on it there he saw me and got in my face about it. Said I never take him seriously, and I think he's kidding all the time. It quickly escalated into him calling me a bitch and telling me to leave his apartment. He wouldn't even let me gather my things. I was in hysterics because I never had seen him like that before. An hour later he called me crying and totally regretful. In retrospect I think I should have ended it then but we continued 9 more months. Only this time, I was always walking on eggshells trying to be the best girlfriend I could and not doing anything to set him off. But sure enough, he'd still have this meltdowns no matter what I did or didn't do.
There were countless other meltdowns after that first one and I won't get into all of them. Basically I started getting really bad anxiety over when the next one would happen, and even when we were good and happy I was still living in fear. The last blowout came a week before my birthday in July, and it was because I hadn't heard from him in 36 hours. He was pretty good about calling me every night and after work, and last I had spoken to him we were on great terms. He was telling me all about the surprise he had planned for my birthday. But then I didn't hear from him for a day and a half..I called his mom and sister because I was worried (he lived on his own, and he wasn't a very stable person) and then they tried to reach him. They finally got a hold of him and scolded him for worrying me. Then that pushed him over the edge. He flipped out and broke up with me, and said I had gone too far. But he made it even more personal by saying I was a weak person who was afraid of everything, and he was fearless. Every other time he had a meltdown like this I had fought to save our relationship but this time I just let it happen. I knew I couldn't do it anymore, and I finally realized I didn't have to be with someone like that. It was the hardest thing I ever had to swallow but I just stopped talking to him after that even though I knew he'd regret it after a few days. He's contacted me via text and email since apologizing and saying he made a huge mistake but I told him I just can't contact him anymore..its too hard, because I still love him but I know it can never work. He says he know he'd be happier with me and he doesn't think he'll ever get over this. I feel like if this was any other guy without PTSD who treated me this way, I could just rule him out as a bad person and I'd be able to get over it easier. But with him, I know deep down he would never hurt a fly. He's not a bad person, but he did some really mean things to me and that's why I feel so conflicted about it. I wish I could just hate him and get over it but I can't. Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. I know we won't get back together but I hope he gets helps so he doesn't destroy other positive relationships in his life. I'm totally emotionally exhausted over this whole thing and I feel like I never want to be in a relationship again at this point.
