General Relationship With A Man With Ptsd And Depression

[Phil1983]

I'm glad I have helped in some way, unfortunitely for me, today has been a very bad day. The only good thing I have achieved is sending her as much information as I possibly can about how PTSD effects people and how it might be effecting me this far since the event happened. Maybe she will read it and start to understand but I know now that a few triggers today have set me off, 1 being, seeing part of the cause to my problems which has made me react in a bad way, i've tried taking myself away from the situation but it followed til I couldn't control things but at the same time I had her telling me by text messages that she doesn't believe that what I have sent her is the reason behind my moods, as it was easier to attack her through a trigger than it was to attack the cause I know i have sent a message that she has taking too far now and her and her family have all decided not to have anything to do with me, on top of that I had tried calling my doctor 10 times today for self referal and not one call been returned so it has been the worst build up in a very long time and the worst result I could of ever wanted but now am realising so much why they have chose their way and I can't argue against it.

I hope my advice helps you in some way and you can understand things abit more clearly and i truely hope he will eventually realise you are not a threat and your there to help him any way you can so he will open up to you and realise his pressure aswell

 

[Anna1954]

Phil I wrote a thread the other day and I need a mans prospective on it please look it up. I am not sure if you can. Please let me know if you can't.

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[Anna1954]

OK it is me again the thread is "Caring for someone with Ptsd that is pushing you away' Just need your persective.

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[GB1]

Yes just someone to listen is marvelllous, I hope I am repaying the favour in some way? I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a really bad day today. Be confident that you have recognised you have done something positive today in sending her information. You can’t make her believe it, at least not straight away.

It’s very easy looking in from an outsiders perspective to assume what u see is someone behaving in the perameters of “normal” whatever that is. But PTSD has so much about it that is so very unknown and people know so very little about it. If you knew nothing about PTSD and someone behaved in a certain way, it’s human nature to not be able to put the pieces of the jigsaw together and just see the person as acting in such a negative way for no reason when there is a reason!! She does have a point, it is easier to attack those we love than the route cause of our problems isnt it? But be heartened you are not being an ostrich with your head in the sand, you’re taking a very brave step to trying to heal yourself. It may take more time for people around u to see that and work with you.

As for your bad day, you sound in a lot of frustrated pain. Have you conisdered speaking to the Samaritans? They may be able to help you work things out or at least let you vent verbally tonight. If the docs are not assisting you, keep at it tomorrow but remember Samaritans are there right now. Just an idea.....

As for me and my situation, just trying to take it day by day, understanding more and more about this condition. I managed to have some sort of communication today with him and it was positive. Tomorrow is another day of course but at least he’s talking and trying to make active positive choices.

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[Phil1983]

I am confident that she will read the info I have sent but I know the damage is done now and she is already on her way to change her number etc to cut contact.

Where you have said "putting pieces of a jigsaw together" thats exactly what people like me are doing everyday, we are constantly working out what happened during the event, what we could of done differently to avoid it or avoid the damages of it etc but we never realise that as much as we think it there was a time limit in which it all happened... in my case I was brutally attacked unexpectedly by two so called friends with steel toe cap boots. I know I can look after myself so I was constantly thinking why did I come out of it so bad? My Therapist talked through this with me and we worked out that in the time the 1st blow landed and confused me to my reaction time was about 5 seconds...not enough time for me to come to terms and protect myself against the two men..I've been able to work on that and realise that it couldnt of been avoided but I still try putting the rest of the puzzle in place as to what happened, where, how why etc but its all areas where i was knocked out so my brain was switched off to those areas. My confusions now are rebuilding my life to a normal way of living, loving and enjoying what I have and not attacking the ones close to me by closing up or arguing as it is not going to help me and I lose the 1s I really need.

Since my bad day tho I have had to make calls for some support and calmed myself down in time and now levelling myself back out hoping my family can tell my ex that I know what I've done is wrong but need to keep her close, I would be doing it myself but as she has already said no and that she is changing her number etc I'm hoping that she will see sense aswell from my perspective.

We've all got to take each day as it comes though and one day hope that there is some kind of break through and so far if your ex is talking and making positive choices for himself then you know he is feeling comfortable today and can give you a conversation and show you he is stil the person you know, over time it does get easier, I promise

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[ProudWife99]

Phil - I hope things continue to move forward in a positive way for you! Please try to remember how important it is for you to focus on yourself and not simply trying to get your ex to be with you. There is no cure for PTSD, only coping skills and management and if she is making the decision that she cannot be that extra support system for you, then you need you respect that choice.

One thing I've learned is that those symptoms, those outbreaks, those moments of rage my husband sometimes thrusts on me...ARE a part of who is is. Often I see people say "I know this isn't him" Yes..it is. It is him now. He can work to cope with this new characteristic of himself, but it is an aspect of him. If you carry around this thought that all this work you put into will make you all better and tell her you'll never act that way again, you're only hurting you both. Building up false expectations can be worse than the breakdowns themselves.

Focus on you, do what is best to get yourself healthy, and respect that not everyone can go through the ups and downs that PTSD pushes on relationships. She may be doing what is best for her and in turn, what is best for you.

Stay strong!

 

[Phil1983]

Thank you proudWife.. Your comment makes so much sense to me and in the last hour I have had 1 bit of contact so I have just opened up completly to her to help her understand what was going on in my head.

I have learnt to deal with the original problems that caused my PTSD and I know my ex knew my triggers for that side and has always kept me away from them as much as possible, even down to reading a newspaper, she'd pick up on mood changes if i read something that would relate to my past and pull me back into a happy mood.

My problem is the new feelings of love and trust that I have wanted to take into the future with her, as this is the 1st time ever that I have had these thoughts it has confused me in a big way, mainly as to me I was hiding things from her as I wanted everything to be surprise but wanted to ask her families permission before the proposal and to my brain was telling me the love and trust are my danger areas. This all led to confusion and the outbreaks.

I have told her that this is the way I am, I know I can burst into arguement at any time over the slightest thing in the past and that is why she kept me away from the triggers we both knew. As this is a completly new part we were not prepared for it in the slightest so we couldn't see warning signs properly and if we did we were trying to work out where the known trigger was instead of the unknown. I have since tried my hardest to explain what was going on at the time and said I can not blame her for her decisions and my loss but have asked if she can consider atleast being there for me as a friend as she helped me through everything for the past 4 years the best way she can. I have rose above my earlier thoughts and now have a nice calm level again, I really hate myself being like this as it does get stressful when I can switch between things but the more people are replying and the more posts I am reading, I am starting to understand more about why I could be doing things and it starts clicking switches in me and giving me a clearer view of myself :)

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[GB1]

Hey Phil

Wonderful news! The gates of communication may have been closed temporarily but they were not locked!! I'm so happy you ended the day with a little more positivity.

The event that triggered your PTSD really sounds mucked up...I'm sure it is a question you have asked yourself a million times but how could they? That is something u can and will get past, slowly slowly catchy monkey.

Your last message indicates you have had some sort of breakthrough in terms of understanding yourself more on a deeper level, brilliant. Love is the most wonderful amazing thing but the obstacles that others and we can put in front of ourselves sometimes to stop ourselves are disorientating. In many ways, it is a way of self sabotaging do you think? Oh I'm not good enough, oh I don't deserve it, oh it won't last so I'll kick it first, oh I'm going to get hurt so heck defence is the best form of attack! Fight or flight too.....

How has she responded to you asking for her support, albeit as a friend right now? Don't be surprised if she wants or needs some time to think to herself to make sense of all that has been going on, the fact she is entering communication with you shows me she is slowly coming down from the emotional roller coaster that has been the last few days and starting to perhaps curiously consider the events that have happened. She still feels something for you otherwise lets be serious, if you dont care for something or someone, you don't make the effort do you?

PLease don't hate yourself either, that is not going to get you anywhere positive! Acceptance that this is you is a point you need to reach. Beating yourself up when u feel everyone else is isn't going to help you. Like so many people say here, this will never be something that just "goes away", it will always be with you. But you're starting on a journey to try to manage this for the rest of your life.

 

[SeekingSerenity]

Wow GB1,

I have been reading your posts with the advice and support for Phil, and it seems that you have already grasped the main concepts of PTSD already! I wish I could have done it that fast, it may have saved me so much heartache.

You are doing well, now just follow the advice you have been offering ;)

Jeez, I sound like my blooming shrink :eek:

 

[GB1]

Hey Seeking Serenity

Not so much a case of grasping the points quickly....but rather having had a lot of experience of it in my life, perhaps more so than others. Family member suffers from it so I had an understanding of it before I even met the ex. Tried to learn more about it with him when we were together too.

As for the advice I have been offering....I don't know hasn't that been for the person who has it? I'm still in some ways at a loss to my situation, just think to myself I could be with someone who doesn't have all of these problems. Harsh but true. I must still feel something for him if I continue to discuss it here and enter in communication with him....or maybe I just can't let go...

 

[SeekingSerenity]

I think you still love him....

I think you know that when he gets his PTSD sorted that he will make a wonderful partner for you...

Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic?

 

[GB1]

I really dont know seeking serenity.....he has a gambling problem which I do not like and he has started to address now after some suggestions from me. Is that the makings of a good boyfriend for me?

I'm a bit all over the place today, not very well. Going to try and have a lie down, chat later?