Recovery

[EverOnly358]

Oh, and in regards to this...

I'm thinking along the lines of what @D123 said, about going over and over it until it gets boring - that going over and over it will expose me enough to talking about it that I won't dissociate when I do.

Just be careful not to relive bad memories over and over. It has to be more like a dialogue or report of the trauma and emotions. If you're just dwelling or wallowing, this can do a lot more harm than good (probably why some people respond well to exposure therapy with a T, there's someone there providing guidance). It's very difficult to explain. This for me is where having a goal to be healthy and being f-ing determined really help to get me in the right head space. I'm not just wallowing in misery, I'm working! So, I guess I'm saying, be careful about just wallowing, it's not helpful and it can really hurt you, too. I almost go at it like it's my job... it's a productive examination of my trauma towards the goal of resolving it, not wallowing. ;)

But if i try to stay in the present when I want to talk about trauma, I find that I literally can't speak.

I was in therapy for FOURTEEN years and it was all useless because I couldn't accept or talk about my trauma at all. Sometimes I couldn't talk at all. I still can't make eye contact in therapy. Sometimes I cry through the whole session. But I'm f-ing determined, so I'm always challenging myself to do better than the time before.

If you haven't already... you might want to read this...
Link Removed

 

[Abstract]

@Meadowsweet ,

I have done a mass of work on general stability and do all the preparation etc but when I got into the therapy room nothing prevented me from dissociating and yes, I too could not talk. I don't just sit there waiting to dissociate and then attempt to bring myself back. Remember too that you have only recently even started T and you have done a lot already. Give yourself lots of credit for what you have achieved.

Sometimes for me think I am too harsh with myself. Other times I think I am not harsh enough! Which is true changes with how I feel at the time. :confused: Or I feel both simultaneously.

Have you tried approaching the actual trauma a little more slowly? In other words discussing the stuff around it first. Whatever you can do and still process the feelings.

The things I have found helpful with stabilising myself in general have been some of the things Hashi mentioned. Feeling my body in the space I am such as where my feet touch the ground or my body the chair. I imagine roots growing down into the ground too. Other distractions that helps are sipping water, moving often (eyes and body), doing affirmations and relaxation before, having a grounding object with me (like a pebble). I also use peppermint oil as it is very pungent.

A huge help has been mindfulness and radical acceptance. I practise that pretty much all the time in some way or try to. The best thing I ever discovered. I also practice connecting and naming my emotions and what is happening around me. That has also helped me a lot in many ways. With practice I am much more able to stop the emotional disconnect from happening. I used to loose information about my day regularly and now it is rare. What I do is not enough and I obviously need more but what I have done has still helped hugely.

I also think with trauma it isn't only discussing it and feeling and connecting to it that works but also tackling the way it has distorted our views about life in general. So in other words there are a lot of other things that need to be dealt with than just discussing the details of the trauma. We need to come out of those discussions thinking about the trauma and the world differently. Just the way I see it. There was a great article I came across a year or so back that laid it out really nicely. I will see if I can find it for you.

FOURTEEN years

My story isn't that different D123. I didn't even "know" I had trauma or dissociation or any of it and certainly wasn't going anywhere near there.

I like talk therapy for me. It just depends what you are talking about! If its always only about the present and smaller concepts rather than the bigger picture then you never get anywhere. I never got anywhere. Thank goodness we all now know we have trauma and that that is what needs to be dealt with.

 

[The Albatross]

ISo I'm wondering how many times do I need to talk about trauma before I can move on? Or, what do I have to do to be able to stop it being such a big thing?

Til you create a gap between you and the past... OR... til you are able to come to the realization that it happened, it's over and it doesn't affect who you are now. Whichever comes first.

 

[DMerish]

I have multiple traumas that I had never spoken about to anybody. So when I started therapy, I had the idea that if I told somebody about my experiences during therapy, I would then be able to leave it behind.

I think this is a very common assumption that a lot of people make, and some folks carry that assumption forward for many years. I think sometimes the brain monitors what somebody can handle, and therefore causes the person to stall. I also think that folks that are seriously interested in healing come to the place where they discover that something's amiss, or absent with "just talking" - those folks come to a place (as you have) and realize they made an assumption, observe dissociated periods and ask "What's going on?" "What, if anything, needs to happen, for my healing to progress?" In other words, "What now?"

When I first began therapy some 20+ years ago, I could not talk. I went to my appointment, and just sat in my chair with a box of Kleenex and cried. I did that for about two months. Of course, I had critical thoughts about myself (shiz, I'm pathetic; I'm more F'd up than I thought; I'm embarrassed; I just know my T is waiting for the moment when I stop crying so she can get a word in and tell me I'm beyond help). Thankfully, it never happened. Eventually, I stopped crying enough for my T let me in on some grounding techniques.

As I began to talk, dissociation would occur - sometimes more, sometimes less. And it still happens today, but to a far, far lesser extent: usually, only when I'm fearful of being able to trust someone.

I somewhat disagree with what D123 said about not wallowing in repeating bad thoughts over and over. I think some people need to do that, and if done consciously without judgment then one may be able to get deep into their trauma and emotions and use that point sort of as a jumping off point, provided they are given or they learn how not to unconsciously get stuck in that place of repeat, repeat, repeat and begin to balance the good things that happened, are happing to them, against the bad. Just my $0.02.

Hashi said she doesn't think talking while dissociated achieves much. I agree. However, I think for someone who finds talking nearly impossible (as I once did), I believe the first step is just getting somewhat comfortable with talking. Period. Then, as you mentioned, one observes as they talk that dissociate states come. From my experience, I believe this is the point when one is able to begin integrating the traumas that happened into consciousness. It's a process - two steps forward, one back. And sometimes one has to just take a break and sit in the spot they got to for a while, then take up the healing path again. I came to the point of being completely bored talking about my trauma, thinking all the talk therapy I did was useless and money wasted. Looking back, I realize now that when I was bored I just needed a good break and the talking and money spent was a good investment in myself. I do not think it was wasted time any more.

IMO everything that folks have already written (especially Hashi and Abstract) is valuable, 'right on' and important/helpful. From the description of where you're at, it sounded to me like you are progressing but can't see that you're doing that real well. The process does not progress always in a straight line. And, like understanding what happened, I believe understanding how a person progresses, and what has helped takes time too.

I'm old, hehe - been on the path off/on 25+ years . . . Through the years I've never felt I'd ever get over things once and for all. And I may not, but I'm back in therapy again with a new sense that this time I will or I'll get real close. Not that my trauma(s) won't sometimes affect me anymore, but that I'll move beyond them. This is a very new feeling/sense that's totally refreshing!

Take care,
Drew

 

[Tinyflame]

I believe recovery comes with a new belief structure.Then, what remains, such as triggers, get an impartial, dispassionate response. What has been survived comes with more understanding, acceptance, and less shame, part of one's life and contributing to their unique character but not defining them in totality. Ideally I would think recovery could one day encompass, hope, trust, less fear, better relationships, and healthier decisions and self-acceptance.

 

[Abstract]

From the description of where you're at, it sounded to me like you are progressing but can't see that you're doing that real well. The process does not progress always in a straight line.

Very much agree Drew but don't think I said it that well.

Meadowsweet, you are way, way ahead of me with talking about trauma and I have had a lot of therapy.