Relapse- Again

[Scarred]

Hi guys,

Well, I have ptsd. Apparently it has been there since I was at least 3 years old but no one ever diagnosed me with it until I ended up having a really bad fatal car accident in 2005. When I tried to end it all after that and got put up in the psyche ward for a couple of weeks, thats when I finally got the diagnosis.
Previously surprise surprise, ive been diagnosed with severe depression, borderline, anxiety etc. No one ever connected that the sexual, emotional and physical abuse I went through growing up ( until I ran away from home at 14) would have consequences??? Seriously.

I came back again from that and of course thought again that THIS time I was good and my life was finally going to be good. But my life just seem to fail utterly every couple of years and I crash. It doesn't seem to matter what I do or how many therapist I see- I still fail- as always. Just so sick of trying and trying. So tired.

I thought that my many sex partners was a bad thing and that I just needed to find the right guy to "fix" myself. So 3 years ago when I met this guy who due to his religion would not have sex before wedding/engageme rent, I thought that he respected me and loved me for me which I had never really had, not just coz im good in bed. We were together for 1,5 years before he proposed to me and there was no sex at all during this time even though I certainly missed it. Then once I said yes and had his ring on my finger- the only thing I always wanted as I thought my life would finally be good- I couldnt have sex with him. Or I did a couple of times but never enjoyed it- I started faking it for his sake and then 6 months after we got married and no- there was a shit wedding nite as I could not. And during our honeymoon we tried and tried but i just froze and it is now a year later and I dont work as too stressed out, were having a horrible realtionship, im so un happy, and I have just NO idea what to do....


This of course is the very very very shortened version of whats been going on but I dont wanna bore you with too many details, I just feel like shit and have ahorrible situation where I this wk have to go away on our anniversarie and I dont know how to put up with this as he is so demanding. Has to control everything I do and no matter what I do it is just never enough or good enough. Sorry guys- I guess I just had to get it out....



thanks

 

[BloomInWinter]

I hope you find some hope and help here. Sending well wishes your way.

 

[Drytears]

Hi....I am brand new to the forum. I feel for you and have empathy. I believe if we feel good on the inside, our personal satisfaction can only be exponentially blessed by outer things. In other words, we need to be healthy in order to find and accept other healthy situations . You have to feel good about yourself before sex or a relationship can accentuate your positive inner feelings. I have spent so long feeling like crap. I refuse to do it any more. I have always tried to please those around me. I choose controlling people to avoid decison making. If you are unsure of yourself, you are definitely hesitant about your decisions and judgment calls. I will no longer be like that. I know what is best for me and I intend to do them. I deserve the good things and and intend to have them. I am going for it. I have tried to please everyone for so long. I am sick of it. It is time to please me.

 

[Nishkaa]

Wishing you strength through this tough time. Glad you found this forum.

Okay, I just noticed in checking the gender signs of everyone here, that at the moment anyways, we're all women here.

So, something I want to share:

I picked up this Maya Angelou (woman poet, famous in the US) Hallmark Card (greeting card company) years ago, and I gave it to myself :) because I really liked what it said and I wanted to keep it as a reminder for myself and when it comes to relationships or any other choices. Quote:

"Each woman should know
she can give herself
permission
to change her mind
at any time"

I just found this to be an empowering reminder, and a chaser of "shame", to help me banish the hold shame had on my choices that was making me feel stuck in a relationship or in any unhealthy situation, when it was clear it was no longer healthy for me.

You have the right to change your mind, follow your instincts and to decide for your self, what is healthy for you. It's one of those things, that we stumble through, till we find that we arrive exactly where we are suppose to be. Like here for example. This is good place for building on our healing. I'm so glad I found this site.

 

[Icare]

I wish you strength and inner peace. I can truly relate to your situation on so many levels. You are not alone, we are not alone.. and that makes us stronger.

Peace,
icare

 

[intothelight]

Hi Scarred,

Welcome to the forum. PTSD is tough on the sufferer, but also tough on relationships. There is a lot of useful information, for both you and your husband.

I hope you find the assistance and support you are seeking.

ITL